Yesterday I melted down hard.

I woke up very tired and barely able to walk as my second jog took much more out of me than the first. I ended up having to catch a cab into work, something that put a strain on my low finances. There wasn’t enough work to keep me busy enough so even though I had two strong black teas, I had to fight the urge to fall asleep most of the day.

Then my mind began to go south a bit.

I started thinking to myself as to what the point was in chasing after someone who didn’t actually seem to care about how I was doing or who I was.

I was wondering as to why she was happy to tell so many other people about what she felt was problematic about our relationship but not me, despite my telling her that I wanted honesty.

I’m aware of the hypocrisy of that though, as I myself did not communicate. Whilst I did talk about problems, I refused to talk about my insecurities as well as offer support, something that ended up manifesting really badly. I wondered why she didn’t give me the full reasons as to why she broke up with me when she knew how much I hated it when people did that.

That people had taken sides was really bothering me because I didn’t want anyone taking sides at all. I know that it is inevitable sometimes, but it really brought me down.

I had (and still have) a strong feeling that some friends of mine are working against me. Admittedly I haven’t been a great friend, but I don’t think I deserve to be written off before I’ve shown my worth.

The whole break up itself wasn’t making sense to me. It was incredibly sudden and came completely out of nowhere. Although, there is some slight relief in that other people were taken aback by it just as much as I was.

Obviously there were problems and there wasn’t a great deal of communication in the last few months, but even so, it felt more like it was a snap decision more than anything. That some members of my ex’s family wanted to make sure I was ok and still want to talk to me but my ex has cut off as many ties as possible with me was confusing me. I understand that it’s all still fairly fresh, but I don’t understand why you’d tell someone you want to be friends with them still and when they pull their head in and accept, completely cut them out. I’m glad that some of her family is still talking to me though. It means that they see something worth being around in me.

I managed to recover a bit when time for body conditioning drew closer, but yesterday was hard for emotions. Still sticking to my goals though.

Gotta get back up and keep walking.