Why am I doing this? Why am I doing this to myself after I decided to not do another one? It was never meant to be a repeated challenge, and the last time I did it I felt that became quite apparent as it’s not something that quite works for me. Now I’m doing it whilst my injuries are flaring up and that makes it even tougher, but I am doing it for some reason.
Maybe I have lost my marbles.
There is a cup of TEA sitting in front of me and I want to drink it, but now, I have to do this first. I’ve decided that this would be a good idea even though I know very well that it is not a good idea. I’m hurting myself for some reason. I’m challenging myself when I want to write a little slower and a little more methodically. For some reason… no. Instead let’s just put myself up against the wall and see what comes forward. Let’s see if I can write this many words within this time constraint. Let’s see. Good idea. Good idea all around. Really patting myself on the back for this one.
Has anyone poured holy water into the ocean?
So that was a thought I had and I decided that it’d be a good idea to note it down because… reasons, I guess. Probably didn’t need to be down, but now it is. Now I’m wondering why I decided. It seems like a good thread to run off but I’m running off my own energy right now. There are no threads that I can follow: everything must be followed linearly and so any digressions must be ignored.
Every now and then I’ll have to pause to see how many words I’ve churned out and see if that is sufficient to match the timer. I know I’ll be fine in the first ten minutes. I know I’ll do alright, but I also know that I’ll slow down later on and so… yeah. The joys of injuries.
I’m too tired. I’m actually not, but I am too tired for this. I’m too old and I’m too worn out. My joints hurt and I struggle to get the words down as it is, and now I’m just going into a free fall. But hey, that’s okay. I’m sure I’ll get the parachute out soon enough and then speed past the target and so in doing so, will get all the words out and then… yeah.
See, I’m already struggling. This is not good. Must choose shorter words. Can do more shorter than I can longer within this time constraint. Longer takes time; shorter does take less time. That’s not a sentence that one would consider well-phrased, but it is what it is and now I just need to keep on going. Need to make sure that I don’t slow down.
Need to get into proper posture and keep on churning away. Need to get everything down in whichever order makes the best sense. Need to get out of the house and get in some good air and enjoy some of the sun. Bit more light in here than there was earlier, but it’s still a dim room, but that’s okay right now. Suits the mood and suits the churning in the best way possible, maybe.
Feeling the pain in my wrist but still gong. Still charging forward. Refusing to stop because I’ve thrown myself into this and it’s still early, but I need to keep going. If I stop now I’ve wasted too many words and if I’ve done that, then I need to waste more. If I stop now, then who will see this glorious disaster?
Why? Why am I doing this to myself? There are so many other things I could be doing. I could be drawing and instead I’ve chosen to put more crap out there. I could drive to the coast and watch the waves. I could process photos. I could even go lie down and read until I fall asleep. I have so many options and yet, I choose the one that is least conducive to getting much of anything done. I’m not good at this being efficient thing, let me tell you.
I have no idea how many words I’ve written at this present moment and I know that having the TEA in front of me, sitting here, is not conducive to actually writing faster as I need to move my arms around it. The mug isn’t big, but it poses an issue and that is something that I need to deal with whilst I’m trying to force myself to write as fast as I possibly can, or rather faster than I usually do because I am a fool.
I am a fool and I keep hurting myself in ways that I know are not good for me and yet I keep on doing this. I keep on hurting myself. Why do I do this?
Well, I guess it’s all for entertainment or something, but this will definitely be the last time I do this. I can already feel the lesson has been learned through remembering and I’m still persisting, but that’s what happens when I don’t think enough about my actions. Dedicated myself to starting; dedicating myself to finishing. There. I must persist.
This is not living my life. This is not applying for jobs. This is many things but it is not what I need to be doing. That’s okay at the present moment, but it’s also not. Maybe I’ll win the lottery and not have to worry about money again. That would be a significant relief.
I can talk about that.
Sometimes I dream about winning a large sum of money. Sometimes it pops into my head and I dream, because I know if I did I could relax and I could cry. I could go traveling for a while and then I could come back and finish my studies. I know I could do all of these things and that would be great. It would be nice to be able to do that. But it won’t happen and I need to keep working hard in order to get anywhere. I need to be responsible and less stressed about everything too, but I still need to work hard. Haven’t been able to not, though I certainly have worked lazy plenty of times in my life. What are you going to do? Pretty sure everyone has lazy days at work. Mine are just there some of the time and sometimes all of the time. All waves and cycles and everything.
But I would like to win the lottery. I’d donate a lot of it as I don’t want anywhere near that large an amount of money, and I don’t trust myself to have that kind of money. I’d get a place to live and get a friend to look after it for a few years, and then I’d go traveling for a while. Go see things and think about life and think about how I am and who I am. You know, the introspection that everyone loves to do. Is it deep? I don’t know. Is it common? Yes. But that’s the way things go sometimes and you just get on with the getting on.
I’d see places I would never think to see, and maybe I’d document it all. I don’t know. I do know that I’d like to see many places, and spend a long time seeing them. I want to go live on Itsukushima for a while. Around a year, and I’d spend that year creating. I’d spend it doing things and creating and experiencing the island, seeing all that it has to offer. I’d get on with my life and then I’d come back and maybe I’d have changed in ways I could not perceive. That would be interesting. Or maybe it wouldn’t. I don’t know, but I do know it’d be a productive year because I wouldn’t have time to squander.
Then again, I certainly would spend time sitting on a bench, watching the day change. I’d look out and see what is in the world and maybe there’d be some laughter and joy. Maybe there wouldn’t. I don’t know, but it’d be nice to sit there with a sketchbook and draw the motion and movement of everything around me, and maybe change how I draw it based on the time of day. See if I could incorporate the colours through just one pencil. Don’t know. Certainly would like to try.
I’ve been drawing for years, but it has always been an occasionally-type thing. Wish it was far more often, but I don’t allow myself enough time to do so. Maybe I will now. I have more time now, so there’s no harm in trying. I’d like to sketch the world, and I’d like to sketch nothing. I’d like to see if I can create something that I know I can get behind that isn’t writing or music. I can with photography, of course, but there are other things that I want to try and create. There are other things that I want to experience and I don’t want to be denied those experiences any more.
I’m tired of the struggle and I’m tired of spinning wheels, but that’s what I’m good at doing. How do you force success? Can you? I don’t know. Maybe it is possible. I guess you can if you’re born into good fortune, but I wasn’t and that’s the lot that I have to deal with. That doesn’t mean I can’t be successful now. It just means that I’ve started lower on the mountain compared to other people, and they’re putting up fences so I need to try and take alternate paths and not close them off behind me, because that’s an incredibly shit thing to do to other people. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
I want to draw the sky and clouds, and I have a lot of things on my list that I want to do in MS Paint. Should get to that this year. Hopefully, if I don’t end up homeless, I will be able to, and then I wll go from there. Success is never guaranteed, but trying and learning can be. Or rather, learning is, but you never know what you’re going to learn from something.
So I’m near the end of this. I have less than three minutes left and I’m still going. My wrist isn’t hurting as much anymore. I consider that A good thing, but is it? I don’t know. I do know that I need to keep on charging because I’m slowing down and that’s what I don’t want to do. So long as I keep the pace up, I should be okay.
Why did I decide to do this? It has not been a good idea, but in a sense it has. This has been good exercise, at the very least. I consider that a good thing, but I can feel that I’m slipping quite a lot and so I just need to hope that I get to the end. I don’t want to fail this. I’ve failed plenty of other things in my life. Just let me eke out this tiny victory this time around and let me have this, life. Let me have the one time I try in this particular moment to be a victory. Let it rake in the millions and show people that I am indeed worth throwing money behind, somehow.
Last minute just about and still going. Not giving up at the present moment. Nearly there. I can do this. It was a bad idea but I’m nearly there and I know I can get to the end, and if I do, I can rest for a few minutes before I go into the next thing. We’ll see what happens next.
19:27:92
I had to fix up a few words after finishing, and especially so toward the end as my injured wrist was giving up and, subsequently so was the hand attached to it.
So near the end I remembered why I decided to do this. I’m trying to produce a certain amount of words every day until the end to see what comes forward. This wasn’t a good way to go about it. However, I think that the part about enjoying drawing is nice. It was nice that it came through all of this.
Stupidity Hole 