Sat here for a number of hours. Maybe it has been years since I last stepped outside. I know that there is a crushing weight that was carried around on my back and due to my choice of sitting down some time long ago, I have had difficulty in getting up. Perhaps I need to rid myself of the rock that I am carrying, but instead of doing so I sit here in a space of my own creating, refusing to stand for standing would mean facing the overt symbolism of the rock and everything that it represents and that is something that I do not want to do.

Guilt, shame, regret… all things that I carry around and treat as a burden that I myself must carry. Of course, in this instance it is of my own doing that I carry these things around, and yet I must speak outwardly and blame all the others, for it is easier to cope with all that I have done and far easier to pretend that it is all okay.

So here I sit, in this room, in front of a keyboard with a rock of my own creation, pointing the finger at all the others and looking away form what I can easily rid myself of instead of facing it and letting go in order to get up, open the door and walk onward to something else away from my self and my being.

What would be out there, waiting for me? Would there be anything waiting out there at all? Would it matter?

These questions remain my further reasoning and justification for staying here, for it is easier to not step forward and not face the truths in which I chose to run from.

But is it really? It sure doesn’t always seem that way.

Sometimes I can see out a window and I can see a world different form the one that I have crafted. It seems to be a world that is less dim than in here. There are things that I do not agree with, but there is plenty out there that I sure would like to experience. Perhaps there will be a time in which I realise that facing that which I run from is not actually the hard part, but the actual making of the decision, much like cooking.

Some see cooking as a task they don’t want to face, but once they make the decision to get up and start doing things and get to it, they realise that a bit of time has passed and what they did wasn’t a long, hard and arduous task at all. In fact, it was much harder to sit there and not cook than it was to get up and cook.

However, I shall continue to point the finger and run, but for how much longer I cannot say. I will continue this, but just like sitting here with this large rock, staying here is becoming tiring.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 06:56:18

This was influenced by my sitting here for the past few hours doing very little, a growing desire to eat and the music in which I am currently listening to whilst I write. I think that the song is amazing but it has a pretty heavy theme.

Written at UNSW.