Odd couple of days, it has been. Actually, it hasn’t, but some interesting moments.
Two days ago I had to walk over to another building on campus, just to make a delivery. I was feeling absolutely wretched. Just rough as everything. Was not pleasant. I’ve got the beard of sorrow going, and I can feel the sadness in my face.
I was walking along and it was a sunny day, and I was waiting for my lenses to transition because I didn’t want anyone to see my sadness, and it was taking too long. Just not great stuff. “Hurry up and change”, I thought to myself. Saw my reflection in a window. They had. They had changed. Could still see my sadness. In a way it was humorous though.
Yesterday, the confirmation of some things started coming in, and I begun to feel a little better about life. Only a little bit though. Can’t allow myself too much happiness. Wasn’t quite that way in the morning.
I woke up, got ready, threw on some clothes. There’s a shirt I have that I love and it’s made of good material. A few weeks ago I unfortunately got a really large food stain on it. Cleaned it up, threw the shirt in the wash. You know, usual stuff. Well unfortunately it still has this lengthy strip on it from where the food stained it, and I didn’t realise until it was too late. So I was at work with this shirt and its large stain, and my hair was dirty on account of really heavy sweating in my sleep, and I had this beard of sorrow and I just look trashy. There’s some skin peeling on my nose from a scab… just generally looking unpleasant.
Anyway, I I got through the day, and as I was leaving at the end of it I saw someone in the lobby. Decide to find out what they needed help with, so I asked. Got down the details, told them I’d take care of it on Monday. Was pretty loose and casual about it too because at that point I didn’t give a shit anymore.
Saw they had a band shirt of a band I knew, complimented them on the shirt. We started talking about stuff. Turns out they were a writer. We started talking about writing and it was just nice. It was pleasant. You know, I’m there and I look rough, and potentially hostile, and I’m talking to this person about writing, and it was just nice to have this conversation with a total stranger about something we’re both interested in. It was pleasant and easy, and words just came out. And I felt at ease. It was just a friendly conversation and it was about a shared passion.
We said our goodbyes and I walked to the car, and I felt energised. I felt relieved. I had this moment of happiness and excitement, and it came the whole way home with me, too.
The time it took to write five-hundred words: 09:05:27
To be honest, I thought some of the humour of the first bit would’ve come through more. It didn’t, but at least I got across what I wanted to with the second.
Written at home.
Still no new job and still facing homelessness. Looks like I’ll have a couch in the short-term, at least. That’s a good sign. That’s a relief. But it’s only time. It’s valuable time though, I need to be clear.
A while ago I thought I was at what was my lowest point then, and I told myself I would never let things get that bad ever again. Well, good intentions and all that. This just isn’t a good time and it’s not getting better. I mean, some aspects are, sure, but this just isn’t great. I’m getting too tired to keep doing this and it’s a struggle, but I need to keep going. I don’t have a choice.
I said recently that I didn’t want to be writing this way, and yet I am 9once more. I’ve said that a few times, actually, but it’s still what’s rising to the surface. It’s still what’s coming forward. What can I do, other than let it all happen? But it’s all so miserable and sad and unhappy, and it’s just putting all that misery out there. And I keep fighting and I keep struggling and little is changing, and I’m not in a position to just fuck off from everything because I’m too poor to be able to. So for now, it’s job application after job application after job application and hoping things change.
My ex, she has said that she doesn’t want to see me going through this. Yet she refuses to at least stay in our place until I’m back on my feet, thus reinforcing the issue. I get that she needs to do what she feels is necessary at this point, but it’s just a rough thing. That, along with other things makes me wonder if this is someone I can have in my life after all of this. Do I want to be dealing with someone who hasn’t had my back when I’ve needed them to have it? It’s not a new issue.
I also really don’t want to be talking about her, but here I am talking about her. Not in this space, anyway. I just want to be able to write and get some success from writing. I don’t want to be doing diary stuff, and that’s what I’m doing. I keep on doing it and it keeps on happening and everything is going on forever.
This is all a long, slow fall and I’m not sure if I’m gonna be caught in time. But there is time, and even through all of this despair there is chance. There is possibility for things to turn around, but it’s taking a lot and it keeps on going. But I also keep on going, in part because I have no choice and…
See? I’ve said all this stuff already and I’m saying it again! It’s like the whole thing is on repeat and the words keep on coming up in the same order. This isn’t a great time.
The time it took to write five-hundred words: 07:32:03
I wrote this before work started and had to put it to the side to start work. Funny how that happens. Anyway, I was not in a good state this morning. Things have sort of turned around, but I’ll get into that tomorrow.
Written at work.
I think this may have been a cafe of some sort. I have no idea. I walked past it a few times, took some photos of it. It might still be where it is; I have no idea as I don’t pay any attention to it, generally. Just one morning I noticed it and it was bright.
This is my submission into Leanne Cole‘s “Monochrome Madness” for this week. The next one is hosted by Margaret of From Pyrenees to Penines and she has chosen “Mirror” as her theme.
This photo was taken in spring, though it doesn’t feel much like a spring photo.
This challenge is open to all, and I recommend joining in. If want to, check out more information about it here, and include the tag “monochrome-madness” when you share your photo. If you’d prefer not to join in, then at the least check out Leanne’s photography, and what other people submit.
I hope you enjoy.
So it’s the second pokemon, ivysaur.
This one probably didn’t take too much time, but it felt like it did. After the initial sketching I decided to draw some more solid lines to cut down on the amount of erasing and redrawing I’d have to do. That was a fairly straightforward process, thankfully, but it felt like it took a while. It also led to me discovering that for part of this, I’d used the wrong type of line and fixing it would’ve taken a while. I might one day, but for now I’m wearing the mistake.
I kept the colouring simple again, just to keep things easy on me. It’s another thing I might adjust at some point, but right now it’s more about doing what I can.
This was started on Sunday and finished today.
I hope you enjoy.
One listen.
A lot of the main Pokémon games’ soundtracks are quite beloved, and for good reason. They’re composed appropriately and don’t offer more than necessary, but also appeal when removed from the context of the games. I think that in particular, for this soundtrack Hitomi Sato (佐藤仁美) put in some excellent work. What she did is incredibly fitting constantly. It’s just wonderful.
With this one I tried to draw more on the sense of adventure. I feel I should’ve tried to draw more on exploration as I feel that what I’ve written merely touches on the surface when there’s so much to draw from.
Hitomi Satos’ “Route 12 (Autumn/Winter)” (“１２番道路 (秋～冬)”) is from Nintendo DS Pokémon Black・White Super Music Collection, the soundtrack for Pokémon Black and White.
I hope you enjoy.
—
Another day, another adventure. The world calls out and there’s so much to see. It’s dramatic, yes, but it’s wonderful. It’s wondrous. Over hills and down in valleys, and water flows on a fresh day.
There are challenges, sure, but there are successes. There is a lot to see and learn, and it takes a lot but moving forward is still desired. So much will be missed if stopping here, and there is no desire to stop anyway. Things don’t stop, and neither does the journey. It continues among the verdant landscape, and it continues as the sounds fade and the song ends.
One listen.
Got a fair bit out with this one and I’m kind of surprised. I don’t think I did well enough to paint the scene. Was kind of doing so at the start, then veered away hard.
Hitomi Satos’ (佐藤仁美) “Abyssal Ruins” (“海底遺跡”) is from Nintendo DS Pokémon Black・White Super Music Collection, the soundtrack for Pokémon Black and White.
I hope you enjoy.
—
Shimmering percussion and strings of light come in through from above the surface. More percussion frames the space, and the strings lower. More come in, adding more shape, and things seem to settle before changing form.
The percussion rattles and echoes out, and another instrument comes in, fluttering and moving with the strings, or moving in steps alongside them. Sounds settle, the strings create some ominousness. They create a murk, and all seems darkened. Sounds return to flow and moving with each other, and mystery comes forward. Then some of it lightens up, if only for a moment. There’s still that murk, and perhaps some menace. Some uncertainty, but it’s a little lighter for the moment.
Eventually that full tension comes through again and it draws long. It draws heavy and reinforces, but it once again is countered when more instrumentation returns and adds that minor sense of adventure all the way through to the sounds fading at the song’s end.
One listen.
There’s a few more to come this morning. I queued up some tracks yesterday to write about, but yesterday ended up being a train wreck so I’m doing them now before work.
A pretty calm track and once more I tried to capture that. Not sure how well I did. I feel like I started something and then put it down, in a sense. Not far enough.
Hitomi Satos’ (佐藤仁美) “Undella Town (Autumn/Winter/Spring)” (“サザナミタウン (秋～春)”) is from Nintendo DS Pokémon Black・White Super Music Collection, the soundtrack for Pokémon Black and White.
I hope you enjoy
—
Waves lapping at a shoreline and percussion comes in, some of it sparkling, some of it just gently lapping at the sand. Low, and quiet. Strings off in the distance, emphasising. Keeping a light subtlety until more of them rise up. Seems to be asking about rest; about taking it easy; about enjoying the moment, for how brief it may be.
With the space provided the sounds linger beyond their patterns and beyond their ends. It’s time to think and reflect, and time to enjoy the space. It’s time provided to appreciate the moment.
There is, perhaps, some sadness among it all. Looking out beyond the shoreline, appreciating the calm and quiet, and soon it all fades out and the song ends.
One listen.
I wanted to draw out the sense of pause that this song provides. It plays only in gates, small buildings that connect one area to another. They’re nice to have, but they’re also pretty conspicuous and eventually lead to a sense of area disconnect. I’m pretty certain that the gates are used to allow time for loading, and even though I have issues with them, I also like that Game Freak made considerations for that whilst adding to the world they built.
The gates kind of allow for a brief moment of pause and so I tried to draw on that. Not sure if I did it well enough, but I think I did okay.
Hitomi Satos’ (佐藤仁美) “Gate” (“ゲート”) is from Nintendo DS Pokémon Black・White Super Music Collection, the soundtrack for Pokémon Black and White.
—
Gentle tones float on through a peaceful space. A calm space. A pleasant space. It’s time to relax. Time to take it easy. Even though this is a brief moment, it has the opportunity to linger and let all tension dissipate.
Through spaced notes and flowing sounds, there’s a sense of the future. a sense of looking forward. Also a sense of the present, and safety. Of the small things in life, and the big, emotional ones too. But it comes easy. It doesn’t inundate. It’s just enough.
This moment of rest shall pass, and it does as the sounds fade out and the song ends.
It has been a day. I’m still standing. I’m still alive. I’ve done some things. But it has been a day. I am tired and worn out, and I am struggling hard. Will get through it, but it’s gonna take time.
So getting closer to the end. Only a week left of employment. Less than two weeks of having a roof over my head. I’m worn out. I don’t want to keep struggling, but I need to keep struggling. I need to persist. But I’m so tired of struggling.
At this stage I don’t know what I can do. I keep hunting for jobs and I keep getting rejections. I need to be earning a certain amount to stay afloat, and it’s not due to lifestyle creep; it’s due to living in an expensive country. It’s just not a good time.
Don’t know what’s going on with my ex. Still feels like she feels something even though she says she doesn’t. Her actions are part of why I’m in this situation, though I don’t blame her. Don’t think that’d be fair, or even right. But it feels like she feels something, but she says she doesn’t. I don’t know what’s going on.
I’m just tired and destroyed in all sorts of ways and I’m trying to continue on, but tomorrow is a work day and so Ill need to show up at work and do my job. I’ll need to be there and get on with tasks and get them all done. And I’ll need to squeeze in applying for jobs around it all.
It’s just not a good time, and I’m writing what I don’t want to be writing. This is all too upsetting and I don’t want to be dragging the mood down, but that’s what I’m doing at the moment. I don’t feel I have much a say in the matter.
So I have to keep on going but soon I have to start getting rid of everything I own, too. This is all too much and I’m so very tired. I just want to be held. I want to be held by my partner, and I want to lie down and wake up and find out that this was all a bad dream. I’m so tired of pushing on and struggling, but stopping doesn’t change anything for the better. But I’ve been struggling for years now.
At the very least I got some stuff done today. I’ve gotten some of the house cleaned up, and that’s something, but it’s not my home for much longer. It’s not much of anything for much longer, and that’s the way it’s going to be. I keep on holding out and trying to enact change and I’m continuously prevented from doing so, but I have to keep on trying. As tough as it is and as upsetting as it is, I have to keep on going, because if I don’t, nothing will improve. It’s just all heavy and really upsetting.
The time it took to write five-hundred words: 07:06:68
I had to think about sharing this due to dour it is, but it’s what came forward and so it’s what I’m sharing.
Written at home.
Stupidity Hole 