I’ve already seen the queues and now I am dreading the commencement of work more than I was earlier, but sometimes that is the way things go. Bit of dread but nothing I cannot overcome.
I think I’m once more stuck in a rut. However, the reason I feel that way is it feels like I got out of the previous one, had a bit of a look around, then decided to go back in, feeling as though the adventurous and mysterious world out there was a little too overbearing.
Okay, so that’s a little bit dramatic, especially for this hour of the morning. However, that is kind of how I feel. Maybe a little less dramatic. Hard to tell at the present moment.
So now I need to find a way to claw my way back out of this little rut of which I seem to keep on inhabiting and then seal it off before I decide to turn back round and go back in. Need to get away from it and find another rut; one that is moving continually so that I’m not so worried about getting stuck in one spot. Well, there would need to be some stops along the way, but still, need to keep on moving. Nothing wrong with getting deeper on a subject (or subjects), but there is an issue with recognising the need to get way from some stuff and not doing so. Well, sometimes. As always, it depends on how you feel about things.
So anyway, this is the bit of writing that I am using to try and get myself out of this little hole,. I need to claw my way out. No going back. Need to find other stuff. Need to go on a bit of a search,. as they say, whoever they are,. Don’t know; never met them… yet.
Of course the search for something new often is filled with plenty of missteps, but in those missteps plants can grow and life can spring forth. There are a lot of ways of turning things around (depending on what it is, of course) and that is something that I need to take into consideration. Just can’t stay still for very ling. Need to keep on moving. Need to move forward.
So what I’m currently trying to do is turn this all into some sort of story, but it’s not quite working as perhaps I’m just not letting myself be free enough with this writing. However, I still want to steer everything in a (sort of) specific direction. Not finding the balance, I think. Maybe I should just let everything go and go completely free and see what happens, but then again right now I don’t want to see what happens. I just want to get my intentions across and then leave it at that. So long as I do that, then I can surely get on with the doing of other things and the other writings after the fact. Be a bit more free then. Pretend that I’m doing free jazz in writing form. Not the case, but that is what I would like to pretend that I am doing, so I guess I need to get on with it, or something.
Perhaps I just need to pretend that I’m being far more improvisational than I actually am. don’t know if I can, but maybe if I do pretend long enough, then I will get back to what the aim of these bits of writing were for, but of course I would need to stick to it for a while so as to show some sort of traceable change. Not necessarily growth; just the change will be fine for the time being.
What if I am not receiving in change, however? What i0f everything exchanged is everything exactly as of itself? What do I do then? Do I just keep on going and then decide to tunnel my way out? Is that what I am meant to do? What if I do so and then just end up on the other side 0of a mountain? What do I do from there? Where do I go from there? Do I just go back in and appreciate the slight breeze I’ve now acquired whilst I then tunnel away from it and try to dig deeper, only to find myself back where I started? Need to really just push away from it all.
I could instead just go for a walk down the side of the mountain and see what is there and delight in what isn’t there whilst also delighting in what is there and then go from there. Consider it as a journey of sorts, as that is what it is. Find some sort of meaning and form of growth in the whole thing and appreciate the sights and converse with nature. I think. Don’t know. What I do know is that I need to find a way out of this rut in which I am currently inhabiting.
I should really just crawl out of it and do what I wrote I would do earlier: seal it before I can get back in. I’m kind of done with mentioning work, but of course that will continue. Just need to move away from it. See it as part of my past, remember it, but get away from the whole thing. I’m more interesting in flights of fancy and letting the mind run free. Seeing where it leads but not necessarily chase after it, if that make sense. Of course there needs to be some sort of grounding, but I really want to let loose and create a massive, incomprehensible mess that is equal parts massive and incomprehensible. That would suit me fine at the present moment. However, maybe not. Need to retain some sort of discipline along the way.
Well, I guess this is a continuation of shifting. Will probably get worse before it gets better, but who knows what will happen?
The time it took to write one thousand words: 09:53:82
Another thing I mashed out before work and was not able to upload until now.
It was a long day.
So this is… I think I illustrated my point.
Written at home.