So I’m pretty sure that at one point I wasn’t going to do another one of these. It seemed a bit pointless, but today has been a long and heavy day and right now I just want to get something done. I want to put something down on paper and I don’t know if I want it to be too personal, or personal at all. I just want to write and I am exhausted by the day’s events. Still, I am going to do this and then there will be some more and then I will rest, for I need to rest and relax. It has been a long and heavy day full of drama, intensity and aggression, and I need a break from it and I will get that break.
The thing is, once the events in question ended (and I guess this goes for any situation really, or at least many situations), they didn’t truly end. They unfurled a lengthy tail of which I am only now walking past and seeing disappear into an implied horizon. It took a really long time and it was just taxing, but we’re here now and being here now is better than where I was before, so I guess I need to see this for what positives are coming this way. However, there’s just a lot of neutrality at the moment. There’s no feeling of happiness or joy or any of that; it’s just a wide flatness. It’s being drained and it’s all of those other things that I can say in order to describe what I do or do not feel right now, but I don’t even know if I have the energy to get into that.
I need a break and I need a rest, and perhaps not just the one that I’ll be taking very soon. I need to get away from things and I need a bit of time and all of those other things that I need.
I didn’t want to get personal with this, but this is all the preamble and so I need to say all of this so as to be able to prepare for the main topic. Now, I cannot reveal the main topic as of yet as revealing that would be telling and it is much better to build up and then once having reached the point of the right amount of building up, letting you know what it is and then discussing it from there as that way I get the thing out in a punchy manner, or something.
Look, I don’t actually know as to how these things work and I’m just making it up as I go along, but maybe that’s a good thing. It could also be a bad thing, but I’m going to pretend that right now it is a good thing as I’m fighting the fatigue that I should give attention to and I’m fighting to stay awake long enough to be able to finish this off. Still, it is a bit of a gargantuan task at the moment. It almost feels overwhelming. I don’t know if I will be able to get to the end, but of course I need to try if I am already this far in as there still are many words to go and perhaps I can turn this around and make sure that UI get to the end in one piece.
Well, I’ll get to the end in one piece regardless of what happens, but sometimes it feels like I won’t. Sometimes it feels like I’m clinging on and won’t make it, but of course I always do as that’s just what happens. When you spend enough time pouring out every word you can in order to write a lot of nonsense, you end up finding a way to get to the end of whatever it is that you’re writing. It doesn’t matter if it turns out poorly; you still do it and you still get there and at the end of it all you then have this thing that you’ll forget about as you do it so often that you don’t even pay too much attention to all the things you’ve written.
Perhaps that is a bad way of going about things, but that is indeed the way that I go about things here and so therefore I’ve probably said far, far too much. I now need to find a way to retract my steps and therefore hide the thing that I now need to hide, which is the saying of far, far too much. However, once a step is done, it cannot be undone. We can imply that it is outdone but it still existed in some way and so long as it remains remembered, or so long as it has an effect or has affected some things, then perhaps it still exists as a thing even though it has no necessary physical existence.
However, I’m not going to get into that at the moment as I’m running out of time and I need to hurry before I completely run out of time. There are things that need to be done and those things need their doing now so as to be able top have them done and now I’m getting back into old habits and I want to avoid old habits as I want to get this finished and then once I have this finished I want to rest.
Still feeling tired. Feeling drained. Feeling al of those things that I don’t want to feel, but sometimes they must be felt. sometimes you must feel things you don’t want to feel in order to progress through things. It is better to live a life full of ups and down than a life that is a constant. That being said, I feel like my life is currently a constant, or at least a series of constants that have no discernible beginning and end and therefore it all feels like it’s just one constant running thing that I can’t think of the name right now.
Jogging machine, or something. Anyway…
So I’m stuck on one of those and there’s no going anywhere.
It’s called a treadmill.
And I’m not going anywhere and in that not going anywhere I’m not progressing and it’s all a bit of a crisis and so on and so forth. I’m sure that I’ll feel better once I sleep, but of course sleep needs to come first. I need that so I can feel rested and once I feel rested I can get on with other things. However, tomorrow is another dense day of work and I need to get through it before I can go on with anything else. If I don’t, then I know not what it is that I’ll do other than keep on going. There are options of the other variety, of course, but perhaps they will not be explored in any meaningful way other than in the way that expresses them meaningfully. You know how it is.
Well, maybe I do, but as you can see I’m already struggling. However, this is past the point where I’m half of the way and so maybe I can make it. Maybe I can get to the end of this without writing about it any more than I am now and then if I can do that, then maybe I will get under the minute mark of twenty. It is possible, but I need to fight the fatigue.
I need to rest. I should stop writing. However, I won’t as I want to get to the end of this and then once I am at the end, that will be when I rest… after I do the other thing, of course. Then after that I will rest.
There still is time and so on and so forth and I think that this should have been done earlier in the day, but a lot of what I do should be done earlier in the day and all this delaying due to the unfortunate events of people being shitty for little, if any reason gets in the way of doing things. Therefore, I suggest that, if there is one thing out there that people shouldn’t do, it is be shitty.
It gets in the way of actually being good. Sure, you’re gonna be pissed off on the odd occasion, but don’t be shitty. Don’t burn the energy that you have on being shitty. There are other, far more important things out there that you can do with your time and being shitty just cuts into that. It gets in the way of things. It prevents you from not being shitty. Don’t do it. Be nice. Be kind. Be respectful where you can. Treat the planet in a loving and caring way. Treat those around you with respect. And so on and so forth.
I think that’s the best thing that I can muster at the moment. I just don’t think I have it in me to provide anything with something that is agreeable any more than that. Now, I’m sure that people will create their own definitions of being respectful in order to justify their shitty behaviour, but instead of doing that you could just… well, be respectful. Anyway…
So now that I’ve said the one thing that I will say that has any relevance this evening. I need to find a way to wrap this up in an efficient manner. That was the whole subject just above. That was the whole reason for this post; or, at least I’m pretending that that was the whole reason for this post. It was more just to spew wantonly, but I’m pretty sure that I’ve done a terrible job of that and so I’ll just keep on going as though most of this has been worth reading. Sure, maybe it has to some, but it really isn’t and at the end of the day it’s little else other than an egotistical endeavour, but sometimes that’s the way things are. I’m putting myself out here and even though I won’t get fame and fortune from this and I am keenly aware of that, I keep doing this as ultimately there is some ego in writing all of the words that I write and then publishing them out there, with “there” being here. I can’t deny that and even though I don’t think I’ll get anywhere, I have to admit that my ego is in part a driving force, or at least the ego that I have, or something.
I don’t intend to differentiate there as there is nothing to differentiate.
So anyway, now that I’ve said all of this I guess it is time for me to stop and relax as I feel the need to relax creeping up on me pretty quickly. This isn’t a problem and to be fair I felt the need earlier, but I have to admit that right now I really feel the need and so I am going to entertain that need as that is better than not entertaining said need. The music that I was listening top has ended and now all I hear are the sounds of the keyboard as I press against the keys with some sort of strength, and I hear some sounds outside. There are other sounds in here, but they are incidental, but then again, maybe all sounds are or something.
Look, there probably is something worth reading in all of this. There could be something profound. I don’t know. I’m not banking on any of that, but I did what I set out to do and that is something of which I can feel some sort of smug satisfaction from, for that is something that I did and now it is coming to an end and rapidly so, but sometimes that’s just the way things go. However, sometimes that isn’t quite the case.
Rest time, I think.
I did this again as I didn’t feel up to writing more than once so I decided to go for something big. Probably not a good reason, but… yeah.