Stupidity Hole

Yesterday afternoon I received a call from my mum. I didn’t pick it up as I was expecting it to be a tirade of abuse.

She left a message advising that she had found out about the break up. I then started panicking.

This was followed by an exchange of messages between her and I, with me asking repeatedly for her to leave my ex and I alone and her continual refusal.

At this stage I was panicking much harder as I was worried that my mum would send a long tirade of abuse to my ex and that would be the end of the contact we had going.

During this time, I found out one of my friends had told my mum. I confronted them about it and after a while they told me they had because they cared about me and that my mum kept hassling them. They told my mum despite me explicitly telling them not to as it’s a bad idea.

That’s now someone I can’t trust anynore.

Now you may have worked out at this point that I am not fond of my mum. Same with my dad, but that’s another story.

Generally what happens is we get in contact, talk for a few months before she decides to percieve something, anything as being against her. She then goes at length to verbally abuse me and then we don’t talk for a few years.

Whilst we are talking, it’s like being in a minefield without a detector. I have to watch everything I say because it could result in her yelling at me. I can’t make any form of criticism, no matter how minor because it will result in an angry tirade of abuse. I am generally put in a position where I feel pressured into explaining why I’ve made a decision or said something because if I don’t, it results in a lengthy guilt trip.

The result is that I end up becoming overly stressed and panic for days on end whilst closing off from those close to me, affwcting them in a negative way.

This might seem like it’s me complaining about my mother as a son. However, I can say from an observational perspective that my mother is an incredibly aggressive person who, at random, percieves anything as being against her.

She’s done this to a few of my friends as well. They generally only get passive-aggressive treatment though.

I’ve been an adult for a few years now. I don’t need this kind of crap in my life.

I think she is this way because she refuses to deal with her own problems. I could be wrong, but I really don’t want to find out.

Anyway, I had no idea what to do. I couldn’t shake the feeling my mum was going to go off at my ex for no reason, causing contact to cease, despite my asking her to leave us alone. I felt powerless to do anything and stopped thinking properly.

Luckily I was able to finish work at the ten hour mark instead of the full twelve. That gave me some minor breathing space.

Eventually I resigned myself to the probability that I wouldn’t be able to speak to my ex again and started sliding into a terrible mood.

It took me talking to four friends to calm me down.

Naa copped the brunt of my panic,  unfortunately.

She reminded me that it wasn’t my fault my friend told my mum or that my mum behaves the way she does and stopped me from going too far down the negative thought path about the situation.

However, I can’t help but feel a bit ashamed my mother is my mother and that I trusted someone who has contact with her.

I’m hoping to be able to speak with my ex again and have more odd, whimsical conversations. I know I’ve said it before, but they have been really enjoyable.

I’m also going to work on preventing my mum from getting involved in my life and the lives of anyone else I know. It’s unfair on everyone else if I don’t.

I also doubt I’ll be speaking to my friend again. At least not for a long time. If I can’t trust them to not talk to my mum about me, I’m not sure if I can trust them with anything.

And thank you again Naa, for having to put up with me in a state of panic. I know dealing with me can be a pain in the ass at the best of times. I really appreciate it.