The third Post for Today

My marathon shift may be ending early.
That’s good.
I’m currently working on resigning myself to a fate involving a metaphorical steamroller.
That’s bad.

I’ll explain tomorrow.

I was going to write more but instead I’ll put a picture up again. This time it’s of me wearing a Hawaiian shirt at work on a Friday, the only day we’re allowed to wear them now.

Pardon the sudden dark mood. I’m really not feeling it right now, so Hopefully you enjoy this bad picture of me.

And in case you were wondering, I do not gel my hair. It gets fluffy at this length.

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Godflesh: Decline & Fall Review

Way back in the ancient year of 2010, Godflesh reunited for what looked to be a one-off performance at Hellfest. I remember being quite excited about this and planned to save money so I could travel and see them. However, this did not come to fruition and I became a bit upset that I was going to miss this opportunity. From there, they decided to perform more shows, gradually picking up momentum and reminding many as to why they were a band worth giving attention.

A short time after the first few reunion shows, it was announced that Broadrick and Green had been discussing a possible new album. Then in 2012, Broadrick confirmed that a new album was being worked on and that there probably would be an EP beforehand.

From there, if I remember correctly, the EP wasn’t mentioned again until about two months ago, when it was quite suddenly announced, accompanied by a stream of the first track.

I imagine that a lot of people, including myself, were quite apprehensive about the possibility of anything new would being good, mostly due to how Godflesh ended, the work that Broadrick had done since that point and Green’s disappearance from music.

Further adding to the issue (for me) was their last album, Hymns. Whilst I enjoyed it a lot, it wasn’t strong material and required more work. However, I felt it had one of the greatest tracks ever written that pervaded a sense of finality. It was the hidden track at the end of “Jesu”. For me, it was the ultimate closer to a strong career, so when it was announced that there would be new material down the track, I had mixed feelings. I wanted to hear something new but at the same time, I didn’t think that what they did could live up to the expectations I had, considering how I felt about the hidden track.

Last year they put out their first piece of new material, a cover of “F.O.D” by Slaughter. Hearing it made me feel a fair bit more optimistic about the duos ability to put out something that would be a good addition to their catalogue, so when I found out that the new EP was being released, I found myself looking forward to it more than I’d like to admit.

Decline & Fall starts softly for a few seconds before hitting hard in the opening track, “Ringer”, announcing the duos return. From there, the songs do not let up. They are mostly relentless in their assault, pummelling away with a force not expected from people of their age.

All the familiar elements are there; the pounding drums, dissonant guitar, thick bass and the clean/harsh vocals all sit together quite well, never being out of step with each other, continually working to benefit the song instead of stepping out of place to take the spotlight and sounding like a cohesive mix of their previous releases.

However, whilst sounds from all previous eras of Godflesh can be heard, the songs (aside from “Ringer, the most straightforward track) seem to take more influence from hip hop than anything else. It’s mostly audible in the drum patterns as they have a certain bounce in them that is more common to hip hop than heavier genres. This is most obvious in “Dogbite” which could have easily fit on Songs of Love and Hate.

Also, the guitar is, whilst just as bleak sounding as it usually was during Godflesh’s first run, feels much more dense and thick. This can be attributed both to the use of an 8-string guitar as well as Broadricks playing style gradually evolving over time. He is much more riff-oriented here than he has been in the past.

To hear Green’s bass again after such a long time is incredibly relieving. Godflesh would not be what they are if it wasn’t for his style. His crunching, driving sound is just as present as Broadrick’s guitar and he keeps a strong groove throughout the songs to such a great extent that I can’t help but wonder if everything was written for Green to play and then everything was built around him.

Vocally and lyrically it is Godflesh of old. Broadrick uses clean and harsh only when it is appropriate, never over-indulging. His vocals are still quite strong, sounding quite similar to how he was during Hymns. The lyrics are still cryptic. However, they seem to be a bit more direct than they used to be.

I don’t know what else I can say about how it sounds. This is really just a massive, roundabout way of saying that it sounds good. It’s brutal, crushing and heavy due to the sum of its parts as opposed to being for the sake of being able to. It’s quite clear that they have put work into this.

Whilst it might not win over any new fans, it does sound like a step in the right direction and is most certainly a good Godglesh release.

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Salsa and some Other Things

On Tuesday night I went to do salsa.

I’m still doing parkour and yoga and enjoying both.
This happened to be something that was on.

I went with Anna (Ewes partner) and Si, mainly because it was Anna’s suggestion. Ewe was going to come along but then he didn’t as he was tired. I joked that Anna would be dancing with other men but he didn’t bite.

I always knew I was unable to dance and salsa helped to reinforce that.

It started with a guy showing us what to do. I did my best impression of a plank with legs.

Eventually I started to get the hang of things and it became easier. I did retain a lot of my wooden movements though and I’m fine with that.

Once we had the moves, we moved to dancing with others, where awkward yet interesting conversations were had and all dance moves were forgotten.

Made new friends as well. I think.

I might continue it. I’ve been told it’s a fantastic way to get fit. It’s also relatively close to home and free.

What I really enjoyed was that it was dancing and rhythmic and good use of the body.

I know that it’s basic stuff, but the way a body can do things impresses me.

I’ve not slept well this week. I keep waking up after five to six hours of sleep and remain awake. It’s not been fun. I don’t know why either. My mind hasn’t been overly rampant. I’ve not been overly stressed this week either.

To say I’m tired would be accurate, so that’s what I’ll say.

I’m tired.

It’s going to make today fun. Twelve hours of work. The money will be worth it. I’ll be able to get a fair bit of writing done as well.

Although instead of writing, I’ll probably twiddle my thumbs the whole time, slowly freaking out until I start running around the office in just my underpants, screaming unintelligibly whilst birds nest in my armpit hair.

Now that’s something to strive for!

So I somehow did not stuff conversing with my ex up. That makes me happier, although It’s clear I’m not trying hard enough. Maybe I should talk in great detail abput my bodily functions.

Maybe not.

I think it’s my psychic nose. Not only is it psychic; it also produces a soothing aroma that increases the radius of the zen aura that one has when they talk to me. It will soon be bottled and available at your nearest retailer of any kind of product.

Jokes aside, I am glad I haven’t totally stuffed up.

Today I’m going to try and get two or three more posts up. I mostly want to challenge myself because if I can get a lot out in quick succession, then I can finish writing draft lyrics for the demo Fe and I are almost done with.

I also want to have a review I started about a month ago out because it means I can work on other things without it present in the background.

Today is going to be fun.

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Dullsday

Yesterday morning I saw a guy rollerblading along a road usually used by many buses.

My mother tried to get back into my life a few days ago. Roughly four hours after this, she sent me a long message trying to make me feel bad.

I don’t talk to either of my parents for good reasons. However, that’s for another day.

Still talking to my ex. It’s still silly talk but I’m happy with that. It still feels restrained but that’s okay. I don’t expect full on serious conversation and I am enjoying the conversation far more than I’d like to admit as it’s one of the best conversations I’ve had in a while.

Although last night I’m pretty sure I stuffed up again.

The conversation did get serious for a brief period and it seemed as though my ex was a bit down, so I sent her a hug. I thought it was the right thing to do because hugs can make people feel a lot better, but now I think it was the wrong thing to do as communication ceased immediately after.

Maybe I’m reading too much into it but I can’t shake the feeling I’ve managed to ruin something I’ve been enjoying again and I’m not feeling great anymore.

What’s wrong with me? Why do I do things like this?

I know it doesn’t seem like a big thing but for me it is.

I’m enjoying the communication so very much and instead of saying just how much I’m enjoying it or not saying anything at all, I don’t and say it was weird because it felt a bit weird to me, despite it being something I was completely appreciative of regardless.

Then I make a gesture that whilst I did because I wanted to help in some way, was most likely too inappropriate at this stage.

Seriously. What is wrong with me?

I do want to tell her how I feel and all the other stuff and then do the cry and cry and cry thing but that is something I definitely will not do.

It’s not about suppressing my emotions.
It’s that I know it is the wrong thing to do. It would only serve to push my ex further away and I don’t want to do that.

I’m so grateful for her talking to me on any level, so why would I want to ruin that?

Funnily enough, I may have already.

If she asked, I guess I would tell her.

If she didn’t and conversing continued, I’d be happy.

I’d be happy either way, so long as I can keep talking to her.

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Problem 12: Insert Paranoid Reference here

I’m a paranoid guy.
You’ve probably figured that out by reading a good chunk of what I write.

I haven’t always been as paranoid as I am these days.

What happened?

I have no idea.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a bit of paranoia. I believe it can be healthy.

I do believe there is a problem when you’re questioning almost every interaction or lack thereof.

It does not lead to healthy thought patterns.

Nor does it lead to healthy actions.

I’m trying to think of a joke to make about paranoia here, but either my humour (it does indeed exist) is failing me or so many have been made at this stage that the imprint in the ground of the horse is being flogged.

I’ve managed to work myself into something resembling mania over not knowing if I’d be fired, increasing my chances of being fired, funnily enough.

I’ve also questioned housemates motives from them spending a fair bit of time in their room.

I’ll check I have everything I need on my bag multiple times before I head to work.

Sometimes I’ll walk back to whichever door I exit out of in the morning to make sure I’ve locked it properly.

I have been known to turn back after going a fair distance to do this.

Admittedly these aren’t that bad. However, combined with my overactive mind, they (and many other things) become fairly problematic.

So how do I change this?

To be honest, I’m not entirely sure.

I’d like to believe that I need to actively apply rationality on my thoughts trust my actions more often than I do and eventually it’ll become second nature.

Realistically, I’m not sure if that will work, but I still think it’s worth a try.

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A Photo I Took

I’ve been meaning to upload a review and a few more of my problems but as they are all still being worked on, instead you all get this glorious photo I took on the 28th of last month.

I was training with one of my parkour buddies when it quite suddenly became overcast. The temperature dropped slightly and winds picked up so we decided to finish for the day.

I looked at the view from where we were (James Watkinson Reserve for those who want to know) and became somewhat disappointed I did not have my camera with me.

I made do with my phone and now you all get to view this amazing, revolutionary picture that will surely invoke the strongest of reactions.

What? I like it!

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Happiness on a Tuesday

It’s Tuesday. I’m tired enough to have seriously considered not going to work today. My left foot is hurting. I’m incredibly happy.

I am incredibly happy.

You may be asking why I am happy, although the chances are that you’re reading this because there’s nothing better currently.

Yesterday my ex responded to my message from the Saturday before last.
When I saw it, I think my heart paused for thought. I’m not sure.

Anyway, we messaged each other for a while and I was enjoying it more than I should have.

The whole conversation was weird though. It felt… weird. Odd. I had enough weird conversations last week and I wasn’t entirely in the mood for another.

It seemed so restrained on both sides, but that’s probably me reading too much into it (surprising, I know).

It made my day far more than I thought possible. However, instead of expressing that, all I told my ex was that the conversation was weird.

It was at that moment when I felt my foot lodge itself firmly in my mouth because whilst I wasn’t necessarily up for weirdness, I didn’t mind and was so elated that this was happening that I probably could’ve done something stupid and not cared.

But instead I decided the best course of action was to point out that it was a weird conversation.

Never mind my being a weird person in general.

Now I’m worrying myself over whether I should say something now or later or some time down the track about how I enjoyed talking despite what I pointed out.

I am still happy it happened though.

It certainly is a Tuesday.

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I Still Miss Her

I’m trying hard to keep it together and continue on with life. Really hard.

In the morning when I wake up I still expect my ex to be there, but she isn’t and I then I feel sad. Why am I still thinking it will be any different?

I tried contacting her on Saturday before her work start time and she didn’t answer, so I sent a message. She hasn’t responded.

I wanted to see how she was doing but I’m guessing she’s not going to let me know.

Why am I feeling so down from this?
Why am I now feeling unsure of what I’m going to do from here on?

I don’t know if I regret falling in love with her or not. Part of me really wishes I didn’t and thinks it has been one of the worst decisions I’ve ever made.

Everything I used to enjoy now feels slightly off. I don’t get any real enjoyment out playing instruments anymore, something that used to feel natural to me. Seeing films used to be an event. Now it feels like a chore. Socialising feels more like an obligation whereas before it was something to look forward to.

So many things I have are a reminder of her but I can’t get rid of most of them because they’re things I need. I also am  really fond of them.

With that being said, so far those three years have been the best of my life.

I felt like the luckiest man alive.

She was someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I was certain I was going to.

She was someone I wanted to make as happy as I possibly could.

She always knew how to make me happy.

She was the reason I went to and from work with a smile.

There were certainty tough times but I still value what we had highly.

I miss her so much and I’m barely coping.

I know I don’t need her in my life. I’m functioning fine without her.

Am I?

I don’t know.

I want to hold her so tightly and laugh and be stupid and see her smile again.

Her smile was so fucking beautiful to me. It made her so much more irresistible than I already felt she was.

She has no obligation to talk to me; even on a friendship level. I really wish she would though because I still want her in my life in some capacity.

At the same time I ask myself why I keep waiting and holding out and hoping that I’m given the slightest of chances to show my worth. Why?

Because I love her.

Why am I even posting this? What if she reads this? The possibility is making me paranoid because I don’t want her to see this but I’ve whored myself out already so what’s the point in stopping?

All I want to do is tell her how much she means to me and how I was stupid and that I can be a much better partner and that I can make her happy and just cry and cry because I’m a hopeless idiot who is only good at fucking up and letting the people I love and want to make happy and grow with walk out of my life and she’d hold me and she’d stroke my hair and she’d tell me it’s all right. That it’s all okay.

But I don’t think it’s going to happen and it’s killing me.

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Explaining the Previous Post

So the first scene after the title shows a whale in the ocean enjoing itself. This quickly cuts to a shot where there is nothing.

We then see the whale with a tear rolling down its face. This is because it has come across the location where there is nothing. It has become saddened by this.

The whale then resolves to solve the issue at hand. It launches out of the water with great velocity.

We see the whale moving further from the water, accelerating enough to have energy visibly showing around it.

We then see the whale floating over nothing, in position to complete the task it set itself.

Now whilst conversing with Naa, I found out that whale milk has been described as having a toothpaste-like consistency which ended up with me coming to the natural conclusion that whales dispense toothpaste from their nipples.

So what we see next is the whale dropping toothpaste from itself.

We then witness the descent of the toothpaste until it comes into contact with nothing, creating a unison that becomes the land known as Sweden.

The sun shines brightly as the whale looks on, satisfied that it has accomplished what it set out to do and knowing that the future is now secure.

And yes; Sweden is whale milk.

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How Sweden was Invented

So I had a conversation with Naa last night that focused mainly on whale milk. Whilst it was partially factual,  a lot of what was said could be described as off-kilter.

It led to me creating the following story that could quite possibly be my magnum opus for this month.

It is stupid.

An explanation shall be posted tomorrow.

ENJOY!

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