Once more I engage in racing the clock and I’m not certain as to why. I thought this would be a good idea but it seems that I had deceived myself and now I’m wondering as to how I go about things. I can’t slow down much but I can keep on going and that’s something that’s good to know, but I need to get this all done in under twenty minutes and there are a lot of words that I need to write in order to get there and so this is not the best way to go about doing things, I think.
That said, I think I will get over the wall and I’ll get to where I need to get to on =order to meet the challenge, but I can confirm that even this early in I’m al;ready dreading what I’ve set out to do.
There will be a lot of writing that happens throughout the rest of the day and in all that writing there will be discoveries. Maybe I will discover myself through all the words as somehow the words will break me down to my purest and most vulnerable and I will be forced to reckon with myself. I will be in a position where I have no choice but to accept that which is at the core of my being and I will need to work out what it all means. It will be tough and it will be arduous but I’m sure that, given enough time I will be able to deal with it all. Maybe I will even shed a few tears and in those tears there will be the purest form of expression. That expression will be held accountable to a high standard and I will face it all and then I will walk away and I will be changed by the experience. The experience will see me reshaped into someone else entirely, though I will fundamentally be the person I have always been and that’s fine.
Maybe it is not fine and really I’m just trying to trick myself into believing it will be fine and thus in assuming the conclusion I don’t need to go on the journey at all. I already know the result and so therefore I don’t need to do anything as anything that needs to be done has already been done sim0ply by my thinking about it and so therefore I can just sit here and be proud of my achievements even though I am yet to achieve anything. However, I digress.
When I set out for this particular challenge I thought it would be a good idea to push the generation of fiction. However, I forgot the terms that came about the two other times I’ve done this and so, in looking them up I found myself unable to work out how to proceed. Of course the best way to go ahead is to just write but I wasn’t sure and in being unsure I created the barrier that prevented me from going forward, but in being as tired as I am right now maybe that was a good thing as trying to churn out a significant amount of words in a strict time limit and having those words be based around fiction might not be the best thing right now.
With that being said, I can only wonder as to what would have come forward, if anything would have come forward at all. It could’ve been a pretty miserable time and it could’ve led to a lot of pointless stress and that is something I want to avoid more than I want to entertain. Still, I’m going at it now and even though this is not fiction, at least it is rolling forward quite easily, though now that I am thinking about that I’m finding myself stumbling a bit more than I’d like. Such is life, I suppose.
Being tired and writing is not the best way to go about things sometimes but sometimes it is and you get the idea. It is something that I do a lot of and maybe it suggests that I need to spend more time sleeping and looking after myself. Will I? Probably not, but it is something to think about and so in thinking about it it is something else I can pat myself on the back for and being self-congratulatory is something that I do quite enjoy so it is something that I’ll indulge in more often rather than less often as that is something that I want to do.
Now with that being said I have to admit that it is not the best way to go about things and so I need to start thinking about better ways of going about things. I need to look inward and work out what it is that I want to do with my writing. Do I want to grow? Do I want to start digging away at what makes me me? Do I just want to write and do I just want to write in a way that implies my ego is far greater than it actually is? I’m just not sure right now but I am sure that, at the very least I want to become a better writer and so that is something that I need to get to the core of, somehow.
I guess the only way that I can go about doing that is by going on a deep dig and really thinking about writing. Maybe I need to think about thinking about writing rather than just thinking about writing. Maybe there are a lot of things that I need to do and I need to work on what I can right now rather than thinking far into the future and going from there.
Maybe there are things that I need not worry about at all and really what I should be doing is trying to enjoy the fact that I’ve thrown myself into something that I don’t want to be doing only because I hadn’t thought properly about what I’d be doing. That’s on me though, so… yeah. Something something and so on and so forth and let’s just pretend the realisation is here.
I’ve become aware that I’m slowing down quite a lot and that’s not good. I need to get to the end of this and if I can get to the end of this, then hooray, I think. Well, I don’t need to get to the end of this. I just need to get something done, but I don’t even need to do that, really.
So now that I have that out of the way I can also admit that I don’t necessarily need to write fast as it’s more important to write well, but I’m not going to entertain that too much as really I just want to write fast and I don’t want to think too much about what it is that I’m writing, so long as I’m not writing hurtful shit. That’s what I definitely do not want to do. We’re here to learn and be better and look after reach other and a whole slew of things… or at least, those are things we can be here for. Life is too short to be a shitty person. We can do so much better and so that is what I want to do, but right now I just want to write fast and get a whole load of rambling out of the way. Once I’ve done that I can get other things done. Maybe I can do that bit of fiction writing that I wanted to do but did not get around to starting when I started this.
Really, in order to get any of this done I’m going to have to peel things away and get down to the core of what it is that I am and who I am. I’m going to have to face things and I’ll have to face them without flinching as there may be some horrible things inside that I want to hide from. Then again, maybe it will all be nice, but I will need to face it all. I will need to look at myself and really hurt from what it is that I am and then I can grow from there. Maybe all is fine and that will be what hurts the most, but of course that would be a good thing. However, I know that, regardless, I will be walking away from it all changed.
There will be no looking at things the same way anymore as there will be no way to look at things with a perspective I no longer have. I could of course try and guess how I would look at things had I remained the same, but I had not remained the same and so those will all be guesses. From there I will just have to deal with life the best way that I can and then go from there. Maybe it will be a furthering of the concept of the journey and maybe that will be a good thing. I don’t know. What I do know is that there will be plenty of space for learning and growing and changing, and I will need to embrace it all to the best of my ability.
If nothing else changes then I will be left floating along in a space I do not want to be in and so I will need to leave and truly embrace the concept of the journey. I might see things I’ve never seen before and I might experience experiences yet to be experienced.
I will think long and hard about things and eventually I will return once more and all will be things I do not recognise in the slightest and I’ll not be able to settle down and I’ll wander as to if it was always like this. I’ll think about if it has been the same and I have changed, or if it is the other way around, but the end result will be the same; I will leave for good and seek new places to settle down within, and then other things will happen, and all of this will have happened due to my breaking myself down into core components and having a good dig into them to see what is revealed.
I could also just try and learn to be a better writer, but of course that requires effort that I am unwilling to provide right now and so that won’t happen as there are other, more distracting things that I need to deal with before I can deal with those.
Anyway, I think this bit of rambling has gone on for far enough. In all of these words nothing has come forward and I know not how to proceed, but I keep on pretending that I do because I actually do but I’m pretending to not know and so this all becomes itself and in it becoming itself a new thing is borne and it too just looks for a place to sit as standing is tiring sometimes. Sometimes you don’t want to stand and you’d rather rest, but there is no time for rest until there is and so I don’t know where I’m going with this.
Alright, so with all of that being said I think I can proudly proclaim I’ve learned nothing and in learning nothing I’ve gained everything. I’ll hold everything close and I’ll work out what is truly important to me and then once I’ve done that I’ll go from there. Before then I need to think about which is the fastest way to get to the bathroom as I need to go, but that could take a lot of work and so I might not put that work in. Besides which, the fastest way to the bathroom is down the hall.
This was a rough run. I’m remembering why I only did this twice before today.