So the other night I photographed a gig and I did my best, or at least I did the best I could, and I felt nothing from it.

I did everything I try to do when I photograph a gig and the processing… process… was fine, but nothing. No awesome time feeling, no feeling of doing something I like doing. Just routine and business.

I have to wonder if I’m that done with photography. Maybe my deciding to sell was produced from losing a desire to photograph. I don’t know, but I know what I didn’t feel a few nights ago, and maybe, even if I changed my mind, it’s time to change my mind again and sell the camera.

I love photography, or at least I love aspects of photography, but I’m burnt out on empty words and, even though I keep getting ideas, I don’t know if I want to try and act on them anymore. I think I’d rather let them drift away and fade into nothingness at this point.

Being behind the camera is great. Even having to be on my feet for ten hours is fine behind the camera. I enjoy the process and I enjoy challenging myself to improve and do better with each photo. I like working at it, and I like processing photos too, even when it’s not enjoyable.

I like working in photography.

I don’t like the emptiness of words, and the networking clout, and I don’t like the praise followed by avoiding discussion of further work. I don’t like being strung along only to see work go elsewhere, and I don’t like being in a position where I’m financially unstable and moving toward being unable to pay rent because of being told things that will happen don’t happen.

Sure, I shouldn’t let that get in the way of enjoying photography, but it just burns me out and, even though I willingly chose this photo job and knew it wasn’t paid (a lot of gig stuff isn’t paid and that’s fine. Money would be nice but it’s not why I do it), and I went there and did it and I went through the motions and left and I may as well have not been there.

I mean, in a sense I was glad to have done it, but it’s just flatness.

I’ve another gig lined up and I’ll have to see how it goes, but I don’t know. I don’t know at this point. Unless it changes and I feel more present and in the moment, and not like I’m going through the motions, I think it’ll be time to call it a day, and that’s fine, because I’ve had a good run.

I’ve taken a lot of crap photos and some alright ones, and a small amount of great ones, and I’ve a lot of memories and fun times with it. If this is where photography ends for me, I don’t mind. It’ll be the right time to stop.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 08:56:64

Bit slow and maybe that’s okay here.
I feel I struggled more at the start than at the end. All the thoughts were there, but I was having difficulty articulating at first.

Written at home.