Where do I even begin with today? Or any of the past few days?

It has been a real heavy struggle and I’m trying to push through, and that’s probably the lightest I can put anything. I want to write but I don’t want to write and I’m in a state of driving whilst off the ground. Spinning wheels and all that.

You hope that something comes forward and nothing does and it becomes this weird eternal dance of going nowhere and being pressed on from all sides and being told to keep going whilst not being able to go anywhere or do anything in terms of advancing yourself. Don’t get me wrong; sometimes going nowhere is fine but it’s frustrating when you’re not going anywhere not by choice and you’re having people who give shallow gestures of encouragement, then fuck off when the going gets tough.

Such is life.

I’m sitting here and I feel alright at the moment. I don’t feel as fried as I did yesterday. I’m together and I’m still going but there is so much that I’m missing out on. I won’t be missing out on doing some photography tonight. That will be good. It will be some sort of relief, but I’m trying to not give up on that. I want to keep on going and keep on taking photos and all that, but at the same time I’m at a point where the desire to sell my gear and stop is really strong. But I have to keep going on because I shouldn’t give up, apparently.

Anyway, I don’t know what else there is to say at this point. I’m going to throw some more crap up soon and then get to processing photos before I head out. I need to take care of things and all that stuff but it’s a long day ahead and I’m just one person and I need to rest and I need to have work come my way.

I need a lot of things, but I really need work coming my way. It would help a lot, but at least I’ll be outside this evening and at least I’ll be doing something I still want to do, in a sense, but it’s tough. It’s tough and it’s getting tougher and I need someone to not tell me something along the lines of “tough luck”, which thankfully no one has, but it really is easy for someone to say that when they’re not poor, I’ve noticed.

But beyond all that I’m meant to talk about happy and nonsensical things because that’s what people want. They don’t want to read that someone is having a shit time, I’ve noticed, but that’s life. Who am I to say what people should and should not want to read? Who am I to proclaim my words are more important than anyone else who is out there? I’m just one person with a space to throw crap into The Internet Abyss. So what?

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 07:25:82

Some of my angriest writing in a while.
Could be better as it isn’t as focused as it should be, but it gets something across.

Written at home.