I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about things over the past few months.
I’ve thought about where I am in life and how I can get a better job and all that fun stuff.
Also thinking of selling the camera.

Right now I’m thinking it just might be time to bow out of photography. I’ve spent a good deal of time doing it and I know I can learn more, but I’m also burned out with it and at a point where the need for money is greater than the desire to keep taking photos, and I’m feeling pretty fine with walking away from it and not returning.

I’d be fine with no longer dealing with a series of broken promises, and I’d also be fine with no longer being in a position where certain successful photographers are complaining about other photographers undercharging for their skills whilst at the same time monopolising the work rather than sharing more of it around.

I’d be fine with not dealing with all the bullshit, essentially. I’m not too old to no longer have the patience to deal with it, but I am too tired.

I’m also tired of having people to keep telling me to work hard and keep going when I tell them why I’m done. It’s not helpful and using an example of your success in an industry that has high demand and money attached to that demand tells me how much you don’t want to understand, and quite possibly don’t actually give a shit.

Of course it’s like that people do care when they say that stuff, but often it feels more like they just don’t want to engage and don’t want to try and understand that, maybe, it’s okay to stop doing something if someone no longer wants to do it.

So maybe I’ll soon sell my camera gear. I love photography but I’m at a point where I’m fine to stop. I’m at a point where selling my gear is likely to be better for me in the long run. I need to survive and I need to get on with my life, but I’ll see. Maybe I’ll keep going and things will level out, but I just don’t know if I have the enthusiasm to keep on struggling because, let me tell you, I am sick of struggling.

I’m sick of trying to fight and hustle and I’m sick of trying to keep trying, but I say that and I continue on and I grow more tired whilst continually dragging myself forward, and I wonder how much is enough.

I wonder as to what point I’ll be able to rest, and I hope it won’t be rest because I have no choice but to, and I wonder how long until I reach that point as that’s likely to happen sooner than my resting due to having the choice to do so, because I haven’t felt as though I can rest in far too long a time.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 09:33:09

I have a feeling this likely reads better than I feel it does. I felt like I had to stretch things out a bit more than I usually do in some parts and so the writing comes off as clunky to me.

Written at home.