Stupidity Hole

This is a draft of something that may eventually appear on From Somewhere Out the Back. It might end up being pulled apart and used in different things. Not sure yet. I figured, however, that if I’m gradually moving to doing more “essay” on another platform, I’ll share the sketches here and the completed stuff on the new space.

The below was mostly churned out from memory. I can fill in a good deal if I started editing right now, but that’s not something I’m feeling like doing at the present moment. It’s not a happy read, and it’s a bit of a dry read too. Is the way these things go, sometimes.

I hope you enjoy.

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I left home at around 8:10 p.m., and drove over to Pleb City to pick up my friend Andy. Andy lives in Leura, and he was in Marrickville for band rehearsals. I found the place easy enough. It’s on a one-way street, stopped a little far past it, couldn’t get parking. Let him know I was there but I was stuck, then did a loop around to park closer to the place. Found out I could park on the footpath after.

Whilst there I took some photos of the band. I wasn’t quite there, but I did my best. I got into it a bit, but I wasn’t engaged enough. Worked with lighting as best as I could, got some sort of grungy, straightforward photos. Sufficient enough. Once done Andy, one of the other band members and myself drove off to Enmore. The other band member hopped out there, then Andy and I headed off to The Blue Mountains.

It wasn’t long before we were in the M4 Tunnel, and subsequently, on the M4. I gave Andy a mostly full rundown of getting dumped. He was already aware of some of the details, but I felt it best to fill in everything. Try to paint as even a picture as possible. My driving had been off and there were times where I almost left the lane, but I kept going and I kept telling him what happened. Expressed my pain, as it were. He commiserated, and talked about his own relationship issues, and gradually the conversation drifted away from that subject. There’s only so much you can say about it before you’re beating yourself into the ground.

It was dark and beautiful, but it was difficult to notice. Too much pain and too much trying to concentrate more than usual to counteract the lowered driving ability. The car itself was struggling, but getting there. It had come back from the mechanic after some expensive repair work a couple of days prior. Necessary, though it was work that was necessary a while ago – that the previous mechanic hadn’t investigate properly – before switching to a new one. Had the work been done when issues were noticed, the work would’ve cost much less.

Fog came, and the fog lights went on. I pointed it out when I turned them on. Don’t get to use them much. Andy said soothing about the ingenuity of Japanese design. I said something about them being pretty standard, though I’m not sure if they are. Told him I could show them on his car. Didn’t get around to doing that.

I dropped Andy off where he parked, then continued on to his place and met him there. Before rounding the corner to where he lives, a great sheet of fog absorbed the lights. I could see through it, but it was almost as though it was impenetrable.

Andy parked first, then I after him. We went inside and I crashed in his guest room. Had a rough, sweaty sleep, but it was a needed sleep. It was necessary.

I woke up in the morning far too early, but far less early than I had been. The only reason it was early was that Andy wasn’t awake yet. I decided I’d read, but I couldn’t read. Mindlessly scrolled on my phone until I heard Andy in the kitchen, then went down.

He made coffee and breakfast, and we talked about jobs and music. A lot about King Crimson and Andy’s criticism of their use of saxophone. A lot of Dream Theater and about how they have all the right ideas, but execute them in the worst ways. A lot of talk about making music and the wonder of it all, and a bit about the meaninglessness and meaning. You know, light stuff mixed with heavy.

We talked a bit about music production too, and ideas and careers. There wasn’t much else to say about getting dumped. I knew I’d have to try and work stuff out, but it seemed unnecessary at that moment.

Eventually I got ready to leave and left. Andy had work and I still had some driving to do.

The aim was to get to Bathurst and see Ewe and Anna. I never see them as much as I want and there was no special reason to be going, but I needed some time away from Sydney. I needed some distraction. I stopped off in Katoomba to buy some bread, then kept on driving to Bathurst. I think I did alright, time-wise.

I got there and helped with pulling up carpet, or rather the underlayer of carpet as most of the work was already done. Before that, when I arrived I gave Anna a big hug and almost collapsed. Same with Ewe. I just felt overwhelmed at that point.

But I did the big hug and then helped with some carpet removal… after moving a couch and talking crap. Ewe and I took it to the tip, went back, went into his shed bar room thing and I told him everything. He, too, already knew details, but I still gave him as much as I could. Just got it all out, and it was a long retelling, though these things usually are.

I’m trying to put together the pieces, though I know how they fit. I’m still trying, however, because that’s all I can do.

But we hung and I told him, and then we moved onto listening to music. Specifically, Radiohead’s Kid A, because I guess the thing I needed most was to feel more miserable. Somewhere in it all we were talking about our top Radiohead songs. I think it was around “Optimistic” coming on, and I talked about my top three, which I said were “Optimistic”, “All I Need” and “Codex”. Ewe asked about “Street Spirit (Fade Out)”. Top four now. Eventually it became a top five.

But around “Optimisitc” we paused the album and I put on Lianne La Havas’ cover of “Weird Fishes”, and we listened to how it built and moved, and the light tearing at the emotions and strength in vulnerability and all those things, and there was something in it that made me feel something, if only for a moment. Ewe thought it was good. We went back to Kid A.

Tried to compete with each other on a treadmill too, but it ended up being more an encouragement to succeed thing than any competition.

Eventually we went back into the house, ordered pizza and watched Dungeons and Dragons: Honor Among Thieves, which was about thirty minutes too long for what it was. Good film overall and felt, in a way, like a D&D campaign, but it could’ve been shorter, because it also felt like it was trying to be a specific kind of adventure film. But that’s the way it goes, sometimes.

I woke up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. Ewe was also awake. He was too hot to sleep so he’d moved to the couch. I sent him something stupid, then went back to sleep.

In the morning we walked his dog and talked some more. I talked about how it was great that my friends were supporting me through all of this, but it was upsetting that my ex hadn’t been there for me whilst I’m going through the stress of job hunting and trying to avoid unemployment.

For the longest time I’ve felt as though I’ve had to be mentally strong enough for both my ex and I, and I don’t feel as though I’ve been supported. It has been difficult. At the same time, I am keenly aware that I haven’t been as supportive as I should have been. But whilst strolling across the park after seeing a bunch of kids with some box carts, the relief and hurt of my feelings of how I’ve been supported took over. I was there and away from Sydney, and I didn’t want to go back but I’d have to. I still have to go to work, I still have to do my job, all of those things. I have to keep going, but it’s all sorts of hard. I wanted to keep moving, to keep driving on and forever until I had no choice but to turn back, but perhaps I didn’t have a choice at this point.

We went to get coffee, then headed on back. I hung out with Anna for a bit, had breakfast, then begun the drive back.

My first stop was to take photos. There was a spot I saw on the way to Bathurst that I thought would be good to get some, and it was, but the weather was less favourable. Sometimes it’s better to stop when you first can.

I took another stop after going back up into The Blue Mountains. There’s a lookout that I’ve stopped at once before, and I always want to check it out, and this time I stopped there in the rain. I sat in the car for a while, staring at nothing in particular. Staring out into space and wondering, and I got out. I considered jumping, and it was a tough decision to consider. Eventually I left and continued the journey home.

Stopped off a couple more times; one being in Katoomba to buy toiletries I thought I’d lost. Turned out I hadn’t, but you know. I continued back on. I didn’t want to head back home; I wanted to be around my friends and just relax, and I wanted to keep driving away, but the large magnet always pulls me back. So I kept on driving back to Sydney, and I got home, and I stepped through the door, wondering what I was going to say, and feeling supported by my friends regardless.