Elephant Gym: Ocean in the Night

Posted on March 19, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

I’d heard this song once before today, when I first spun the album it’s from. Decided to give the album a listen again. Something in the song appealed to me. Decided to write about it.

Not sure if I captured it well, but I captured something about it.

Elephant Gym’s “Ocean in the Night” is from World. It features Hom Shenhao, and is the orchestra version of the song.

I hope you enjoy.

—

A pulse fades in with a percussive knock, and soon gentle guitar joins in. Vocals float and drift on over, peacefully. More percussion and other sounds come in. Percussion steady, and other sounds also drifting. Floating. Brass becomes apparent, coming through the light mixture of it all.

There’s seemingly a pause for thought, or reflection before everything starts rising. The vocals retain their calm, and perhaps so do the sounds. All is rising, but all is peaceful and expanding upon the moment.

It hits the peak, and guitar seems to strike out for a moment before coming back to a calmness and joining the returning sounds. A new percussive pattern of sorts and it’s all gentle and quiet, and peaceful. It carries peace and a drama, moving onward, possibly able to explode at any time, but refusing to do so. Refusing to chase that energy.

A section with a bit more of a playfulness as the sounds interact with each other in a different way than before. It seems almost as though they’re dancing around with each other, being a little silly, being light in a different way, and then they find a rest once more.

There’s that build that could’ve come before, and the song becomes big, and the vocals return, though they were here and there before, and the sounds are rising with energy, but remaining calm. Remaining low, watching the distance, watching the space, preferring to feel relaxed, in a sense, and perhaps a little wistful among the joy of experience.

Almost celebratory now. Almost finding that moment that perhaps was searched for, whether knowingly or not. Building, building but remaining calm. Sounds becoming textural, before reaching the moment they are fine to stop, stopping in a big rock way done small, and followed by the song ending.

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Five-Hundred Word Challenge 1466: More Post-dump Rambling

Posted on March 18, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

Of course everything is a mix right now and I have no idea what’s going on. My contract ending is getting close and I’m yet to get a job interview. Need to cast the net wide, all of those things.

Today writing feels a little easier. Maybe I can get through today. One day at a time, one step… all of those things. If I can do it, then I can do it and that’s great. But I need to keep going. Need to keep pushing through it all. Need to get an interview and land something before the end of next month, or I’m screwed.

Tough times. Getting dumped and needing to find a job. Kicked when down, all of those things. You get the idea. However, do I get the idea? Is there something to learn from all of this? Perhaps. Perhaps not. We’ll have to see.

I think that today is a nice day, or at least it seems like it will be a nice day. I don’t know if it will be though. It’s one of those days where I’m holding onto hope, but not expecting my desires to be fulfilled. It’s one of those waiting to see what happens-type days. But I’ll get through it.

Not much choice, really.

I want to talk about getting dumped, and I guess I am, but I also want to avoid a repeat of 2014. I don’t want to be that person again. Good times, bad times, but also chaotically intense times, and it wasn’t good for me, at the end of it all. When I say that, there was good growth to come out of that year, but I don’t want to be going on and on about issues and working on myself and those introspective thoughts that, admittedly, helped me get through it all, but vetting all of it wasn’t great. But we’ll see. We’ll have to see what happens. Maybe it’ll all become too much and I’ll go ahead and pour it all out.

The day is young and so is the hurt, and it does hurt, but I’m getting through it. Still a long way to go, of course. Could easily go south, but I already know I’m handling it better than the last time, so that’s a plus.

So I’m sitting here, patting myself on the back whilst missing my partner terribly, and hurting all sorts of hurt, but I’m respecting her decision. We’re still under the same roof, but we’re staying away from each other. I have hope that we’ll work on our issues and work toward being together, but I’m not expecting a guarantee. I’m not expecting her to turn around and agree. I just hope, and that’s all I can do.

In the interim, I need to keep on going. I need to keep working toward having a job, but it’s getting close and I might have to step back once more, but hopefully I don’t. Hopefully I can get something good.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 08:30:48

Still a bit slow. Or fast. I don’t know.
Things are getting a bit dicey, so I’m hoping a job comes through.
This is a combination I really could do without right now, to be honest.

Written at work.

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Five-Hundred Word Challenge 1465: Forcing Myself to Write Again

Posted on March 17, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

Right now I have to force myself to write. I have the desire, but I don’t want to, but I need to force myself. Tried to do so yesterday, in consuming heat. Couldn’t, but had to keep routine going so still got a photo up. Gotta write now, because if I don’t then I won’t keep applying for jobs. It’s a tough time to stick to routine, but I have to.

Other than the heat, let myself cry a little. That was the rest of the day gone. Have to keep going.

So I’m at work and I’m sitting here in the quiet, preparing to run around and get things set up and all that stuff. Preparing to throw myself into whatever may come, but I need to just push on a bit more. Just need to get to the end of the day and then go from there. Keep going, keep getting through it all. You know, all those things that keep me going. So long as I do, I’ll get through it.

To be clear, I’m not trying to run. I’m letting the hurt hurt, but I’m also recognising that I do not have the time to be unable to do anything. Once I have some stability back, then I can collapse and do nothing for a few weeks. Then I can cry, because at least I’ll have a job and I can still do that. I can still get through work and the need for shopping and everything else that’s key to survival, and I can do not much, if anything of anything else and rest. But for now it’s just letting the hurt hurt and pushing on to another job before my contract ends, and it’s doing my best to stick to routine to keep myself going.

All these things are tough, and writing this is also tough. I have the inclination to write, but I don’t want to. I have the need to keep working toward writing something good, and seeing where the mind leads and all of those things. I have the desire to paint the sky and the feel of wind, and how flowers smell in a young spring. I want to find ways of capturing the feeling of being inside during the rain, knowing that the smell of hot pavement and road rises, and how it seems to be awful and reassuring at the same time, but being away from it nonetheless. And all of those other things.

But it’s hard. I need to keep going and I will keep going, and I’ll force myself to write. I’ve been through worse. Definitely been through better, but I have an idea of what’s going on and I’m trying to make sense of it all, but more importantly I’m prioritising my need to keep going for the time being. I’m walking along a pathway and I’m gonna keep walking, and when I need to rest I’ll put down the seat and watch the stars.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 08:16:67

A bit slow and a bit more rambling than I’d like right now.
Also very much what I don’t want to be writing, but it’s what’s coming out from what I’m forcing, so it’s what is here.

Written at work.

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The Face is Behind

Posted on March 16, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

I took this photo a few weeks ago when I had to take a portrait of myself for something work-related. I’m fairly certain this was a test shot and I wasn’t going to do anything with it, but I decided to process it because I like how it looks.

This is my submission into the three hundred-and-fortieth Lens-Artists Photo Challenge. The theme for this one is “Portraits“.

I feel this photo works for the challenge in the sense that can function as a portrait obscured.

The host of the Lens-Artists challenges cycles weekly between the following people:

Tina

Patti

Ann-Christine aka Leya

John Steiner

Sofia Alves

Anne Sandler

Egídio

Ritva

This one is curated by Ritva. The next one is curated by Tina.

I recommend joining the community and participating in the challenges. They’re pretty straightforward, allow room for interpretation, and provide a good way to think about photography in general. If not, however, then at the very least you should check out what others submit to the challenges.

I hope you enjoy.

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Watery Archway

Posted on March 15, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

Going through photos to see what I could upload as things are still pretty raw at the moment. Came across this one. Lucky shot.

I hope you enjoy.

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The First Song is “Feather”

Posted on March 14, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

So yesterday I got dumped at lunchtime. Eight years. A time both short and long by many measures. I tried to get back to working, couldn’t. Left work early, they were understanding.

Talked about it with my now-ex, she was set on it. She has her own stuff to deal with and she wants space right now. Fair. As much as it hurts, I get that. She also doesn’t want to try again, even through couples counseling. At the same time, she’s scared of losing me. I’m not emotionally mature enough to wait or do the friend thing, and I don’t think that’s fair on me.

This started on Wednesday evening, or rather, it started a while ago, but this started Wednesday evening. Partner comes home, is feeling upset. I dig, she said she didn’t want to say anything. I keep digging; I’m not the perfect partner, or even a great one, but if there’s something I can help with I want to help.

And then it came forward.
She feels we need to be apart and wanted space, and she needs to work on her own stuff, but she’s scared of losing me, but she doesn’t feel the same way about me as she’d had previously.

Not her exact words, and I pried more because it sounded like I was being dumped, and that’s not what she wanted to do, but she wasn’t sure… these things are, of course, hard. It is, as is the norm, a complex situation.

So then I was, but I wasn’t. But I slept in the empty room we weren’t finding a housemate for as we preferred to absorb the cost if it meant we weren’t worrying about a third. We’d both had troubles with other housemates, and so absorbing the cost meant I was fortunate in a saddening way.

Yesterday day I called my partner during lunch. We were meant to have an inspection and she worked from home to be there for it, but it was cancelled as the inspector was ill, which she messaged me about earlier in the day. I was still upset so I ignored it, but I called around lunch and got the full details. We then went on to discuss the issues further and I got dumped. We kept talking, but eventually had to stop. Tried to get back to work, couldn’t. Left early.

Went home, walked around a bit, eventually went to our room. We spoke about it some more.

I don’t want to get into the details of my partner’s life. She has things going on and she needs to deal with them, and I’m sure she will. If this is how she feels she needs to go about it – with distance from me so she can deal with them on her own – then I need to respect that. Where we fundamentally disagree, however, is that I think our problems are surmountable. She doesn’t.

When I spoke to my partner on the phone yesterday, I suggested couple’s therapy. My partner got annoyed as it was something she had suggested in the past. I’m not quick with these things. It takes me time to think on them, and that’s not good. But I’m open to the idea now, and especially because I think it can help. Anyway, she doesn’t think it can and doesn’t think we’ve been getting better. I put forward what I believed, she still didn’t think the relationship can be worked on. It felt like she wasn’t willing to consider what I said anyway, but she responded how she felt, and I don’t want her to feel pressured or manipulated into this.

When speaking to my partner about why, because everything seemed okay, she said that if she hadn’t said anything the day prior she probably would’ve pushed through, but once she spoke about how she felt after I asked her, she felt that that was that.

I spoke to some friends about it after. When it came to speaking to Ewe, I told him how I felt about the whole thing and that I still believed that we can get past our issues, but I wasn’t trying to push it more, because what can I do at that point anyway? And I talked about how I didn’t want to do what I did last time. I had to deal with it and go from there.

This morning I drove to work. Didn’t want to be on the bus. Put on the last playlist I created. The first song is “Feather”. I probably thought something along the lines of “here we go”. Headed to work and, along the way, realised I wasn’t in the best frame of mind to drive. But I got there okay.

So now I’m home, trying to make sense of it all. Trying to work out why my partner doesn’t feel affection for me anymore, but is scared of losing me. It having been the length of time is rarely the sole reason. Trying to make sense of her reasoning.

I’m deeply upset. I’m devastated, and it hurts, but this stuff always does. But at the same time I feel nothing.

I want to cry, but I’m holding off until I’ve some sense of stability back in my life. I still need to find another job and avoid being homeless. If I cry now, I’ll end up not functional for a week or two, and I don’t have that time right now. Right now I have to pick up the pieces, let the hurt happen and then work on rebuilding. But once I have another job, or another roof over my head that’s not this one, then I’ll cry.

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A Slice of Rust

Posted on March 13, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

This is another rust photo, and and I feel it works well in monochrome. To me, it looks like a close up of rock, or perhaps a distance above a rocky landscape.

This is my submission into Leanne Cole‘s “Monochrome Madness” for this week. The next one is hosted by Leanne, and she has chosen the theme of “One Image Cropped 3 Ways”.

This challenge is open to all, and I recommend joining in. If want to, check out more information about it here, and include the tag “monochrome-madness” when you share your photo. If you’d prefer not to join in, then at the least check out Leanne’s photography, and what other people submit.

I hope you enjoy.

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Five-Hundred Word Challenge 1464: Mood Dump

Posted on March 13, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

What a year, and we’re not even three full months in.

Putting aside all the pretty scary stuff going on in the world for this bit of writing, I gotta say, I just want some fucking stability in my life. Is that too much to ask? Job uncertainty, relationship uncertainty, home uncertainty… it’s just not stopping. Last year things seemed to level out; this year it’s back to how it was, but with the added uncertainty of a relationship.

I don’t like venting my spleen much, if at all. I’ve done that here before and it’s not what I want to be doing, but I’m so tired and so overwhelmed, and I just want to be able to keep working on the things that I want to work on and not have to continually put them to the side. I just want to be able to head on home and not wonder if I’m still in a relationship or not. I want to be able to keep working and not have to keep applying for jobs whilst having to consider that I could very well be unemployed and homeless pretty soon.

It’s great and all to say that things will turn around, but I’m living it now and it’s an absolute pain trying to get an interview at the moment. I’m tired and I have to keep going, but I’m so very tired. I just want to sleep and rest, and not have to worry about stuff for a while, but I have to keep worrying. When is it going to be my turn to actually live a life of comfort beyond a few months? When will I be afforded this opportunity?

Some people will say that working hard gets success or something along those lines, and I often find that it’s not necessarily the case. There’s always so much chance and it ends up being a thing one says if they want to comfort themselves. Don’t get me wrong; I think working hard is important. I don’t think it guarantees success, however. There’s a lot more that goes into that then just going down a line, and that’s something a lot of people don’t seem to want to realise.

This is a cynical thing to say, I know. I don’t want to be saying it. I want to be saying happier things and talking nonsense, but it just isn’t a good time. I want to keep going but shit’s heavy and I’m gonna have to put things down sooner rather than later if these continues. When do I get my break? When can I truly excel? Where does my luck come through, beyond my luck in managing to keep surviving?

Yeah, no one owes me anything, but, as said earlier, I just want stability. I don’t want to have to worry about stuff for a while. I don’t want to be going through waves of uncertainty. I don’t feel that that’s too much to ask, but maybe it is.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 08:42:93

Decent speed. Bit messy, but it’s a messy time. Reflective of the experience, or something.

Written at work.

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Gradual Layer Removal

Posted on March 12, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

I think this photo is interesting in how it shows erosion.

I hope you enjoy.

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Coming to the Platform

Posted on March 11, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

Really clear photo, this one. Actually, maybe it’s not, but it looks clear to me.
Not as massive as a wave can appear, but I still like what’s coming forward. There’s motion, and perhaps a sense of that motion being frozen. I also like that there’s a sense of volume to the wave. It feels very full to me.

I hope you enjoy.

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