From the Futon to the Run

Posted on May 17, 2014 by Stupidity Hole

I’m not a smoker. I love to smoke though. Well, sometimes anyway. So I guess that means I am a smoker.

Hmmm.

From the break up until last Sunday, my diet predominantly consisted of cigarettes, black tea and Weet-Bix. What can I say? I am a man of exquisite tastes. Now I know this goes against becoming a better person and trying for another chance, but when you’ve no appetite, you’re highly stressed, not sleeping much and somehow have enough energy to establish a small village, you don’t always make rational decisions regarding cigarettes and their uncanny ability to make you feel cooler than you actually are. Nor do you make rational decisions about putting all your Hawaiian shirts in a pile on the ground, hoping they’ll find their own wardrobe to sit in because you’re over their loudness and if they’re going to be loud they need to learn to take care of themselves.

Yes, I own Hawaiian shirts.
No, I do not see a problem with this.
Yes, I do not know what “fashion” is.

I smoked a lot over that brief period. There was one stage where I’m sure that there was so much smoke around me that if you dared to venture inside, you wouldn’t have found me and would have become lost yourself. Maybe you would have eventually found me. Maybe. You would’ve most likely found a hat with a note saying ‘on hiatus’.

By the Sunday just past, I had been sleeping on a pile of fold-out mattress, three roll out single mattresses and egg foam for a week (although the egg foam and one of the roll outs came a day after the mattress pile started). I still had hope and resolve to see my situation through and change, but I was also very bitter and angry. I was waiting to win a futon double bed/couch at the time; not because I hated the mattress pile, but because I really needed to get off the floor fast (I’ve also wanted to own a futon for a long time). The place I live in loves dust so much that it needs to be vacuumed frequently. I had borrowed the vacuum cleaner from Ewe’s house but as I was feeling fairly flat from preparing my ex’s stuff for her moving out, cleaning wasn’t on my mind much, aside from the kitchen, bathroom and backyard. So there was a lot of dust sitting on the carpet.

That combined with my experimental approach to being a healthy individual meant I was going to get sick fast. Had I become sick, I wouldn’t have been able to work and had I not worked I would not have been paid (I have no sick leave hours at the moment) and therefore no rent covered or food bought when I would eventually be hungry again.

Well, I won the futon after being outbid. I had to raise mine as I became so attached to the idea of owning this item that I refused to allow anyone else to win it. Luckily enough, no one else decided they wanted it more than me in the last 4 1/2 hours. But during that time I became quite paranoid and grieved a bit. To me, the futon had become a symbol of my ability to reach goals and if I didn’t win it, I would have failed before I could really take off. My whole being for those few hours revolved around the futon. I became the futon. As our existences aligned and our minds became one, I reached new levels of understanding I thought were previously unattainable. Everything was understood with clarity and the universe made sense.

Then I poured myself a pint of orange juice. But I digress.

So I won the futon and it was a massive relief. A lot of the anger and bitterness faded with the win and I was quite visibly stoked, unlike my usual responses of dull surprise to everything, despite how I’m actually feeling.

I had a few more smokes with Je that evening, somewhat as a celebratory thing, but my want to smoke was fading fast.

Come Monday after work, it was time to pick up my new, better place of rest. I don’t have a car but luckily enough Si was willing to help me pick it up.

We drove out to the place, picked it up and drove back home. Whilst this was happening, we had a very lengthy conversation about a variety of things I won’t go into detail about, but it was one of the best conversations I’ve ever had. It was a side of Si I never knew and although I already had respect for him, it increased more afterwards. It was a strong reminder that people have hidden depths and you shouldn’t expect to completely know someone.

That’s one of the exciting things about any form of relationship. Discovery.

When we got back, Ewe helped Si and I set up the futon. Thankfully, we didn’t have to do much and although we had trouble recalling some of the instructions we were told, the setup went as smooth as… a surface that is mostly smooth.

It was comfortable. Very comfortable. Still slept like crap though.

Come Tuesday, I went to uni in the morning (as I’m required to do) and found myself able to consume something other than my cereal without having to force myself. A bagel with cream cheese and a large cappuccino, to be specific. The cap was passable but the bagel was awesome. It didn’t matter too much though as I was more satisfied with the fact that I was eating something and not feeling like I was going to hurl.

After uni, I met up with Fe at my place and we finished up on the last two instrumental tracks of a demo we’ve been working on for a little over a year now. We also were able to whip up a quick track order to boot. Now we have to work on lyrics and the demo will be finished, ready to redo as proper tracks a little further down the road. It was a small victory for us, considering how much we’ve practiced some of the tracks and I’m quite satisfied with how it’s turning out. Still, we’re not going to rest on our laurels at this stage. There’s so much more for us to do.

When it reahed the evening, I went to join in on a Sydney harbour run. I had been invited by Drew (unfortunately he couldn’t make it) and one of his friends (Justo) was going, so I was fairly keen.

We met at Westfield at Pitt street mall and I broke the news to Justo. He was quite sad about it but he reminded me that I need to change for myself instead of others (to be fair, others had told me the same thing by this point).

Justo, myself and all the others then headed to Hyde park and warmed up a bit before starting. We then had the option to go with different groups at different speeds for two different courses.

The two courses were a 7km one and a 10km one. I can’t remember where the 7km one went. The 10km one went down to the ruins near Circular Quay, up onto the Cahill express way, across the Sydney Harbour Bridge, around the base, back across, through the Millers point and Barangaroo area, through Darling harbour, up to Pyrmont bridge and then back to Westfield.

I decided the 10km course was the sensible choice because I used to run a lot and although I hadn’t cycled for more than 30 minutes in a few weeks, I’d be fine. Besides, it was only 10km. Not that long. Easy done.

Well, apparently I have a really weird idea of what a reasonable thing to do is.

Up until the Sydney Harbour Bridge, everything was alright. I was a fair bit sweaty, but it had been a while since I did something close to this. The first half started to tire me out fast and my left foot started to weaken and hurt. I pushed on though.

Once we were going around the base of the bridge, I really began to suffer. Both my calves were beginning to hurt and my left shoulder was weakening as well. I started slowing a lot. Justo noticed my falling back so he waited for me to catch up before continuing.

Back on the bridge and my chest felt like there was a large cavity where my lungs should have been. I had briefly stopped running before getting on the bridge but by this stage I was having trouble getting back into a jog. My mind started going to dark places I was trying to fight off and even though I was telling myself I could do it, I was seriously doubting my ability to rise above my life’s current station.

I’d like to stop here for a moment to mention that whilst I’ve never been a strong person, I’ve always had more endurance than I probably should and my body has taken some physical abuse that should have at the least broken something but somehow I’ve managed to escape partially unscathed and aside from needing a few days recovery (and my foot, shlulder and knee), I end up fine. So whilst I am wholly aware I am not invincible and will eventually take a blow that will be very serious, my mind likes to see me completely determined to see something through when it comes to physical activity, despite how I am feeling.

I kept pushing on. Justo had waited for me again and started providing pointers. My chest and calves felt very much on fire but I kept pushing on. Eventually we got to the other side and we were able to have a quick breather whilst we waited for another to catch up. Then we kept going.

Eventually my chest stopped hurting as much but I was low on gas. I had to keep walking more often, but once I caught up with he rest of the group I left with, I was able to get back into a steady pace.

Once we reached Pyrmont bridge, I had to walk again. My chest was hurting again and my legs were hurting far too much. I was having a great deal of trouble keeping my left arm moving and I was ready to collapse. I didn’t want to go on any further. I was done. But my mind wouldn’t let me stop. Even though I felt stuffed and down on myself, my mind kept driving me and I picked up pace again.

Then traffic lights gave me enough time to breathe and I managed to muster enough energy to do the last 100-150 metres.

I made it.

Justo had raced ahead once we got to Darling Harbour and congratulated me on finishing, although I’m sure he was congratulating me on not having my calves explode in a fantastic manner. I felt wrecked, but I was also quite proud that I didn’t keel over and finished.

It tool roughly 48 minutes and 55 seconds at a pace of roughly a km every 4.88 minutes. I felt better after hearing that.

We got our stuff we left behind, did some cooldown stretches and headed off. I spoke to Justo a bit whilst we walked, then we parted ways.

The run was a real wake up call for me. The smoking and the mattress pile has so far been the lowest point of my life. I couldn’t continue on gradually spiraling down because it was damaging me far more than I was going to admit.

Sunday was my last smoke. I don’t want to smoke again. I’m done with it.

After saying bye to Justo, I walked the whole way home. All 2.4km. I’m stubborn like that.

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Problem 1: Comfort in Negative Land

Posted on May 16, 2014 by Stupidity Hole

And if only I was talking about camera film!

Once upon a time there was this guy who by some miraculous coincidence, had my name, height, voice, personality and devilishly handsome face. He was going through an unhealthy situation that, had he been mature enough to realise, he would’ve pulled hinself out of. Instead of that happening though, he let it get worse and he gradually became far more negative and pessimistic until he snapped and melted down, becoming a monster toward the other person in the situation. The other one was not exactly a good person themselves but just because you’re problematic doesn’t mean you need crap thrown in your face.

Anyway, they parted ways in life in quite a bad manner due to the meltdown the guy had. He was miserable for a while and although some of the bonds he had broke, many became much stronger. He also had new people come into his life at this stage, with one person in particular becoming one of the truest friends someone could ask for.

Eventually the guy met someone new and they begun to date. Eventually their relationship became serious and both the guy and his partner were very happy together. However, the guy ended up losing focus on working towards the relationship and moved away from having a balanced attitude and mired himself in the negativity and pessimism that he had in his life beforehand.

You know what happens next.

Negativity is by far and large my greatest problem. I haven’t always been so down on a lot of things and there are certainly others where my attitude has improved, but overall I’ve let myself slip and instead of getting back up, I’ve stayed. It is the main problem from which a lot of my other problems stem from.

Whilst I had been wallowing, people have come along to help me out and pull me from the rut I’ve firmly entrenched myself in; my ex obviously being one of them. However, I refused their help because I didn’t acknowledge my downturn.

Now people are willing to deal with someone being negative for a long time, but it does end at some point. If your friends and the person you love are worrying about you more than you think you should and drop hints (or directly tell you) that you’re not being you, it’s a a good idea to listen to them because if you don’t, you may end up losing far more than you can gain.

Now, as my negativity is the cause of a lot of my problems, it is one of the things I have to work on the longest. I think I said in one of the last three posts that I can at least get back to a healthy balance of positivity and negativity and that remains the goal. It’s where I function best and where people worry about me the least.

But how do I get there?

I’ve already begun to shift. I’ve started paying more attention to things said around my work place. There is a lot of negative stuff said here. Now that I’m making myself aware of it, it’s much easier to brush off. I’m also applying this to my life outside of work and, well,  it seems to be working.

When I start thinking negatively, I’m stopping the thought and trying to spin it in a more positive light. This one is much harder to do, but it is working.

With my music… that is going to be the hardest. I don’t have much music that is negative. I do listen to the negative stuff a lot though, so I’m going to have to cut a lot of it out or at least change my approach to listenng to it.

I don’t like how I have to force myself with this, but I am freely admitting that I have to do so to improve myself.

Being negative all the time is not for me. It never has been and I’m done with it.

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Why I put up a Lengthy Two-part Post that Reads like a Poorly Written, Overly Emotional Journal Entry  

Posted on May 15, 2014 by Stupidity Hole

I have some reasons.

The first and probably the most important one is that I really love to write.

There’s a strong feeling of satisfaction that I get when I write something, regardless of how poorly written it is. However, over the last six years I’ve allowed myself to slip into some form of writer’s block that has also affected my ability to work on music (something that started to break last year).

I started this blog because I wanted to start writing again at the time and whilst I had some ideas (and still do) that I wanted to work on, I wasn’t able to make them move beyond ideas.

I still have this strong urge to write though, so for the time being I’m going to write about my life. It’s not telling stupid, possibly humorous stories like I was hoping to be doing with far greater frequency. It’s also not writing reviews or bad poetry, two other things I was hoping to be putting up here (I used to write reviews a lot). But it’s a start and if I’m writing about something I’ll be able to write more of my stories/bad poetry/reviews.

The second reason is linked to the first in some way. As evidenced by the two-part post, I write poorly. Very poorly. I’ve never been a great writer but I did get better over time until i could write something close to a decent quality. However, as I have not done much writing over the last six years, I’ve gotten fairly bad again. If I’m writing about something, that gives me the opportunity to improve and become better again. Hopefully I become good, but it’s all baby steps at the moment.

Thirdly, it has a lot to do with catharsis. Now, don’t get me wrong. The support I’m receiving from my friends is immense and really helps me remain level-headed about my whole situation and what I want to do. I’m also quite grateful that they’re listening to my emotional outpouring as I imagine it gets a bit much at times. There’s nothing that can take away from the impact that they’re having on my life right now. However, I felt the last few weeks have been fairly intense to the point where I thought it would be a good idea to get them off my chest as much as possible which included throwing them into the mighty abyss that is the Internet. After I put up the posts I felt much lighter, so I guess it worked.

The fourth reason would be that I also think that writing about my life as it stands is going to help my self-improvement a lot. I do aim to keep a journal outside of this as well, but I do feel that putting my life out into public is helpful in some way. Mostly by being a lot more open than I usually am (I’m fairly closed off in areas I shouldn’t be) and really digging into my whole attitude and personality. Hopefully I’ll provide some entertaining stories amongst all the boring ones that will be put here.

Lastly, I’m kind of hoping that my ex reads what I put up. She knows I write, so she might still read stupidityhole on occasion. Maybe it will provide some laughs for her or even a smile or groan, but if she does end up reading this, I mostly hope it provides some insight on my thoughts and perception of the whole situation. On this reason, I’m not looking to achieve anything beyond that.

Now, I’m going to be posting a lot at first. Probably around once every day or two. Eventually this will slow down until I’m into a regular pattern of posting on Wednesdays and Sundays (something I stuck to before the writer’s block). At first I don’t think a lot of it will be happy and I imagine there may be some candid things that I put on here. Maybe the other things I want to write will come sooner rather than later, but I won’t know until I start churning it out, so for the time being I’ll be writing what I know. So please stick with me on the journey and hopefully you all get some laughs as well.

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Finding You part 2

Posted on May 14, 2014 by Stupidity Hole

At this point it had reached to the start of last week and my resolve started to falter. I was sleeping on a small pile of thin mattresses (the bed belonged to my ex) and I wanted to get out of the bedroom I was in so I could pay less rent so I wouldn’t be forced into a position of choosing between eating or having a roof over my head. Je wanted my room but so did our other housemate (Al). Al works long hours and doesn’t get to be home much unfortunately, so I was feeling a fair bit of pressure in regards to what was going to happen.

My ex’s mother was talking to me at this stage, advising me that she still wanted to be my friend. This was a gesture that I appreciated immensely but I wasn’t sure if it was token or not. Considering I had been a bit of a jerk-ass to her daughter, I was apprehensive.

Anyway, I called her on Tuesday and had a minor meltdown about the rent situation. I was at uni when this happened and I was waiting for the results of a mid-semester test that I was expecting to fail miserably so I was quite stressed. It was… not dashing to say the least.

Shortly after that conversation, I received my test results and did not fail as badly as I thought I was going to.This was a massive relief and left me feeling like a little bit of pressure had been removed from my shoulders.

When I got home I spoke to Na again. The conversation was a little less one-sided for a change.

However, I still recognised that I need a lot more work to change that aspect around.We talked a bit about my ex as well as Na herself and what she has to deal with at the moment.

It gave me a bit more resolve to persevere with what I’d set in front of myself.

A little later on I received a message from my ex’s mum advising that she had been thinking my ex had a duty of care regarding covering rent for a month and that she was going to speak to her about it.It was certainly a nice gesture, but I let her know that I didn’t think my ex should and I would work out the situation. We ended up talking on the phone a bit later on in the evening and I reiterated my stance. I told her my rent problem stemmed from the ability to swap rooms with Al so I could pay less rent. Al was in the small room of the house and I was in a larger one, which as far as I was aware he was happy to take. However, Je wanted to change rooms as well, so this is something that needed to be settled with them. The major problem that stems here is that because Al works longer hours and finishes later, it was not something we could organise immediately and if we weren’t able to sort it out quickly, I was going to be incredibly poor for a while. I reassured my ex’s mum that I was going to be fine and sort it out.

I also told her that she shouldn’t feel obligated to talk to me because she feels sorry for me, especially as I had treated her daughter poorly. She advised me that she wanted to still be my friend and also that she was going to be a bit of a mother to me, at least until I am back on my feet (the mother thing is a long story). I was pretty happy with that. It meant I could show her that I was worth being around and make it up to her (in my eyes), but I still did not believe it wasn’t anything other than she felt sorry for me.
Either way, it’s an opportunity I can work with.

Wednesday flew by for the most part. It was a standard work day. By the time I came home, I worked on some music then headed out again for my first parkour session.

Specifically, this was body conditioning.One of my ex’s friends (Drew) had invited me to come along and it was something I had been intending to do for a while so I jumped on the opportunity.

Admittedly it was hard. It had been a while since I did exercise beyond cycling and my shoulder, knee and foot didn’t help matters but I was able to pull through a bit in the end. This helped strengthen my resolve more and pull me a bit back from feeling miserable, but this didn’t last long and by the time I got home, whilst feeling alright with myself, I was on a down again, despite refusing to acknowledge it.
 
When I got home, I spoke to Je a bit. He had advised me that my ex asked him why I had told her mum that she should cover rent for a month. Please note that this is not quoted verbatim. I can’t remember the exact wording, but it was along those lines.I was taken aback by this, so I showed Je the messages exchanged with her mother, to which he then advised my ex that it was a miscommunication.

Now, my ex and her mother are very close. However, I thought that due to how long we’d been with each other, she would have a bit more trust in me than that. I imagine though that she has probably also been fairly stressed about the break up, but I doubt I’ll ever find out the truth.

You know how sometimes when you’re going through a tough time in some manner, usually romance related and you’ll come across a song you haven’t heard that hits you really hard with all the pain you’ve been feeling all at once, making you hurt really badly but at the same time comforting you and making you feel alright about the future and your position in life? Well, I came across that song.

On Thursdays I finish work early to go to uni. I hadn’t been able to focus since the break up (other than managing to get a few song ideas done), so I came home straight from work. I saw that Ewe and Si were home so I hung out with them for the rest of the afternoon. I had booked annual leave for the weekend, starting with Friday, to celebrate my 3 year anniversay with my ex as well as her birthday but for reasons somewhat within my control, that didn’t come to fruition, so I decided to instead spend the weekend cleaning and hopefully studying.

Anyway, whilst hanging out with them, we were listening to JJ. I heard a song on there by The Go-Betweens called Finding You.

Later that evening, I went to listen to the song on Youtube to hear it again but I could not locate it.

I decided to give a cover version by Ed Kuepper a go and… well… it hit. Really hard. It sent a lot of emotion through me all at once and I felt very pained by what I was going through. It made me feel very bitter about my situation and my inability to change things around instantly. I felt powerless to change my ex’s mind and have her at least sit down with me to talk things through and work things out. I didn’t feel strong enough in my ability to keep pushing on regardless of the odds and at least show her that I’m worth it, as well as her family and Na. But at the same time it gave me the drive to keep pushing on and see my situation through all the way. It made me fully embrace the idea of becoming a better person for myself more than anyone else. It made me really want to earn what I wanted to earn. And although it made me fully realise that there was probably no chance of being with my ex again, it made me decide that I had to keep on fighting regardless of the chances because I wanted to show her that I can make her happy in a relationship with me, despite how hard I would have to work to achieve that.

It’s now Wednesday and I’m going home from work before heading to my 2nd parkour session. I’ve begun letting go of a lot more negative things that I’ve let hold me back. Admittedly it is hard and I do think I have a bit of separation anxiety with what I’m dropping, but I can’t stop. I know I’m allowed to fall, but I need to make sure to get back up. I’ve noticed my attitude is changing a lot, mostly in minor ways but it’s happening.

Turning my thought processes away from sheer negativity is very difficult,  but if I can at least reach a balance between the positive and negative, that’s another small victory.

I haven’t spoken to my ex since the Monday after the break up and I’m not sure when I should attempt contact, but I’ll try again. I’ll keep it as civil as possible when it happens as there’s still a bunch of her stuff at the house. Enitrely small items, but they are still hers.

I feel I’ve been a heavy burden to my friends during this period as well. Especially to Si and Ewe. I’m glad they are supportive of my want to improve and try for another chance with my ex again and will help me become a better person, but I can’t help but feel I’m bogging them down with my crap at times. But the fact that not only them but my other friends are supportive and still my friends makes me feel so lucky to have them in my life.

To be honest, I’m very scared. There are a lot of hurdles I have to jump to even have the smallest chance of success and if I pull it off, I’m certain we’d have to start at the beginning again. But I’ve thought a lot about it and I’m done letting all the good things walk out of my life all the time. I may be young and foolish, but I truly believe my ex is the most amazing person I’ve ever had in my life. She made me happy with just a smile, no matter my mood. She gave me hope about my future. She’s done a lot for me. I have to show her that I can be a better man. I have to show her that I’m worth it. Even if I still fail at the end of the day, I still have to show her that.

I have to try.

I just have to.

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Finding You part 1

Posted on May 14, 2014 by Stupidity Hole

She broke up with me.
The woman I loved more than I ever thought I could broke up with me.
I did not take it well, to say the least.
I could’ve handled myself better, but instead I engaged in sarcasm, punched a wall and kicked over a bin.
She said she still cared about me and loved me, but she was no longer in love with me.
She also said that she still wanted to be a part of my life and still wanted to be my friend.
I refused.
What a stupid thing to do.

The following day I went out for ANZAC day with a housemate (we’ll call him Je) and a good friend (Ewe) as I really needed to get out of the house.
I ran into my ex’s cousin and her friend at a pub. We chatted throughout the day and they still want to be friends. That made me feel a bit better about the whole thing.
Towards the end of the day, Ewe told me things I need to stop doing, such as always sweating the small stuff. It was a fair call.

Two days later on a Sunday I called my ex and had a slight meltdown, begging her to reconsider and unintentionally making a statement that came across as heavy guilt tripping. It was a very bad move. I had started to come into the the persona of the man in pain at this stage. She said she didn’t think she could and the conversation ended shortly after. I was miserable. There was a person who was an integral part of my life suddenly removed and I felt I was completely powerless to do anything about it. Even though it was a completely stupid thought to entertain in this situation, especially considering my age, I did think about suicide. However, this was dropped quite quickly when I realised the futility of that path.

I also decided to cut myself off from Facebook for a while. This had less to do with the break up though and more something I had been considering for a fair while. Facebook doesn’t make me happy a lot of the time, so I figured it would be better to stop using it for a while. The break up helped me make the decision.

A bit later on that evening, another good friend of mine (Fe) came around. We had a long chat about what had happened. I was still denying a good part of my role in the whole breakdown of the relationship at this stage, mostly because I was feeling quite alright with Fe around. But when he was gone I started feeling pretty sad again.

That Monday I woke up very early in the morning and could not get back to sleep. My appetite had not been strong since the break up and it had become weaker at this stage.
I went to work feeling miserable, hoping that I could perk up there as I would be surrounded by people that are good at keeping my mind off the things that make me feel sad.
However, it did not work.

I had to head to uni later for a lecture. Whilst I was there, I decided that it would be better if I cut contact from another good friend of mine who had been consoling me (Na), as she has her own serious problems and I didn’t want to bog her down with my crap.

Later that night I called my ex again, apologising for all my bullshit and telling her that she had nothing to apologise for. I told her that I wished for another chance but I wasn’t going to ask her because I didn’t want her to feel like I was forcing her into the decision. It was at this point I started to realise that a fair bit of the reason the relationship broke down was on me. You know that whole cliché about taking things for granted and not realising what you have until it’s gone? Well, it’s easy to dismiss until that which you care about is no longer there. It was really hitting me hard at this stage. I had no idea what I was going to do now that the woman I loved was not by my side anymore.

I woke up really early that Tuesday. I tried to get back to sleep. However, my body had other ideas as to what would is a good time to be wide awake. Apparently around 4am is a great time to be active during a week of work and uni.
I tried getting back to sleep for a while. When this failed, I decided to start exercising. I didn’t have anything better to do. Outside of cycling, I hadn’t done much exercise for a while, mostly due to being unwilling to work with a bad knee, shoulder and foot. Normally this would still be the case. However, something snapped in me that morning.
After starting with some basic exercise, I decided to fight for the woman I love.

I then went for a jog whilst it was still dark. I realised that there were a lot of things I had to change about myself if I were to have a chance. Not so much who I am, but my general attitude as well as a strong negativity that I’ve carried with myself for too long.
When I got home, I still had time to kill (it was around 6am at this stage) so I decided to start sweeping the back yard; something that had not been done for a fair while.

Eventually, around 7:20 and against my own judgement,  I called my ex again. I told her that I was not going to ask for another chance and instead I was going to try and earn another chance. I told her that I did not know how but I did know where to start and that was with my negativity. I told her I was not expecting her to give me another chance and to just watch and see if I was worth giving another one. There was silence from her and when I asked why, she advised she was overwhelmed by what I said. She did agree to watch though. It was all I was going to ask. I had also decided to ask the same thing of Na as well as my ex’s family as I felt I had to show a lot of people I was capable of being a better person.

I spoke to Na later that day and apologised for telling her I was going to disappear for a while. I told her I was going to change for the better and be a better friend and show others that I’m going to be a better person and show my ex that I’m worth another chance. However, I did this for around 2 hours instead of letting Na talk in any capacity beyond a few sentences. Talking about me a lot is one of my major flaws and something that I’ve let get in the way of my friendship with Na, making it very one-sided. It’s something else I need to work on.

During that week I was able to apologise to most of my ex’s family for my behaviour as well. This is something I felt I had to do as even though I also care about them a lot, I’ve avoided being around them a lot more than I should have. This is due to my being horrible at time management and letting small stuff give me an excuse to procrastinate. I told them that I’m going to become a better person and asked them to watch and see if I am worth being around once I’ve become better.

Towards the end of the week, I started organising everything for my ex, as she was moving out on Sunday. I cleaned as much of her stuff as I could and made sure it was easier to move than had she gone in to do everything herself. Part of me is still looking for an excuse as to why I did this, but the reason is that I love her still. I had no obligation to do it and I’ll never know if she was grateful or not (not that it matters), but it at least made her life a bit easier. I also wrote a letter and kept it as civil as possible. I also tried to add a few laughs in as well so there wasn’t too much bad emotion. I also said that I would be honoured to be her friend as, even if I didn’t get another chance, I would at least be able to show her that I can be a good friend. I don’t think the letter was good in the end, but I do hope it was read. Maybe I’ll upload it here sometime.

I also started throwing things out that I had never really let go of. Things that didn’t bring back any good memories that I had no use for. I felt that it was time to let go of a lot of stuff as something I realised about myself is that whilst I would move on from pain in my life, I wouldn’t actually move on. It was a surface thing that I was trying to convince myself of whilst I still held on to a lot of negativity that I came across deeper inside of me. I realised that to change, I couldn’t keep holding onto this crap because not only was it affecting me, but also those around me.

When the move came, I went over to Ewe’s place and watched a film with him and one of his housemates (Si) whilst I waited for the move to be complete. Luckily Ewe lives next door to me (part of the reason why I moved to where I am), so it was much easier to tell when the moving was done.

We checked the house out once it was done. It was painful to see my ex’s stuff gone, but I knew it wasn’t going to be there forever. Si then took us for dumplings in China town. I was still hurting, but it felt really good to be eating with friends and talking nonsense so the emotions balanced out somewhat. They were good dumplings as well.

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My 22nd Birthday and Aaron’s 21st

Posted on February 17, 2014 by Stupidity Hole

Many moons ago, my 22nd birthday occurred with my friend’s 21st . Here is the story, as it is still fondly remembered by a few of my friends. I guess it might seem incredibly juvenile and/or stupid to many people and it probably is. Many who read this might find it boring as well, but it was one of the highlights of my life so far, being quite a defining moment in the bonds of friendship I have and I hope it is the same for the others that stuck it out with me to the end.

Early in the morning, I woke up to meet up with my friend Fabian in Liverpool.

When I arrived, he gave me a gift (Persona special edition). We then made our way to Bondi Junction for our food Mecca. At the time, we were consuming a fair bit of Oporto and had decided in advance to head out to Bondi to the original one on my birthday to both kick off the festivities as well as have some sort of spiritual taste experience. However, as my birthday approached, it became apparent that the Bondi one had closed, so we settled for Bondi Junction (we found out much later that there is still one in Bondi). It was good.

From there, Fabian and I went to Central station at around 1pm to meet up with three other friends (Jess, Rob and Kylie), so I could take them back to my place for a party I was having later that evening.
On the way home, we stopped at Burwood so they could get food. My housemate at the time happened to be in Burwood and being closer friends with Jess, Rob and Kylie, decided to hang out with them for a while, freeing Fabian and I from any further responsibility at that stage.

Fabian and I headed back home. Once we arrived, we started watching Zardoz. Part way through it, my friend Jose’ arrived at my place and joined us in the experience.

When it finished, Fabian, Jose’ and I got into a half-debate about what the film was about, lasting a lengthy period that included going to a Mcdonald’s to eat. Eventually, we decided that it was too open to interpretation, due to it being heavy on symbolism and being a train wreck whilst due to the budget being spent on drugs.

Jose’ headed back to my place after we finished eating, as my housemate was home by this stage with the others. Fabian and I made a quick stop at my mum’s place to grab a token gift (VB 6 pack) before heading back home to relax.

Shortly after, our friend Aaron arrived with one of his friends, Ashley.
We started drinking in my backyard as we now had a few people, although others had started earlier.
Aaron brought two cigars with him, one being for me. However, we held off as we thought it would be better to have them later in the night.

A bit further on into the evening, another friend of mine, Laura, made it to the party.
We tried jamming for a bit. Talked a lot. Had fun.

After sufficient drinking, Aaron and I had our Cubans. I have to admit, they did have a nice flavour. However, even though I was getting what I thought was plenty from it, Laura told me I needed to cut the cap off. She cut it off and gave the Cuban back to me, of which I resumed smoking. From there, I started feeling light headed. I stopped smoking it when there was a small bit left and gave it to Fabian. Shortly after (around midnight), I started to feel ill as I’m not used to cigars, so I went to lie down. I had a bucket near me as I did feel like throwing up as well. After a few minutes I fell asleep.

I woke up at around 2:30 A.M. Jose’, Laura and Ashley were leaving, so I said bye to them. My housemate, Jess and Rob had all gone to sleep. Fabian, Aaron and Kylie were still outside talking. Kylie went to sleep in my room shortly after (I had prepared space for her, Fabian and Aaron to sleep). I went to the toilet, then went back to lie down. Fabian and Aaron followed soon after.

Ten minutes later, out of the blue, Fabian said “Hey, I think my ass is showing”. No one could tell if it was or wasn’t as it was almost pitch black in my room. From there, we managed to get on the topic of sign language in the dark. We came up with our own film series, the first one called Signing in the Dark. There were others, like Signing in the Dark 8: Signing in the Dark, as well as Signing in the Dark 9: Signing in the Dark 2. There was also one that involved a blind person, to which Fabian responded, “But they’re not blind; they’re deaf.” He also asked me how a deaf person would sign without hands, to which I replied, stating that they’d use their stumps. Eventually, it was decided that they’d use their feet.

About an hour and a half later, after discussing our film series and Kylie hitting Aaron in the head many times (once including a bucket), Fabian said “Hey, I’ve just realised I have a beard”. This was somewhat surprising, as Fabian had a beard for a fair while before this sudden epiphany. He asked what we had to drink, to which I told him that we had water from the tap (We had other things but I was in the mood for lazy answers). Him, Aaron and I then traveled to the kitchen quietly as we had to pass through the living room (where Jess and Rob were asleep). When we got to the kitchen, we shut the door behind us. It was too dark to see anything, so Aaron and Fabian used their phones as lights. Then for no reason, the three of us had a kitchen rave for a few minutes. After doing so, instead of getting water, Fabian, Aaron and I headed back to my room. Before going in, I looked in my housemate’s room to see if she was awake or not. About 10 minutes before Fabian realising he had a beard, my housemate came into the room to ask us to be a bit quieter as she was trying to sleep. Anyway, when I went in to see if she still was awake, she wasn’t there. Because of our loudness, she went to go sleep in her car.

I asked if Aaron and Fabian wanted to go into my housemate’s room as we could be loud in there and not worry about waking others, as her room had a door and mine didn’t. We went in, switched on the light and realised there wasn’t enough room for the three of us at that moment. Then, Fabian came to another realisation, saying “Hey, I’ve just realised my pants are undone”. We decided to go to the MacDonald’s near my place for breakfast. We left my place at around 4:30 A.M to go there. I went in a bath robe and beanie, Aaron went with a bucket hat and Fabian went as himself.

We got there fairly quickly, ordered our food and sat down. Fabian asked “Hey, this might be a stupid question, but can you freeze salt water?”. Aaron and I, somewhat sleep-deprived at this stage started laughing. Fabian then went on to explain how you’d freeze the salt water, put it in a chicken, roast the chicken and then have salt on your chicken. He also explained that you’d do the same for chips. Aaron asked why you wouldn’t just put salt in a salt shaker and use that. Fabian advised us that doing that would be too complex. Aaron and I kept laughing whilst Fabian went into great detail about this. It was decided that the three of us would soon go to the beach with microscopes and use them to make sure we didn’t get sand in salt water we get to freeze. If anyone would ask us what we were doing, we would advise them that we were making sure there was no sand in our chicken.

Eventually, as the Sun started coming up, Fabian had to go home. We waited around at a bus stop near my place with him until the bus came to take him to Burwood station. Then Aaron and I headed back to my place and talked some more (until about 9 A.M). I went to bed after a bit and slept for an hour. Aaron tried sleeping after me. However, he was unable to.

We played Super Smash Bros. Brawl for a bit. Through this, we discovered possibly the most awesome anime name ever: Mega Bunny Light Fast.

It got around to 3pm, so Aaron and I started getting ready to go to the city for to celebrate Aaron’s st.
We left at 4pm. Once we got into the city (around 4:45 P.M), we headed to the City Hotel in the city (amazing, I know) to meet up with two of Aaron’s friends.

After about 2 hours, more of Aaron’s friends started showing up. We had some more drinks, then headed to Kelly’s in Newtown at around 10pm for more drinks. After a while Aaron said to Fabian, “I need to sit down”. Fabian advised him he already was.

Around 3:30am, Aaron, Fabian, Anthony (a friend of Aaron and I), Daniel (also a friend of Aaron and I) and I decided to go to Jose’s studio for a bit (as Jose’ worked in a huge studio at the time), as it was really close to where we were. After about ten minutes of being at Jose’s, Fabian and I decided to go back to the McDonald’s near my place as everyone was falling asleep but we were still functioning in some odd manner.

We got there a little bit after 4:20 A.M. Whilst we were in there ordering breakfast, there was this guy who was waiting for his meal, dancing around, totally out of it. It was truly a site to behold. We got our breakfast, then headed to my place and ate in the backyard, discussing the events of the night until one of our neighbours asked us to stop. Fabian and I started walking to the bus stop near my place. It was around 5:30 A.M at this point. We saw the dancing guy asleep near the bus stop as well. We checked the time for the next bus and it wasn’t for another 2 hours so Fabian decided to walk to Burwood station as it was only a 20 minute walk from my place. I walked part of the way with Fabian, talking more about life in general as we generally do after a fun night. Then we parted ways for the day.

When I came home, the many hours of being awake caught up with me, so I went to bed.

It was a good time and I’m glad it happened.

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I wish I had something to write about right now

Posted on February 5, 2014 by Stupidity Hole

I’m sitting here, relaxing before sleep time and trying to work out what I should write about. I’m not really sure. There are many ideas running through my head but I don’t know where to start.

There is certainly something I want to review, but this will mean I have to experience it again; something I am very hesitant about.

I’ve many stupid ideas but they are not well formed.
I also have many ideas that are a bit more serious. However, they too are not well formed.

Maybe I should write about axolotl politics.
Or about bikes.

Maybe I should go on a whimsical journey full of adventure and terror.

Stuff it. I’ll just take it easy tonight. Walking to the Serengeti it is then!

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Blue Cheese: The Defiance Factor

Posted on January 16, 2014 by Stupidity Hole

Some guy was walking along one day.
He was really hungry.
He was so hungry, that there appeared to be nothing that could satiate his hunger.
He tried many an object of desire.
He tried many an object of disgust.
Yet no matter how hard he searched, he was always unsuccessful.

One day, he was in the local inn, trying to enjoy a cognac, when he overheard a story at the table in the corner.
This story was in regards to a food that was overpowering, and quite.
He dashed over to the table, knocking everyone out of the way in his path so he could find out more.
He was told that it was the legendary blue cheese.
A location was provided.
He began to walk out when a brawl ensued.
The fighting was intense. It was brutal. There was violence.
Someone was flip kicked into the stratosphere.
The guy stepped out victorious.
His journey begun.

Many a week passed.
There was much peril and victory.
There was loss and gain.
Tears were shed.
The weeks became months, until one day.

The guy reached the location of the enigmatic blue cheese.
He took a step forward, when the person who was flip kicked into the stratosphere landed.
Another fight ensued.
Blows were traded and injuries were produced.

After much time fighting, it appeared that no one would be the victor, when the person who had previously been flip kicked into the stratosphere took a step with great misdirection and fell, only to be caught by the thrice octopus and taken to an undisclosed location.

The guy saw the blue cheese ahead of him.
He walked towards it and held it, when it suddenly smacked him in the face with overpowering power.
Another fight ensued.

It was more intense and brutal than anything this guy had experienced prior to this event.
No matter how hard he fought, the guy was continually overpowered.
The power of the blue cheese was gratuitous.

All seemed lost as the guy was lying in the dirt, covered in blood and receiving the beat down of a life time, when he managed to get a hand on the blue cheese and used the last of his might to launch it into space where it became the sun.
 

THE END.

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Help

Posted on January 10, 2014 by Stupidity Hole

I am falling through an imploding tunnel, enclosing upon me until there is no space left.
I rise from my position to find myself surrounded by a crowd enriched with societal retardation.
I run from my station and push through the crowd, breaking the planks underfoot whilst remaining aloft.
Eventually I feel pylons pass through me as stars call out my name, coercing me to move towards them.
I inch ever closer to them and see that which has been led by an eagle chasing a capybara in a playful display.
A grassy knoll meets my feet whilst a glacier meets my enemy.
We engage in frivolous dancing around a half-eaten plane and proceed to walk through each other.
I swim out to a forgotten sandwich as it fulfils desires unknown.
I stand up and look in the mirror.
A bear appears behind me and walks away.
I run back to the knoll and face my enemy.
We approach each other.
I feel free and cathartic.
I feel as though a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I am able to stand again.
Help.
I am a Watermelon.

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Missing People

Posted on December 13, 2013 by Stupidity Hole

Who remembers Myspace?A little while ago I checked it out and saw that it had been updated so, as is the customary way of doing things, I promptly dismissed it.

Anyway, a few hours ago I decided to go back on and see if anyone I knew was still in my friends list, along with checking out the MSN Messenger/Skype combo. Mainly to scour the contacts to see who I could add on Facebook. This follows on from returning to a forum I used to post on all the time.

Well, nostalgia sure didn’t make me feel good.
Apart from not being able to contact most of these people or locate the ones I tried to find on Facebook, I found myself suddenly missing the past. A lot had changed from the last time I was active on these services.

People were no longer there and there are many people I will be unable to talk with anymore. People that I had many a great conversation with that I suddenly found myself missing greatly. People that I still wanted to be involved with, regardless of how minor it was. It felt like coming back to a place you established roots in after a long time, only to find that others you had known had left and there was little you could do. But at the same time, I was the one that chose to leave and go elsewhere.
My feelings mostly ended up passing after a short period. I still feel a slight bit sad, but what am I to do? People have come and gone through my few years and it will continue to happen. It’s something I’m usually fine with. Maybe it’s because I was reminded of “the good old days”.

Sometimes it makes you sad, or nostalgic in silly ways. But life is a journey and it’s better to move on than risk becoming too attached to the past.

Besides, it’s the Internet.

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