A Long Short Weekend

Posted on March 24, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

I picked up a friend from a band rehearsal, took some shots. Then we headed off to the mountains, where he lives. This was Friday night.

It was an easy drive, and I’m pretty happy about that as I was not driving well. But we got there; we got to his, went to sleep.

Woke up in the morning far too early. Wanted to read, but couldn’t. When my friend woke up, we hung out in his kitchen for a few hours, talked about music. Talked about life, those sorts of things. Trying to work out where everything lies and all that. Trying to work out what to do about my impending homelessness.

Eventually left his, went to buy some bread, then made my way to Bathurst. I was crashing at Ewe and Anna’s on Saturday night, planned to help them with some house work. Helped tear up the carpet, albeit slowly. Didn’t actually do much. Hung out with both of them. Took carpet to the tip. Went back. Hung out with Ewe, gave him the full rundown of what has happened. Watched a movie that was perhaps too long for what it was doing. Went to sleep.

Woke up yesterday morning, went to the park with Ewe and his dog. Went and got coffee, went back to the place, hung out a bit. Drove back home.

Stopped a few times on the way. There was a particular lookout I wanted to stop at and did, and I stopped there and sort of blanked out. It was too cloudy and rainy to see much of anything, but I wouldn’t have seen it anyway. Just staring into space, feeling fucked. Considered jumping. Didn’t. Drove on. Took some photos.

Eventually got home after another stop. Talked more with my now ex-partner. There are problems, sure. Lots of problems. There are lots of good times too, but she doesn’t want to work on it. I have to respect that. I have to move on. But at the same time, as much as it hurts, I’d rather do so. I want to be with her, but I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to work on it, and I don’t want to be her friend, either. Because it has felt like there’s been a lack of care for a long time, and I feel as though there hasn’t been work going into the relationship for a long time either. And then dumping someone whilst they’re trying to find another job so they don’t end up unemployed isn’t cool. But of course these things never happen at the perfect time, anyway.

It’s amazing how much my friends have been supporting me through all this, and it’s great. At the same time, it’s upsetting because I feel like my partner hasn’t been by my side for a long time. But I’ve been supporting her through her troubles, as recently as a few weeks ago, and I’ve been there. And I can’t be friends with her, because, despite all the good times, how can I be friends with someone who I feel doesn’t have my back?

Problems on both sides. I’ve caused my own fair share of strife. This is someone who is upset about how much it’s hurting me, but also doesn’t feel anything for me anymore. Emotions are complex, I get it. I get that there’s still care there. I get, and know that feelings change. I can’t make her want to be in a relationship with me. I can’t make her want to try work through it all, but I also can’t be expected to remain in someone’s life because they want to try friendship.

The whole thing is upsetting. It’s horribly upsetting, but I’ll get over it eventually. I still have my friends. I’m grateful for that. I might soon be homeless, but I’m grateful for my friends.

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Vague Notion of Memory

Posted on March 23, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

Not a good photo, but I like it.
Not as in focus as I would have liked, and a lot of noise. The original form of this was much darker. But this, I like. It feels faded, in a sense. It feels like it’s viewed like a memory with the distance of time.

I hope you  enjoy.

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Quiet Morning at a Field

Posted on March 22, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

During the week and on a day when I was walking to work from where I’d parked, I came across this space. I’ve walked past it plenty of times, but on this particular morning something grabbed me about the sky and the light of it all. Took a photo, then perhaps went a bit too hard on the processing. Happy with the result, however.

This is my submission into Leanne Cole‘s “Monochrome Madness” for this week. This one is hosted by Leanne, and she has chosen the theme of “One Image Cropped 3 Ways”.

This challenge is open to all, and I recommend joining in. If want to, check out more information about it here, and include the tag “monochrome-madness” when you share your photo. If you’d prefer not to join in, then at the least check out Leanne’s photography, and what other people submit.

I hope you enjoy.

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Five-Hundred Word Challenge 1467: More Misery

Posted on March 21, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

Sitting here among wreckage and ruin and all that stuff, and the throes of emotion and all the shit that comes with it. Trying to stay afloat. Getting close to the point where that will be it and that will be all, and then with no money I need to try and get all my stuff to another state for a room I can crash in for a couple of weeks. It’s a rough time.

I’m trying to apply for jobs, but the energy just isn’t there. I don’t have the energy, and I feel I don’t have the time. I’m tired. I’m drained. I’m living with someone who doesn’t want to be with me and I can’t afford to move, and I’m really tired. I’m really over it all, and I don’t want to be doing this anymore.

Tonight I’ll be heading into The Blue Mountains, and possibly beyond. I don’t know what is going to happen other than a trip, and I hope it’s a decent one, but I don’t know. I don’t know if it will be. There’s probably going to be a lot of pain in it, but there’s only one way to find out. Should I be staying at home and applying for more jobs? Yes, but I also need to get out of Sydney and try and get some cleaner air, and feel it and feel better about stuff.

Well, maybe not feel better, but at least try and keep moving. Just have my thoughts and drive on, and get to where I feel I must, and all of those other things that sound good when you’re in that post-dump hurt.

Where do I go from here? What am I saying with this? I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t know how I’m going about doing it. I just want to have some stability. I don’t want to have to keep getting kicked down and getting back up. I don’t want to have people check out when I’m going through shit instead of being by my side. I don’t want to have to keep struggling, and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of this continuing going through it all. When do I get my turn to relax and fully enjoy life without having to keep one eye on my surroundings?

There were problems on both sides. Always are, really. And I probably am being too pushy about things. I don’t imagine that helps. But I’ve tried to discuss, and I ask about the issues on her end and she tells me, and I try to explain and understand and she asks if I’m trying to counter, and I’m not. But then I tell her about the issues on mine and she starts doing the same, and it’s clear, I feel, that she’s very against the idea of considering the other side, and there’s not much I can do about that. So I tried to talk and that’s that, really.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 08:43:45

More bad writing, and a bit slower than I hoped.

Written at work.

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Watery Surface Over a Rocky One

Posted on March 20, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

Long day. Here’s a photo of water moving over rock. A photo of history and lengths of time.

I hope you enjoy.

 

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Elephant Gym: Ocean in the Night

Posted on March 19, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

I’d heard this song once before today, when I first spun the album it’s from. Decided to give the album a listen again. Something in the song appealed to me. Decided to write about it.

Not sure if I captured it well, but I captured something about it.

Elephant Gym’s “Ocean in the Night” is from World. It features Hom Shenhao, and is the orchestra version of the song.

I hope you enjoy.

—

A pulse fades in with a percussive knock, and soon gentle guitar joins in. Vocals float and drift on over, peacefully. More percussion and other sounds come in. Percussion steady, and other sounds also drifting. Floating. Brass becomes apparent, coming through the light mixture of it all.

There’s seemingly a pause for thought, or reflection before everything starts rising. The vocals retain their calm, and perhaps so do the sounds. All is rising, but all is peaceful and expanding upon the moment.

It hits the peak, and guitar seems to strike out for a moment before coming back to a calmness and joining the returning sounds. A new percussive pattern of sorts and it’s all gentle and quiet, and peaceful. It carries peace and a drama, moving onward, possibly able to explode at any time, but refusing to do so. Refusing to chase that energy.

A section with a bit more of a playfulness as the sounds interact with each other in a different way than before. It seems almost as though they’re dancing around with each other, being a little silly, being light in a different way, and then they find a rest once more.

There’s that build that could’ve come before, and the song becomes big, and the vocals return, though they were here and there before, and the sounds are rising with energy, but remaining calm. Remaining low, watching the distance, watching the space, preferring to feel relaxed, in a sense, and perhaps a little wistful among the joy of experience.

Almost celebratory now. Almost finding that moment that perhaps was searched for, whether knowingly or not. Building, building but remaining calm. Sounds becoming textural, before reaching the moment they are fine to stop, stopping in a big rock way done small, and followed by the song ending.

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Five-Hundred Word Challenge 1466: More Post-dump Rambling

Posted on March 18, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

Of course everything is a mix right now and I have no idea what’s going on. My contract ending is getting close and I’m yet to get a job interview. Need to cast the net wide, all of those things.

Today writing feels a little easier. Maybe I can get through today. One day at a time, one step… all of those things. If I can do it, then I can do it and that’s great. But I need to keep going. Need to keep pushing through it all. Need to get an interview and land something before the end of next month, or I’m screwed.

Tough times. Getting dumped and needing to find a job. Kicked when down, all of those things. You get the idea. However, do I get the idea? Is there something to learn from all of this? Perhaps. Perhaps not. We’ll have to see.

I think that today is a nice day, or at least it seems like it will be a nice day. I don’t know if it will be though. It’s one of those days where I’m holding onto hope, but not expecting my desires to be fulfilled. It’s one of those waiting to see what happens-type days. But I’ll get through it.

Not much choice, really.

I want to talk about getting dumped, and I guess I am, but I also want to avoid a repeat of 2014. I don’t want to be that person again. Good times, bad times, but also chaotically intense times, and it wasn’t good for me, at the end of it all. When I say that, there was good growth to come out of that year, but I don’t want to be going on and on about issues and working on myself and those introspective thoughts that, admittedly, helped me get through it all, but vetting all of it wasn’t great. But we’ll see. We’ll have to see what happens. Maybe it’ll all become too much and I’ll go ahead and pour it all out.

The day is young and so is the hurt, and it does hurt, but I’m getting through it. Still a long way to go, of course. Could easily go south, but I already know I’m handling it better than the last time, so that’s a plus.

So I’m sitting here, patting myself on the back whilst missing my partner terribly, and hurting all sorts of hurt, but I’m respecting her decision. We’re still under the same roof, but we’re staying away from each other. I have hope that we’ll work on our issues and work toward being together, but I’m not expecting a guarantee. I’m not expecting her to turn around and agree. I just hope, and that’s all I can do.

In the interim, I need to keep on going. I need to keep working toward having a job, but it’s getting close and I might have to step back once more, but hopefully I don’t. Hopefully I can get something good.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 08:30:48

Still a bit slow. Or fast. I don’t know.
Things are getting a bit dicey, so I’m hoping a job comes through.
This is a combination I really could do without right now, to be honest.

Written at work.

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Five-Hundred Word Challenge 1465: Forcing Myself to Write Again

Posted on March 17, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

Right now I have to force myself to write. I have the desire, but I don’t want to, but I need to force myself. Tried to do so yesterday, in consuming heat. Couldn’t, but had to keep routine going so still got a photo up. Gotta write now, because if I don’t then I won’t keep applying for jobs. It’s a tough time to stick to routine, but I have to.

Other than the heat, let myself cry a little. That was the rest of the day gone. Have to keep going.

So I’m at work and I’m sitting here in the quiet, preparing to run around and get things set up and all that stuff. Preparing to throw myself into whatever may come, but I need to just push on a bit more. Just need to get to the end of the day and then go from there. Keep going, keep getting through it all. You know, all those things that keep me going. So long as I do, I’ll get through it.

To be clear, I’m not trying to run. I’m letting the hurt hurt, but I’m also recognising that I do not have the time to be unable to do anything. Once I have some stability back, then I can collapse and do nothing for a few weeks. Then I can cry, because at least I’ll have a job and I can still do that. I can still get through work and the need for shopping and everything else that’s key to survival, and I can do not much, if anything of anything else and rest. But for now it’s just letting the hurt hurt and pushing on to another job before my contract ends, and it’s doing my best to stick to routine to keep myself going.

All these things are tough, and writing this is also tough. I have the inclination to write, but I don’t want to. I have the need to keep working toward writing something good, and seeing where the mind leads and all of those things. I have the desire to paint the sky and the feel of wind, and how flowers smell in a young spring. I want to find ways of capturing the feeling of being inside during the rain, knowing that the smell of hot pavement and road rises, and how it seems to be awful and reassuring at the same time, but being away from it nonetheless. And all of those other things.

But it’s hard. I need to keep going and I will keep going, and I’ll force myself to write. I’ve been through worse. Definitely been through better, but I have an idea of what’s going on and I’m trying to make sense of it all, but more importantly I’m prioritising my need to keep going for the time being. I’m walking along a pathway and I’m gonna keep walking, and when I need to rest I’ll put down the seat and watch the stars.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 08:16:67

A bit slow and a bit more rambling than I’d like right now.
Also very much what I don’t want to be writing, but it’s what’s coming out from what I’m forcing, so it’s what is here.

Written at work.

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The Face is Behind

Posted on March 16, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

I took this photo a few weeks ago when I had to take a portrait of myself for something work-related. I’m fairly certain this was a test shot and I wasn’t going to do anything with it, but I decided to process it because I like how it looks.

This is my submission into the three hundred-and-fortieth Lens-Artists Photo Challenge. The theme for this one is “Portraits“.

I feel this photo works for the challenge in the sense that can function as a portrait obscured.

The host of the Lens-Artists challenges cycles weekly between the following people:

Tina

Patti

Ann-Christine aka Leya

John Steiner

Sofia Alves

Anne Sandler

Egídio

Ritva

This one is curated by Ritva. The next one is curated by Tina.

I recommend joining the community and participating in the challenges. They’re pretty straightforward, allow room for interpretation, and provide a good way to think about photography in general. If not, however, then at the very least you should check out what others submit to the challenges.

I hope you enjoy.

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Watery Archway

Posted on March 15, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

Going through photos to see what I could upload as things are still pretty raw at the moment. Came across this one. Lucky shot.

I hope you enjoy.

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