So right now I could spend some time working on a review I should’ve had done a good few months ago at the absolute latest. I could work on that, but I’m not going to because I don’t feel like it, and no one can tell me otherwise.

Actually I do feel like it but if I start getting stuck into it right now, I won’t get enough done and breaking the flow to work on other things isn’t the best thing that I can currently do, so instead I’m doing some word churning.

Word churning; that thing that people love that I do, where I churn out a bunch of words in a particular order in order to get an order of ordering across. That kind of thing, you know?

But I sit here and it’s loud and quiet, and the weather is not nice but I don’t mind, I’m inside. I have things to do. I get to pretend that right now, I am important. Won’t be for much longer, but am right now, in my own little world, flitting about and looking at the things and wondering why I put a calendar up at an angle. Need to try to not notice that. It’ll distract me from this most unimportant mission of which I am going through at the moment.

Yes, I need sleep. I need sleep desperately. I am running on a low amount, but I can still get through the day. I can still achieve something out of all of this. At least, I think I can. Maybe I cannot. Don’t know yet. Won’t know until later, when the day actually starts. For now I can pretend, however, and pretending is what I will do.

I will pretend that I am not going to get dangerously close to falling asleep today. I am going to pretend that all is fine and fineness is all there is, and I will get to where I need to get, and I will get there with some sort of non-reckless abandon. Nothing will fall and all will be fine, and that’s a good thing as it means I don’t have as much to worry about… or that is what I’ll tell myself, at least.

Maybe won’t tell myself that. Maybe instead I’ll just pretend that it’s all chaos and in all the chaos I can get to the truth behind it all, and the matter of the subject will reveal itself, but there will be so much chaos and intensity that I lose it the moment I get the tiniest glimpse, and then I’ll spend the rest of my life chasing something that was never there in the first place, for it was always out of reach and it could only have been there if I had been more ready, or reactive. But then that might break the nature of things and so it’s better off this way.

I think I might need to go to bed early tonight.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 05:25:43

I feel I should read over this, but I won’t. Already know it’s a mess. Happy to forget about it.

Written at work.