Five-Hundred Word Challenge 1488: Tired of my constant outpouring

So I was writing this thing about something. I don’t know what it was about, but I decided to scrap it, because I knew where it was going and I don’t want to keep putting stress out there. My life has been consumed for the time being, but I want to try and write something that isn’t about how potentially fucked I am. I’d rather write something that puts a smile on someone’s face than I would about my situation, because I’m tired of writing about my situation. I’m tired of doing this constant outpouring of pain and pressure. I know it’s what is dictating my life at the moment but I really don’t want to keep churning that stuff out.

Of course I’ll probably churn some more of it out soon enough, but right now I want to try and think of some beauty in the world. I want to think of something good. I want to look beyond the miserable weather outside, and I want to hear birdsong again. I hear it at my place, sure, but right now I want to hear it. I want to embrace the pleasantness of it.

I also want to be held, but you know.

But today is a good day because it’s a day in which I can do something and keep going, and if I can keep going I can keep applying for jobs, and if I can keep applying for jobs I can keep looking for some form of success. I can get to the top of the mountain because I have the ability to do so, and perhaps also the desire.

I want to be around people I want to be around, and I want to go back to having fun and enjoying life, or rather, trying to get back to a place where I was trying to enjoy life. I want to express the wonder of what isn’t urbanised, and I want to sit back and relax and not feel like I’m wasting time. Just want to keep on going.

I want to do these things. I want to talk about the sound of voice and the sound of water, and its motion and how it seems limitless, and I want to talk about how it’s good to be bad at things sometimes. I want to, and I want to express some positivity, but right now I can’t, because I have less than two weeks before I’m homeless.

The job hunt has been tough and it continues to be tough. I have to keep on trying and applying. I have to keep on chipping away, and keep on pushing, but nothing’s happening. Still, so long as I continue, something should happen eventually, but who knows when eventually will be.

I don’t want to be putting out this stressed writing, but it dominates, and I can’t force myself to write in a way that my situation won’t allow. But I do want to be putting out more positivity.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 06:47:34

Decent speed. Ended up wandering right into what I didn’t want to, and that’s the way it do go be do sometimes.

Written at work.

 

Posted in Life | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Go Ichinose: Route 119

One listen.

There probably was a better way to write about this one, but… I don’t know. I’m feeling a lack of sleep creep up upon me today, and it’s starting to hit hard. I think I did alright. I think it would’ve been better had I tried to talk about the scenery for where this song is predominantly used.

Go Ichinose’s (一之瀬剛) “Route 119” (“119番道路”) is from GBA Pokémon Ruby & Sapphire Music Super Complete and Nintendo 3DS Pokémon Omega Ruby & Alpha Sapphire Super Music Complete. These soundtracks cover RubySapphire and Emerald, and Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire. The version I wrote about is the one used for ORAS, and was arranged by Minako Adachi (足立美奈子) and Hideaki Kuroda (黒田英明).

I hope you enjoy.

Strings stir percussion and horns into action and with the excitement of what lies ahead, they walk forward tall and with anticipation. The sounds lower into something a little gentle, though no less excited, and some come back up once more. It’s moving in phases.

There’s a shift in key of sorts that seems to precipitate a rising back to the original start, and all the adventure continues on. It continues through hills and valleys, and fields and across the ocean, underneath an open sky.

It’s all fun and excitement, and danger, and the sounds bask in the joy and wonder of what they present. They are excited and energetic, and they continue their journey as they fade and the song ends.

Posted in Music | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Five-Hundred Word Challenge 1487: A Monday Despair Venting

Easy music laps at my soul and upon the divine I stand, shaking my fist whilst looking at the precipice of failure, and shouting “I will NOT. be comforted by you!”

It’s an easy life, sometimes.

But as I spin these words into thoughts and feelings, I feel a great shift from what was leading into what is, and I’m scared and tired, and tired of being scared, and I’m just very over everything. I’m tired. I’m really tired and I need a break from it all, but that break isn’t coming for a long time. So it goes and such is the way of this life we refer to as “life”.

What can I do about this? Other than keep trying, of course. Why, I have to keep trying! and I have to do it of coursily, and verily so. But I just need a rest. I need a break from everything, and I need time to unwind and decompress. I need time to take it easy and think about how I’m going to navigate things.

When I started this job, everything was great. It was early and full of potential, but the twelve months were tough and I didn’t get much of a reprieve, and now I’m left dealing with the fallout of everything once more. I don’t want this; I want a break. I want someone else to step in for a change.

Too often it is that people are willing to leave a mess and walk away. I don’t want to have to be the one who always has to confront issues. I don’t want to always have to be the one to pick up the pieces. I especially don’t want to be doing this so close to everything going awry. But it’s what it’s, and it’s up to me to sort everything out again.

People will talk about how tough I am and how resilient I am, but I don’t want to be. I just want to collapse right now. I want to collapse in someone else’s arms and be told that it’s going to be all okay, but I keep going because, well, what choice do I have? But then I have to ask, at what point do I get my break? At what point do I get to be away from everything?

Look, at the end of it all, I’d rather have the strength to endure and persevere than not, but it’s all tiring and tough, and support is there, but from some it’s distant when it needs to not be, and I’m just over it all. But I have to keep going, because if I don’t, then the chance of success drops and I’d rather keep working toward getting stability back, even if I am barely coping.

So I won’t allow myself to be charmed by failure, because I don’t have the ability to allow it. Or rather I do, but I won’t. No safety net, but I can get through this.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 07:40:96

I know that “coursily” is not a word, but it counts here.

Bit slower than I’d hoped, but I think it turned out okay. Much heavier than I hoped also, however.

Written at work.

Posted in Life | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Go Ichinose: Littleroot Town

One listen.

So Pokémon’s Hoenn region is my favourite region by far. Part of that has to do with all the water, which, having studied marine science, I guess makes sense. As such, the games centred around that region are the ones I’ve probably played the most, even though the games frustrate me quite a lot.

I’m highly familiar with the music for RubySapphire and Emerald and also Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire, but like other music used in the games, it’s not something I’ve wanted to write about until very recently. Decided to do this one now mostly to see if I could.

I feel that what I wrote is a bit timid. I probably could’ve said more and really painted an image of where the song is used, but that would also take a good few repeats and I didn’t want to sit here for ages trying to tease it all out. Still, I think there’s something here that I did capture well enough.

Go Ichinose’s (一之瀬剛) “Littleroot Town” (“ミシロタウン”) is from GBA Pokémon Ruby & Sapphire Music Super Complete and Nintendo 3DS Pokémon Omega Ruby & Alpha Sapphire Super Music Complete. These soundtracks cover RubySapphire and Emerald, and Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire. The version I wrote about is from the latter two, and was arranged by Shota Kageyama (景山将太).

I hope you enjoy.

Woodwind, keys and bass stir gently, forming new beginnings. The light percussion plays out quietly, and woodwind and strings pick up a bit more. Things are rising, but this is home and this is where the smallness of life lies, but it’s also where the start of something grand is.

The sounds reflect this and carry the beauty and wonder of it, and they roll relaxed through this space. They play easy and keep it calm, even when they rise and fill out. There’s always time for something big, but there’s always time to return home, even as everything fades out and the song ends.

Posted in Music | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Pedestrian Sign, Night

Not a great photo by any means, but I like it. It’s not quite minimal, but it feels minimal. Also just very matter-of-fact.

I hope you enjoy.

Posted in Photography | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Five-Hundred Word Challenge 1486: Reflecting on Yesterday

So yesterday I did the thing I set out to do. Almost made it to ten, which was the original idea, but I got to nine, thought about doing this after, but then decided rest was more important. I’m not sure how I feel about the whole thing, or rather, I’m not sure of my certainty of it, if that makes sense, but I certainly don’t regret the effort I put in. I don’t regret the writing I did, and I don’t regret what I posted, or published, or whatever we’re referring to it as these days.

The stuff was more spaced out than I had initially hoped, and maybe that’s why I was able to succeed. However, in doing so, I spent a lot of time not doing other things, and it’s reinforced something that I’ll touch on in a few days. It’s possible I succeeded due to having energy to do so. That’s definitely a consideration I need to keep in mind.

I think the biggest issue I had is that I am still very drained in terms of creativity. I’m still struggling with trying to get a job and trying to survive and not be homeless, and that is taking up far more time than I would like. It’s creating conflict in a space where I need more harmony, but I’m still going and if I am still going, then I can still write and do all that I need to do. But soon there will be a break of sorts, and a shifting in priorities.

As I’m writing this now, I realise that I have a lot of ideas that I want to put forward, but they seem to go out the window when I try and then it’s more struggling. It’s more writing about nothing, and I still churn that out, and I have to wonder as to why I keep doing that. It can’t just be because I feel compelled to write. It can’t just be that. Maybe it’s habit. Habit can be good and habit can be bad, and in a way this is bad. I cover a number of different things here too; it’s not like I’m starved for variability, so I can always pivot if necessary, but I don’t do that often enough, I think.

There’s a lot of stuff to think about, and having done what I did yesterday; having put out nine things, I’m left thinking about the result and trying to confirm what I learned. It probably wasn’t worth it, but I can get behind it and that’s the main thing, really. On a personal level it was definitely worth it as I was able to clear some things, and that leaves me with some small comfort and happiness. But for now, I’m going to try and push out a bit more again. Try and keep going and see if I can keep up some momentum.

At least, for today, that is. Tomorrow I’ll go back to laziness.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 06:48:65

Some stretching and reaching here, but I think this bit works, or rather, it shows potential.

Written at work.

Posted in Life | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Gigantium – Draft

Another rough draft, but this one is for the next thing that I’ll publish on From Somewhere out the Back. After getting dumped, the piece on “Neal and Jack and Me” seemed to gain a new context by shaping the two pieces that’ll come after it, with the below being one and another, also on a song, following soon after. Writing has been a struggle, and most of the time spent on this draft was getting to a point where I could put words down.

There’s potential in the below, and it’s time to start editing to help bring that forward.

I hope you enjoy.

“Gigantium” is a big song. Perhaps… gigantic, even. It’s got big riffs, big drums, big vocals, but more importantly, big emotions. Stuff in there about regret, loss, grief, pain… all the fun things. The song travels slowly, letting its sound sink in, and it is, in a way, very singular, and that’s probably the point.

“Gigantium starts with a drum roll and then moves into its slow, driving motion. It’s already expansive, seemingly constantly growing from a singular moment into an overwhelming wideness. Vocals call out, seemingly strained, seemingly full and strong. Words about wanting to escape from Brann Dailor, which leads to Troy Sanders responding in the chorus in a much calmer voice, almost concerned and worried, and trying to comfort and support. Providing warning.

In that section the song seems to slow a little, take some breathing space. After the first repeat and expanding upon, a solo that seems almost broken, almost like an alarm comes forward, and the vamp continues on.

“Gigantium” is standard Mastodon fare, but it’s also very much not. It’s heavy, overwhelming, intense, but it’s incredibly gentle, and it remains as such after the second main drum roll which leads to the second half of the song, or rather, the second part.

Here melody increases by a significant amount. It moves more toward comfort, perhaps, and Brann keeps singing. “My love, so strong”, and it just hurts. It hurts so much and so bad, and I want to cry when I hear it, because this is a release and acknowledgement. This feels much like an uplifting moment, and it’s all sorts of beautiful.

The second solo comes in and, at first it feels a bit random. It starts slow and then moves into a little bit of shredding, but in reflection it’s really fitting. Everything stays driving, simple, letting the emotions come forward and that solo just builds on and expands, and it all keeps going. When the solo ends, the strings that had joined earlier become apparent. They draw out the last of the mood as they shrink away, and it’s such a moment. The whole song is, really. It has heaviness; it has emotional weight, but it sounds like the band choosing to keep living and to keep on striving to support each other and the people they care about.

Recently I was dumped. Eight years, and I won’t go into it too much. There are problems on both sides, and I think they can be resolved. She doesn’t. It didn’t come at a good time. Never does, really. My job contract is coming to an end and I don’t have much longer to get another one. If I don’t have money coming in soon, I don’t have a place to live. It’s a tough time.

When I first heard “Gigantium” a few weeks ago, I switched it off after hearing a brief snippet. I felt a strong “This isn’t my thing” thing. Something got me to go back to it, listened. Thought it was okay. Listened again. Soon it was on repeat quite a bit. It touched something inside. There was something about it that was getting close to that long stare, where you feel gobsmacked, overwhelmed and you ache, but there’s something positive about it too. There’s something beautiful and comforting, in accepting the pain.

After getting dumped I figured it’d be the song. You know, the one that hits so hard when you’re going through shit. To me it seemed like the timing was apt. Spun it. Felt nothing. It’s just another song.

Now admittedly the why of what Mastodon explore on that song is different to the why of how I’m feeling at the moment, and maybe that’s the reason, but I know I should be feeling something from this song and I’m not. It’s not there. I still think highly of it, but I’m not getting anything from it, and I know I should. I could go back to “Finding You”, which was the song during my last getting dumped eleven years ago, but that doesn’t seem like a good idea.

I did try it though. Didn’t feel anything.

I’m not numb. I’m feeling all the hurt and grief. But I’m feeling nothing at the same time. Maybe it’s Lianne La Havas’ cover of “Weird Fishes”, which I’d argue is better than the original, as much as that might be cause for disagreement. I was sitting in Ewe’s bar room and played it for him, and that made me feel something, but that’s not “Gigantium”.

What I know about “Gigantium” is that I’m going to keep trying to see where it takes me, because even if I’m not feeling anything from it, there’s still something about it that draws me in, and maybe I don’t have to be getting something from it right now. Maybe that can happen later, if it does at all.

But it’s still a song that appeals to me, and even though it’s not about what I’m going through, it’s still nice to know it’s there. And, perhaps I know why.

The thing about “Gigantium” is it does feel quite sad, but by golly it feels uplifting too. It’s one of those big moments that pulls at the heart, and it feels celebratory of friendship. Of bonds, and maybe it is, and that’s why it’s so appealing.

In this whole upending of my life, and dealing with being dumped whilst looking for another job before my current contract runs out, lest I now end up homeless, I’ve had so much support from my friends, and I’m so lucky to have them in my life. Some of us have gone through periods of silence, and we’ve made up. We recognise the issues between us and we keep going. I’ve gotten lucky to have these people who have stuck by me. These people have had my back for a long time, and helped me through some tough stuff, and I’ve been able to keep on going when I’ve needed them.

So I’m not getting the feeling from “Gigantium” that I thought it would give me, and it makes me feel a little sad in other ways. But I hear it, and I think of my friends, and knowing that they’ve got my back makes me feel like it’s all going to be okay, or at least helps me keep going right now.

Posted in Music | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Pelican’s Pelican

I don’t do this stuff often enough.

Anyway, recently the band Pelican shared a drawing of a pelican. I have a list of things I want to do in MS Paint, but something about that drawing made me want to do it, and so I did.

I tried to leave this a bit more loose. Did some cleaning, but I wanted to have an image that felt a bit more rough than what I’d usually allow myself to get away with.

This was started and finished today.

I hope you enjoy.

Posted in Art | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Mega Man Battle Network – Draft

Here’s a rough draft of what will eventually be an essay/review on From Somewhere out the Back. I figured it’d be good to share the work now and then have the final version on the new writing space, because that’s where I’m wanting to put all my essay-type stuff.

The final version of this might end up being pretty different. This was written over the last forty minutes and I want to expand the focus on the fascination with The Internet, and how that ties into the game. I also want to flesh out some other things, so we’ll see what happens.

I hope you enjoy.

Way back when, if you were a kid or teenager when the Gameboy Advance came out, There was a good chance you at least heard of Mega Man Battle Network. For a number of people who played any, or enough of the Mega Man games in the nineties, this was more Mega Man but it was different. It was new, and more modern and sleek, and as futuristic as the early aughts themselves. Or at least, that’s how they felt.

A couple of years ago the two volumes of Mega Man Battle Network Legacy Collection were released. As the name suggests, they are two volumes of the mainline Battle Network games, collecting all six across… two volumes. Anyway, for a lot of people this was a moment to tap into nostalgia. It was a moment to go back and reminisce about things. I played the first three games as a kid, but I don’t have nostalgia for them. Occasionally I’d remember them and I’d think about playing them again, but mostly I was fine to let them be in the past.

Well, I ended up buying both volumes of the collection because I don’t know why. I had a vague memory of enjoying the first three and I guess at one particular moment I wanted to play them enough to buy them. They were probably also on special at the time.

I started with Mega Man Battle Network, as in the first of the series, and that’s the one I want to talk about in this space.

So Mega Man Battle Network (henceforth MMBN) came out on the Gameboy Advance. It was an RPG, and sort of a mix between action and strategy when it came to some of its RPG elements. It also contained elements of what is now referred to as deck-building elements, though it may have been referred to as having those in particular back then. I don’t know. What I do know, however, is it was a game that could only work because of when it came out.

One day Lan Hikari wakes up, running late for school, or soon to be late for school. Woken up by MegaMan.EXE, his Net Navigator (NetNavi for short) as always, Lan gets ready and rushes out to wherever the plot leads him.

Early on the game reveals the WWW, or World Three, a shadowy criminal organisation. I think they’re established before you take control, and I’m not too sure how to feel about it. MMBN does not feel like a finished game and announcing the main antagonistic force so early seems like a poor move. At the same time, it’s nice that it happens, because you’re not spending time guessing and then getting a potentially hackneyed development later on. WWW are the driving force of the game and its their machinations that you deal with throughout.

It probably helps that MMBN is not a subtle game. It doesn’t do much to try and make you guess about what is going on. There are builds, but there are few (if any) surprises. In a sense, the way the plot unfolds feels like a series of self-contained episodes in a cartoon, which is in part helped by the vibrant, kind of charming and catoony visuals, ripe for expressiveness yet unable to capitalise on them, and how they’re used to depict the world the game takes place in. It’s also helped by the music, which, whilst quite limited, still is highly expressive in terms of capturing mood, action, and the wonder of the new.

I’ll touch on that in a moment, but before I do I also wanted to mention that the plot goes by really fast, and feels like it drags in places at times too. The world of MMBN is fascinated with The Internet and what it offers, and the way that you interact with it is by connecting to ports to access it. This also is how you access dungeons. You control Lan in the world; you control MegaMan.EXE in dungeons and on The Internet. Because of how the plot plays out, and the limited design of a few areas, this can lead to numerous interrupts and a feeling of things dragging due to the repeated use of things. It’s…. fine, but it’s also not pleasant to deal with at the best of times.

As a side note, there are a lot of exclamation marks throughout the game. This is one excited game, to say the least.

MMBN‘s combat is interesting. It’s somewhere between action and strategy. Combat takes place on a three by six square grid, and usually you and the enemies have half each. You can move freely around the area you control, which can be increased and decreased depending on certain chips. Chips are where the deck-building comes into play, and help you deal with enemies. Various forms of damage dealing, area control and strategy come into play with them, though you can still attack enemies easily enough with your buster, though it will take longer than strategising. Every exty seconds you can open your folder and you’re given a random selection of chips (which will include ones you didn’t use last time you opened your folder). You go from there.

This is a really basic explanation, but it should get the idea across. You need to think about positioning, action, how attacks move, area control… there’s a number of things you need to think about. It’s complex stuff, but it’s easy to get into and understand how the stuff works. At the same time, what the game presents here feels much like a foundation to tweak and build upon, and subsequent games certainly did. Whilst there’s stuff going on, at the same time there’s not much, and battling can get tedious. Not helped is the inability to avoid battles entirely. You can escape from them from what I remember, so long as you make use of certain chips in your deck, but that’s not too helpful if the right chip doesn’t come up when you want it.

It compounds with the issues of how the game progresses, and whilst MMBN is actually brief, it feels like a slog. That also affects the depiction of The Internet, which is arguable needlessly complex in appearance, and also a slog to get through, but it’s part of why I like the game, as an idea.

When MMBN came out, The Internet was gaining large-scale traction. It wasn’t fast or “large”. A lot of us were there, in part due to places like GameFAQS and games like Diablo II. The traction provided by World of Warcraft and the promised convenience of smart phones was yet to happen. The Internet was a place that had some severe issues (though it still does), but it was new and amazing. It was this wonderful thing and it was full of potential and possibility. It was wide open, and that meant not understanding things and certainly wandering into the wrong space at times, followed by quickly getting out. It hadn’t narrowed in the way The Internet seems to have over time.

MMBN is fascinated with The Internet. There’s a good chance that the game revolving around it had to do with trying to maximise sales, but the team at Capcom that worked on this game believed in its potential, and they explored it. Whilst the depiction is needlessly complex in appearance and quite linear in execution, there’s a clear desire to make the most of it and explore it, even if the result, gameplay-wise, shows a lot of potential but doesn’t quite pay off. It doesn’t quite depict The Internet well, but the game certainly captures the experience, and how it felt to be using it in 2001. The future was in our hands, and we were experiencing it in the present time, and now we got to play a game that engaged with what proved to be more than a passing fad.

Sure, how it’s depicted here is limited in scope, and there are reasons for that. Capcom would go on to get a bit more fanciful (and fancifully bland) with how it depicted The Internet in the series, but here it’s at it’s most pure, potential-ready, and despite it not being as good as it could be, there’s something really earnest and genuine about it that I really respect. It’s not something that can easily be repeated. If somehow done with the same wonder today as it was then, MMBN would feel more like a throwback, or intentionally nostalgic game. Even if given all the improvements needed, it wouldn’t stand up as much as it does because it came out at just the right time for all the enthusiasm it has to shine.

Mega Man Battle Network is a flawed game in some glaring ways, but it gets a number of things right. Despite the drag and the sheer lack of polish, it’s highly charming. Characterisation is fairly simple, but it works because it’s over fast. The music is basic, but still carries complexity and fits use-wise incredibly well, especially for The Internet theme, which has that sort of futuristic, early aughts feel that seems organically digital. The other themes carry a good deal of emotional sway in them, though some do get grating. It’s a pretty game to look at, and it controls well too.

The game is simple, but it has big ideas. Flawed, but charming. Rough, but full of potential for something better, just like its fascination with The Internet.

 

Posted in Reviews | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Go Ichinose: Route 216 (Day)

One listen.

I wasn’t going to do any more music today, but I heard this song for the first time in a while and it sort of swept me up. I did struggle a bit, however, and I’m not sure I did well in conveying the song and what it conveys.

Go Ichinose’s (一之瀬剛) “Route 216 (Day)” (“216ばんどうろ(昼)”) is from Nintendo DS Pokémon Diamond & Pearl Super Music Collection, the soundtrack for Pokémon Diamond, Pearl and most of Platinum.

I hope you enjoy.

Bass pulses as keys twinkle around on a clear day. They twinkle and shimmer, and soon another sound drifts through. It drifts almost without a care. Percussion picks up and the sounds go into full swing. The bass keeps pulsing but everything here is lively. It’s lively, joyous, celebratory.

Some pull back, giving a bit of space and there’s still that relaxation. It’s all nice and easy, and there’s some pep in the step, but it’s all energised and taking it easy.

Soon the sounds pick up a little more and start going down a slope, almost, and keep looking at the fun and wonder of what’s around them. They then go over what they were looking at before, through the prettiness and ease, and they find it all fascinating, almost.

Adventure continues on through the layering of everything, and that pep remains as the sounds fade out and the song ends.

Posted in Music | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment