Alright, so where do I even begin with this one? Other than at the start, of course.
I’m trying to work out what it is that I want to say at the current moment. Of course that is something that I always try to work out, though perhaps not always so take this sentence with a healthy dose of salt. Best way to approach it and you get away with not trying to reach for deeper meaning for no reason as there is no deeper meaning that exists in that sentence… without any reason, of course.
Well, that seems like it was the best place to start but I don’t know if it was the best way to start. I think that there are better ways in which I could have started this bit of writing, but here we are. We are no longer at the start of this writing and we are moving further and further away with each word written and each letter placed down on this representation of something that is not paper, but might suggest the image of paper; something of which has no bearing on the fact that I am currently writing this out with no particular aim in place.
I made it through the day and now I’m trying to get this written out so I can go onto the next thing. The weekend ahead is busy and this is a bit of warming up. However, I treat this bit of writing the same as I treat most of my writing: something that I will forget about until I somehow remember it at some point down the track. Who knows how far down the track that will be? I don’t, but there is always guessing which can help me get to a rough estimation of when the remembering of this bit of writing will occur.
I am guessing that it will happen at some point between after I finish the writing and slightly after the point in which I remember the writing existing.
So now that that is out of the way I guess I should move on and try to work out some other things, but those things don’t involve trying to remember what it is that I should have probably started this bit of writing off with as I have no idea what it is that I should have started this bit of writing off with. As such I am merely twirling about in a circular pattern as I let the lack of anything driving me drive me forward.
Well, there is the desire to write, but I’d much rather pretend that that is not there and I’m merely running on nothing at all. I want to pretend that somehow, even though it is clear as to what is going on with this bit of writing that there is nothing behind it whatsoever. There is no drive; no desire that compels me to keep on going and push on forward with what it is that I am doing which just so happens to be the act of writing. However, despite how much I pretend I cannot run from the truth; that I desire to write and I desire to write at some length and as such I am entertaining that desire.
That all said, there needs to be a bit more. Not always, of course, but maybe right now there needs to be a bit more that is helping to drive this along. It is difficult to always sustain a sense of aimless rambling, though perhaps it is not always difficulty. However, it is difficult to keep on writing at the moment as currently I exist in a world of pain and probably should rest, but I am a stubborn beast and so will keep on going toward the end of this and hope that somehow I link it all together and it all makes sense and so on and so forth.
I should probably stop saying that so often, but perhaps the reason that I do is that it is easy to say. It is easy to lock into a few select things and then churn things out based around them. It is not that I set out to do this, but it is something that I do and it is something that I am keenly aware of doing and am hoping to eventually break away from, much like I hope to break away from the rut of which I am firmly planted within so that I can move onto writing about other things and hopefully find a way to challenge myself.
Maybe it is a sign that I am in desperate need of a break but that is not something that I hope to entertain at any point in time. What I hope to do is just keep on powering on and slowly move away from one thing to another and paint some sort of messy picture that makes no sense and has no discernible meaning. I hope to do this through the power of words, but there is no telling as to whether that will actually happen or not. It probably won’t, but it might. There is only one way to find out, however, and that is through the process of going through it all and doing the thing and seeing what happens when I get to the end of it all. When that happens, I do not know. I do know that I will keep on going for a while, however.
Maybe there will be no shift and this will continue to be the same thing over and over again. Maybe that is what will happen. I don’t know at the moment, but I do hope that is not the path I go down. I hope I move away from that, but there is no telling right now. I may need to take a break at some point, but much like many things, I’ll find out later on.
The time it took to write one thousand words: 11:26:03
Fast and messy.
There are things that I need to work on and refinement certainly is one of them.
I think it is time to really, REALLY start getting out of the hole I’ve dug myself into and find a way to not go back in.
Written at home.