Flummoxed by nothing at the moment, so I must take a step forward and volunteer myself to do something that I have done before. It is something that I have done many a time but I don’t know if it will work this time, let alone last time or the time after this time in when I inevitably, ineffably do the same thing once more. There is no escape. It is all on a loop caught i0n a tape deck that somehow rewinds itself as it moves forward. Must have four loops, or whatever they’re called, all daisy-chained together so as to make it all keep on rotating and going, or however it goes. There is no other side other than the side that is the other side to the side on which I’m currently stuck, but of course seeing as this has no end there is no reaching the other side. It’s smooth the whole way around. Someone don’t cut the tape as eventually I will escape somehow. Probably not today and probably not tomorrow. Probably not ever, but I will find a way out and then on that day of being out there will be the glory of the victorious. Will not feel very victorious, but sometimes that is the way things are and that is my hand to hold and accept.
This is of course assuming that the whole thing is a slog; a slog of the more variety, which is probably what I intend to make the whole thing out to be unless I get bored or something. There is every possibility that it won’t be. There is the chance that instead of a war of attrition I’ll just be able to bide my time and then step out and then it will feel more celebratory as I will have the energy to do the celebrating and all of that stuff that comes with the process of celebrating, or something. I don’t really know, but I will know at the time and once I know at the time I will be able to make my move and step out and be free from this loop of which I am currently stepping forward to volunteer myself to perpetuate even though I don’t want to perpetuate it as I don’t want to do so and would rather do something else. Don’t know if that will happen, but as always there is only one way to find out.
So of course that knowing all of this, I could always just refuse to continue on with the state of things. I could choose to not step forward. However, this song and dance has been going on for so long that I know not another way. Refusal seems like a thing that just isn’t a possibility other than a vague dream that could lead to something else. It’s not that it requires bravery to do so; to not step forward and break the chain now instead of later at some hopeful point in the future. It’s that it just doesn’t seem like something that is doable. Of course it is and I’m just not doing it, but after so many loops and so many repetitions there is only so much you can consider at a given time of the day, so that is the way that things go sometimes.
However, maybe now is the time. I know of this thought and I know of this idea. It has aligned with the act of stepping forward, so perhaps I could pull my step back. Perhaps instead of moving forward I can reverse. Perhaps that reversing can come after the step of going forward. I can retract my volunteering. I can break through no when I know that I won’t have fought a lengthy battle, or have had to wait it out until the time is right. Maybe this is the right time to take action. But then what? What will happen once I have done so and I am no longer beholden to the task of which I am endlessly doing and without a shred of feeling flummoxed by the fact that I am endlessly doing the same thing without any concern or questioning?
Could the whole thing rearrange itself as though what I have done does not matter at all? Could it be that no matter what I do I have to keep on waiting and the reality will shift so that what I think I have done that breaks the whole looping sequence is really just a part of the sequence as there is jo true escape at all?
What if it shakes the whole thing off and nothing bad happens at all and things just allow me an out and then I walk out and then I am away from the whole thing and there is no turning back as there was no need to turn back or question anything at all? What if that is indeed the whole thing in its entirety?
What if then that leads to some series of successes and thus I am finally free from the restraints of which I use to hold myself back intentionally and then go on to gain even more success and thus finally find some sort of meeting point where contentment and happiness finally agree and walk off in unison and then I get on with living my life and do other things and see the world and gain experience and just learn to humble myself and do all the other things and continue all of the working hard rather than the hardly working and then other things come my way and I grapple with them with confidence in my ability to learn and gain insight into the world?
To be honest, I don’t know as to what I would do. These all seem like great things, but at the end of the day it is all a dream, so for now I must continue engaging with this loop.
The time it took to write one thousand words: 09:55:00
Mostly free from the grasp of my recent headache and this is the first thing I write.
Written at home.