So I’m sitting in a cafe not far from work. About two minutes of walking, actually. Not far at all. I’m sitting here, I’m tired. I’m worn out. Not enough sleep. It was worth it, or rather this lack of sleep is worth it, today. I’ll probably hit the wall sometime in the afternoon, but for now I’m chugging along. I’m firing on some cylinders.

Last night went well enough, I think, but I don’t know if my heart was in it or not. I took the photos as though by a natural, reflexive and instinctual process. Didn’t feel much of anything, but I didn’t come out of it feeling less about it, and maybe that’s a good thing. Probably a neutral thing. Possibly a thing thing.

I’m sitting here and I’m thinking of the process of life, and if I’m allowing myself enough time to process photos. I’ve given a timeline for when they should be expected and I know I can do it, but I’m wondering if I actually can. Probably. Will be making small adjustments, big adjustments, and nothing I’m unfamiliar with, but I’m good at missing the goals I set and put forward, so all of this remains to be seen. For now.

When I think about going to another gig, I’m a little stressed. I’m a little worried. At the current moment there’s something in me saying I should do this again. Should I do this again? Should I keep going? I still carry a lot of that self-doubt, because of course one night isn’t going to miraculously change everything. I want to and I don’t want to try again. It’s a constant mixed bag of things and I’m constantly fighting myself on this. It’s not a good way to be. At the same time, in writing this I’m realising I’m just dealing with forms of indecision, so that’s a thing.

I’m sitting here, it’s miserable outside but that’s okay. There are worse places to be, worse things to experience. I’m okay. I’m fortunate, and I should try and do more where I can, but I also should stop trying to force myself through everything. But I know that if I rest, that’s it. I won’t do anything. I know that I won’t process these photos and I know I won’t do any work today. I won’t go to yoga and I won’t live my life, so I do have to keep going. I don’t have to know that I want to keep doing photography now, but I should do what I can where I can (so long as I have the energy) to work out what I want to do with it at this point. If that desire still exists within me.

There are so many things to work out and I’m sure I will get there. I’m sure that things will come and reveal themselves over time, and I’ll see where it all leads and so on and so forth, and that’s that.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 08:49:48

Not great. It’s what came forward and it’s what is, but not great.

Written at Double Barrel Coffee + Food House.