Community

Posted on April 11, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

Almost every day I go to the local cafe. Might get a coffee; might be picking up milk. Could be taking over a classes’ lunch order. Work stuff. You know. But almost every day I’m at the local cafe due to work, and often just to get something to drink in the morning.

The cafe is pretty close. Maybe thirty metres away from the entrance of where I work. Easy to get to. I’m usually in and out, and that’s that. Interactions for the day end. Sometimes I’m there multiple times. Always depends on things.

Recently I became the local heartthrob for the cafe staff. Of course, this isn’t true, but they know what I’m going through and what I’m dealing with, and we talk and get along. They take an interest in my life and I, theirs. And it makes me wonder about what is going on in my life, that these people who barely know me are friendly and warm with me.

Though it doesn’t make me wonder, actually, because in a sense we are colleagues even though we work in different businesses. But we also get along. WE talk, and we form community. We speak about our lives and share stories and joke. We share sadness and we uplift each other.

Every now and then I interact with some of the contractors who help maintain this building whenever I request their help. We’ve gotten to know each other and are more relaxed. It’s more community. It’s the same with the facilitators who work here. We talk, we take interest in what we each go through. But we also get the work done. I’m there to assist where I can and so are they.

My contract is coming to an end soon and I’m not looking forward to the possibility that I won’t be here. I like who I work with, and I like the people I interact with. I like being part of a team, but I also like being part of a community. I like this community and I feel accepted, and it’s wonderful. I don’t feel like an outsider. But if I’m gone, that community changes. These people lose someone they like and are happy to work with, and I lose a space where I get to feel accepted. It changes.

Community isn’t necessarily a stable thing, of course, but it takes a long time to build and not much to break. It has familiarity, and that acceptance of familiarity and willingness to be part of it. It takes time and it’s not always operating optimally, but it’s one of the most wonderful things when done well. Looking after each other, taking an interest in people, and being reliable and accountable. And it’s going to be sad once I’m gone, because the community here will change once more, and that’ll be that.

Posted in Life | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Five-Hundred Word Challenge 1482: Some old ground, some new ground.

Posted on April 11, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

Last night I was going to write freely. Continue on with the thing I’m trying to achieve (which I’ll attempt again today, and keep on attempting if I must). Decided to write under time constraints instead. Didn’t pan out. Doing it now.

Bad news yesterday, though that’s not anything new. Perhaps it’s better to say undesirable news, but that do be the way it pans out, sometimes. And then some reassurance, and then someone else getting bad news, and then being spoken to in a way that raises hypocrisy, and… yeah. But now I’m here. I’m here, I’m alive, and I can keep going. It’s not all bad.

Looks like it’ll be a warm day. Don’t want it to be, but that’s how it looks. Mainly because I didn’t water the plants this morning. But you know, it’s not all bad. I know some people will appreciate today. I might not, but some will, and, well, good on them. That sounds sarcastic, but it isn’t.

So what am I doing here? What am I doing right now? Spinning the wheels? Once more? Yet again? For how long? Questions?

What am I doing here? I could be anywhere (not really), so why here? Why here when I need to be applying for more jobs? Well, I need to work still and my contract is yet to end. Still waiting on some good news, of course, but these things take time. Always do and always will.

I guess this is one of those moments where I shouldn’t be writing because I don’t know what it is that I’m trying to convey, or rather I just want to move onto the next thing. I have an idea that I want to get across and it’s about community, in a sense, and really it is about community and not much, if anything else. Well, there are probably other things involved, but you know. But I need to finish this. I need to find where the point of this bit of writing lies, if I can indeed find that at all.

I need more sleep. Don’t know how I’m still powering on at the moment, but I am and that’s pretty good.

Out of this window I can see a bird, a tree, buildings, another tree, more than two trees, more buildings. It looks so pleasant outside, and yet it doesn’t seem to be. A lot of traffic, a lot of coldness on a warm day. It all keeps happening and it doesn’t stop. Is that good? I don’t know. I don’t know anymore, but I’m writing. I’m getting something done, and if I can do this I can keep applying for jobs and finishing off a bunch of things. I can keep going, and I hope to keep going. Just need to keep on driving forward and pushing on and all of those things.

Ah, I did it again. Still need to use up some words, but I don’t know which ones to spend.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 06:48:69

Real struggle, this one. Should’ve forced myself down a different train of thought.

Written at work.

Posted in Life | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Radiowar: Exchange

Posted on April 10, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

One listen.

Let go a little with this one. Led to some more repetition than I’d have liked, but this writing feels very… organic, in a sense. I mean, all my writing does to some extent, but this one especially so.

Radiowar’s “Exchange” is from For Everlasting Peace: 25 Years of Mega Man, a tribute album celebrating 25 years of Mega Man games. The song is an interpretation of Akira Kaida’s (海田明里) “Boundless Network” from Mega Man Battle Network, which I wrote about here.

I hope you enjoy.

—

Light percussion in a silent space, but soon the space fills with reverbed possibility. It comes in waves, or perhaps stretched pulses, and the beat picks up, becomes more striking and yet remains relaxed.

There’s something soundless about this, and seems futuristic in a sense. It seems forward looking. And soon there is no sound, though brief silence broken by some beeps, like something coming alive. Something being discovered, and opportunity arising.

The release of white noise, and something crackles. The beat returns and that crackling remains low. It’s a low static, rustling, and those beeps remain, and something else starts coming forward. It seems calm itself, as all of this does, and it seems sleek and smooth, and perhaps powerful.

The beat picks up, as does everything else just about, and all the sounds remain reverberant. Something is being born, and it’s wonderful. It’s all just wonderful.

Te beat pulls away, the sounds heave and slide in shapes, and they form structure through repetition. They form familiarity. They form shape with the space between as the foundation. They reinforce it when the percussion returns, and it’s a lively moment, but it remains relaxed. It remains futuristic, and it shifts to something else once progress is needed.

It’s minimal once more, with something in the distance spreading out, and something drops into it and it spreads out further. It ripples in silk smoothness, and those beeps are there. They are here, and sounds pull away, but the future is here. The wonder of possibility is here, and it’s calm, but it’s exciting, and it remains as such when the song ends.

Posted in Music | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Yoko Shimomura: Treasured Memories

Posted on April 10, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

One listen.

I’m not sure what I wrote here. I mean, I can read it and I know what I wrote, but I’m not “sure” of it, if that makes sense.

Yoko Shimomura’s (下村陽子) “Treasured Memories” is from Kingdom Hearts Original Soundtrack, the soundtrack for Kingdom Hearts. It’s also from (among many other releases), Kingdom Hearts Original Soundtrack COMPLETE.

I hope you enjoy

—

Lingering keys above strings, and they are gentle and comforting. They move and dip and rise, slow, let themselves linger briefly, draw out and waft and rise. They rise and rise, and yet remain where they are, looking to touch something and reflect.

The sounds reflect and stay gentle, and they lift forward what matters most in the moment, and what they feel should most be held onto. There is something that they are presenting, but they present without force. They carry sentimentality upon them, and stay focused on their gentle pattern as they fade out and the song ends.

Posted in Music | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

One Thousand Word Challenge 215: Today’s Writing on Trying to Create

Posted on April 10, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

Alright, so what now? What do I write now that I’m already tapped out for this morning? I was considering crapping on about music, but I feel an urge to churn out more words about nothing, knowing that it’s a great risk to my mental state at the moment. I was thinking about doing the healthier option and instead I chose filth. I chose pain.

But I’m choosing it as an easy option, or rather a familiar option, because doing this is what I currently know. I’m trying to let go, but that’s hard, but I am trying. I am hoping. I don’t know what the fuck is going on at the moment and everything is in turmoil, but I’m still alive and I’m still trying to survive so… there’s always a chance for things to improve.

For now, however, it’s spinning the wheels trying to find the ground whilst the car incessantly flips without actually hitting anything. A car crash in slow motion, though the crash has passed and the car is still moving. Need it to land on its wheels, need everyone to be okay, and need to make sure that I come out of it and keep on going once the damage has been assessed. Need to improve and all that.

Well, that was pretty dramatic.

I think that writing is probably the best thing I’m best at, as evidenced by this sentence alone. But really, I am a stronger writer than I am drawer, musician and photographer, and perhaps it is why I don’t have an issue with dropping photography. Writing does not make me feel alive in the same way that music does, but I am better at it. I am better at putting words together in a way that makes sense than I am at creating sound and combining it in a way that makes sense. Sometimes that’s just the way things go, really. But I do love music, and I don’t know if I could ever let it go. There’s too much if it to explore out there, and it’s all rich and fertile land, and there’s so many ideas that I have that I desire to work on and create, and do all of those things. You know how it is.

I also know how it is.

So with that said, why do I write the way I write? How is it that I’ve come to a space where how I write is the way I write, and I feel that this is the most acceptable way of writing? Actually, now that I think about it I know. It’s in part due to the process of picking the pen back up after the previous ex dumped me. It came through from there, and I eventually decided that rambling was the way to go.

I look at the stuff that I write that I edit, and that’s always much better. That has more to say with less words (*sometimes) and gets things across that aren’t just “Yeah I’ve said this before and I’m saying it again”. That’s something that I can be happy about, I guess. Or rather, I can be content with, even if I’m not satisfied with the work that I produce after a few days of sharing it.

I think about writing a lot, and I think about processes. I think about how the wheels are spinning and the car is off the ground, and I’m wondering if I’ll actually be able to find any success one day. I don’t know, and I’m worried. Maybe I should drop writing. Maybe I should just drop everything that I love and find something else. Success shouldn’t be the pursuit, but it’d be nice to have. It’d be nice to not have to worry about where money is coming from, but them’s the breaks and perhaps I’ll be pumping them one day. I don’t know.

Maybe I should just publish a book. Write the greatest crap thing that has ever been written. Wonder how far that would get me. Probably not very far. But maybe. The main issue is, whilst it would be sincere, it probably would come off as cynical and then beyond that, I’d be aiming to intentionally write crap. The best crap comes form a place of legitimate desire to create something honest; with heart, and even if it’s being enjoyed  despite the intent, I can respect that because someone tried. Maybe a team tried, and they failed, but they made something genuine. They made something with heart, and that goes a long way.

So sometimes I enjoy bad works, but I don’t enjoy them when they feel cynical. I don’t enjoy them when they feel designed to be bad. Of course some of those kinds of works can be pretty good; sometimes they have heart, but it’s not the same as having a group of people who tried to make something good and failed, due to whatever reasons. I have respect for works that tried and failed, though of course that also depends on the intent of the work. Some intend to be hateful, and that’s not my cup of tea, to be honest.

So I’m not sure if I could make an intentionally bad work that was enjoyable, but I also know that I’m not certain I could make a good work. Certainly could try, however. What’s the worst that happens? I don’t succeed.

Really though, it’d be nice to have some success with my writing, and that doesn’t happen, but I still love writing. I love the process, even when it’s frustrating and I love getting words together in an order that says something about something. I also love the meaningless and perhaps I revel in it far too much, but there’s not always telling with these sorts of things.

Well, I’ve a few more words to consume. Thought I’d have ended it already, but I was wrong.

So… yeah. That’s today’s writing on trying to create.

The time it took to write one thousand words: 12:55:95

Decent speed. Sort of meandered a bit, went here and there. It’s a bit of a compressed journey this one, I think.

Written at work.

Posted in Life | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Five-Hundred Word Challenge 1481: Didn’t Pan Out

Posted on April 10, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

Alright, so yesterday’s plan didn’t pan out, and that’s mostly due to being absolutely wrecked by the time I got home. I’m mentioning it now, even though I’m not writing about it for the rest of this rambling because I feel like I have to, for some reason.

Trying again today.

Could give up and stop writing, but trying again today. Trying to power through. Going to see if I can achieve what I set out to do yesterday. If I do, I’ll write about it. If I don’t, I will try again tomorrow. However, I need to try and make sure there’s differentiation among all the things and that sort of thing. So maybe it won’t happen and maybe it will. I can certainly put barriers up, but I also need to be able to take them down, or rather I need to be willing to take them down.

I wonder how  many people have read this space. I wonder as to how many lives have come and gone over the years. It’s not necessarily something worth thinking about too much, but I do. I think about it and I think about everything and nothing. I wonder if anyone who has read any of the crap I’ve written has gotten something for the better out of all of it. Don’t know, but I can certainly try.

Things are approaching fast, and I’m not talking about the potential homelessness this time. I’m talking about a particular day where I’m going to announce a particular thing, and I don’t have much of it planned out, but it will reveal itself over time… or something. You get the idea.

So despite my feeling like shit at the moment, I have at least some exciting things coming up, and that’s pretty good. There is some sadness among it, and definitely some hesitation and anxiety, but this will be a good thing for me, and will also add to an increasingly overwhelming sense of relief.

It’s also going to push me into a highly productive period of time and there’s a good chance I’ll burn out by the end of it, but there are goals and targets and all those things and It’ll be good for me in the end.

So… yeah. What else do I have to say? What else can I say right now? I mean, there are plenty of things of course, but there’s always plenty of things. There’s rarely an end to what can be said and done, even if someone repeats themselves over and over for what seems like an eternity. Just need to get off the track at some point and go from there. If unable to, then see if the track can be redirected so other things start coming in.

I feel like shit at the moment, but there’s a lot of wonder out there. There’s plenty of life left to live, and I’m trying to get back to living it. It just might take some time.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 06:15:34

Not what I was expecting, to be honest. Bit of stretching, but I’ve hinted at something big coming, or rather small, or big in a small way, and so on, and I think that came across clearly enough.

Written at work.

Posted in Life | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

One Thousand Word Challenge 214: Wednesday Rambling

Posted on April 9, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

Setting myself a goal today. Not how I wanted to start this bit of writing, but am starting it by announcing this. Not going to say what the goal is, but if I’m successful, the results will be visible here.

It’s good to set goals and targets, of course, but I’m wondering if I’m doing it because I want to, or if I’m doing it because I’m trying to avoid pain and hurt. A lot of things I wonder all the time, and being dumped hasn’t changed that. Has changed what I’m wondering about though, of course. Why wouldn’t it?

So… here we are. Here I am. As is a regularity at the moment, sitting in a quiet room. Sitting in a space where silence rules, but there’s background noise, but it’s distant. Sitting in a space where I’m alone, and feeling no more and less than I recently have been. I’ll survive. I’m fine with being alone. I can tolerate it. I don’t mind.

Waiting to hear back about two jobs. One buys me more freedom, and the other buys me more time. Very close to the edge and I really don’t like it. Still, I have to keep on going. Have to keep on trying and pushing on. Maybe success will be sooner, rather than later. I don’t know. I do know that there will be a lot of hard drives coming up if I don’t have a job within the next few weeks, but that’s the way it has to be, sometimes. Sometimes there is no choice, so I keep on driving. I keep on going.

Of course, if I do have to go, it is another opportunity. I have one stop in mind that I’d make as I make my way south, into another state, to have some comfort. It’s a spot I’ve wanted to visit for a number of years and have never gotten around to doing so, so if I have the chance, I’m going to take the chance. What else am I going to do?

I think that this might be the most difficult time of my life so far, and I’m hoping it’s just the most difficult time of my life, ever. I’m hoping that things don’t continue to get worse. OF course it’s easy to say that things will get better eventually, but there’s a lot of relying on other people to make decisions that help you survive and succeed. You can influence and work to turn things around as much as you like, but you still rely on other people. I think that that’s something interesting. It’s not something we think about much; we are willing to assume that our own success is our own, or related to a group of people who supported us. We often aren’t willing to think about how much of our success relies on people we don’t know.

Currently, I’m relying on people I don’t know. My friends have supported me and it has been great, but they can’t ensure I get another job. They can’t guarantee my safety and comfort, and that’s fine by me. They’ve helped me out immensely, and that’s great. I’m forever appreciative of it.

I’m not appreciative of being kicked by my ex instead of them supporting me when I need them the most. That’s a bitter and angry thing to say, I know, but I think about the relationship, and – not ignoring the issues I caused – I think about how much I put into it in regards to support, and how much of it has not been returned. I think about the good times, and I have difficulty remembering them, and maybe that’s in part due to realising just how tired and burned out I was before getting dumped. I don’t know if I want to hope for a change in the situation, because it’d require a lot of work on both our parts, but it’d would especially require a lot of change on her end, and from my view, it seems that I’m handling getting dumped better than she’s handling dumping me.

I don’t know if I want her in my life ever again, because so much of the relationship required me to bring things up and cross bridges, and I don’t know if I can be with someone who met me halfway far less than I feel they should have.

Right now I’m single, and I’m sitting in a quiet room, and I feel like shit and it sucks. It sucks that I’m quite possibly going to be homeless soon. It sucks that I don’t know what’s happening in a few weeks. I’m tired, but I’m not tired as I was in February, or the start of March, or January, or the way I have been for a few years now. I’m not tired in the way that I have been which has hampered my ability to do much of anything, and that’s in part due to my not giving so much of myself to someone who I felt wasn’t reciprocating anywhere near as much. But that’s only the way I view it. I don’t know how she sees it, and I don’t know if she has accepted how her actions have impacted me.

I do feel awful for my causing issues in the relationship, because she was hurt. I know things can be worked on, but she doesn’t want to, and so now I face driving off into comfort and continuing uncertainty. I’ll stop off at that one location I want to stop off at, and I’ll go to the sea, too. I’ll go and I’ll stop and I’ll look. I’ll reflect, and think about what lies ahead. I’ll keep on searching and exploring, and maybe I’ll come out okay.

To be honest, I’m scared. All that well-wishing stuff isn’t helpful. But I have no choice but to keep going, because, for me, giving up right now won’t help. Only pressing on will provide a chance.

The time it took to write one thousand words: 14:49:50

Decent speed, and mostly pretty flowy. Was getting into reflection here, I guess. Perhaps more bitterness than I’d have liked to have expressed. It’s a really tough time.

Written at work.

Posted in Life | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Himuro Yoshiteru: I Wanted a New Life

Posted on April 9, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

One listen.

I had ideas going into this one, and I’m not sure if I properly realised them. That’s fine, however, as I still capture the song, or at least was getting to a point where I was getting across something about it quite well.

Himuro Yoshiteru’s “I Wanted a New Life” is from The Sea You Never Know. The release was part of Ian Urbina’s The Outlaw Ocean project, which has attracted some controversy.

Interestingly enough, when I was going through the releases, having found out that Senyawa had contributed to the project, I’d noticed that Ian Urbina’s name was listed on most, if not all of them. I began to suspect some issues and was considering writing about it in full (I tried to hint about them, or at least attract attention to them here). Decided not to. Then Pitchfork wrote about the project. They stole my thoughts!

Anyway, I hope you enjoy.

—

It’s the sound of water. It’s the sound of waves. Lapping at something, rolling gently, as synth comes in carrying upon it destination and hope. Looping and a ring, then a voice comes in. It talks about experience and is rendered dramatic, and yet it is quite matter-of-fact.

Sounds go, that ringing continues with some others, then waves return, and movement. Suddenly the song comes into fuller view.

Percussion strikes away whilst ringing and keys move around it, being passed on by. It’s steady, dramatic, and forward moving.

A shift where the sounds seem to move in waves themselves, almost back-and-forth with determination. They pull back, allow more space. Soon the beat picks back up, or at least feels like it does whilst various sounds here and there flicker and flutter, and it’s tense and dangerous.

There’s a conclusion as beat pulls away, minimises, and the violence and danger is gone, but the conclusion is unclear. Voice returns, speaks a passage, and then water washes it all away and the song ends.

Posted in Music | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Yoko Shimomura: Dearly Beloved

Posted on April 9, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

Two listens for this one.

A rather iconic piece of music, especially for a particular age group that was into gaming in the early aughts. Certainly iconic to me, too. Tried to avoid that, and I think I did. Tried to get across the emotive aspect, and kind of didn’t.

Yoko Shimomura’s (下村陽子) “Dearly Beloved” is from Kingdom Hearts Original Soundtrack, the soundtrack for Kingdom Hearts. It’s also from (among many other releases), Kingdom Hearts Original Soundtrack COMPLETE.

I hope you enjoy.

—

Keys ringing out peacefully, emotively. They play on gentle steps, a flicker here and there. Underneath something almost choral rises with, and more keys play with space, touching brief moments of memory whilst supporting and expanding upon the main melody.

There’s hope in this, and something magical, perhaps, but there’s also something sad. Maybe wistful, maybe longing. Maybe about what is lost as one moves forward. It is difficult to tell. But it carries familiarity and comfort, and it seems to look for something poignant.

There’s minimalism at play, and fragility, and it all rings out into space, and gradually it fades out, but it continues to linger after the song ends.

Posted in Music | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Long Trails

Posted on April 9, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

This photo was taken around the same time as these two. Somewhat similar to the former, and very similar to the latter. However, I feel it offers enough to feel different, as it feels like it sits roughly between in terms of taking elements from both.

Was taken before the other two though.

I think that what comes through here are themes of loneliness among companionship, isolation, space, quiet. A sense of the journey to somewhere, or perhaps just moving because it’s all that can be done. Emptiness, or perhaps feeling everything in an overwhelming space.

This is my submission into Leanne Cole‘s “Monochrome Madness” for this week. The next one is hosted by Dawn of The Day After, and she has chosen the theme of “Spring Time”.

This challenge is open to all, and I recommend joining in. If want to, check out more information about it here, and include the tag “monochrome-madness” when you share your photo. If you’d prefer not to join in, then at the least check out Leanne’s photography, and what other people submit.

I hope you enjoy.

Posted in Photography | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments