I got here early today, and right now I am wondering as to what the fuck I am doing with my life. Moods turn fast and attitudes pervade, and the atmosphere of an environment can shift far more easily than people reailise, though sometimes it is subtle and you don’t realise until it is far too late. That is a pretty dramatic thing to say, and perhaps I am being far too dramatic. However, I certainly am wondering what I’m doing giving so much of my time to a place where I’m not getting it back.

But, you know, I also get to sit here and read before I start working, and I get to sit here and be around good colleagues and be part of a good institute; one that I firmly believe in, despite there being spaces where improvement is necessary. But it’s a good time and I’m doing good, overall. Should probably lay off the coffee a bit though that’s probably not helping me feel good about much of anything.

But I’m here really early and I don’t need to be, so what am I doing? Why am I doing this to myself? I want sleep and I want rest, and I need a good few months, or possibly a year off. I need time to rest and recalibrate, because I’ve been operating on empty for far too long. Soon that will happen, I hope, but I don’t know if it actually will. I don’t know when I’ll actually have rest because I cannot afford to rest.

Recreation is a form of rest, but it isn’t rest, so to speak. It’s not what I need. I need time to be doing as little as possible without having to worry about paying rent. I need time to just stop, but I don’t have the money, and I’m earning far more money right now than I ever have. But I still can’t afford to take a break, and one day it might come to me when I need it to not, and that’ll be that.

Maybe I just need a change of scenery and a bit more rest, for I slept last night and it seemed like it was heavy, but I am also really tired right now, and struggling to write even this. Of course I’ll be doing more writing throughout the day, in part to see what comes forward and in part due to having to edit stuff, but that stuff is stuff I can do when I’m tired. It’s stuff I can do when I’m not functioning on full… some of the time. I know I can do it today, at least.

Perhaps it is my love of writing and the form of word that allows me to continue writing as much as I do. I don’t know, but I wonder. I wonder and I think, and it’d be great to earn something from my writing for a change. But I keep writing, regardless of fatigue.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 07:56:51

A bit slower than I’d hoped, but still a good speed.
Not entirely sure what I was trying to get across with this, however. I know I’m expressing a need for rest and perhaps a need for a change of scenery, but I don’t think that’s quite what I’m writing about, if that makes sense.

Written at work.