Alright, so I’ve set out to do a bit more writing than usual this morning and perhaps that means that this will take some sort of shape that leads to something a little better than usual. Unfortunately it probably won’t, but there is hope and I cling to that sometimes.
I think about how so much of what I write is personal in some manner and, quite frankly, that’s not something that I’m fond of. Maybe it’s not personal in an obvious manner, though maybe it is obvious; I don’t know and I don’t care to think about that at the moment. I didn’t intend to start this ramble in this manner. I was hoping for some fiction, but instead, once more, this is what comes forward and maybe that does mean that I’m low on ideas and I need to stop and take a break for a while, but for the time being that break is not going to happen. When it does, it’ll likely be a permanent stop, but for now that is not what is happening and I will persist with my refusal to stop.
Still, there is no denying that perhaps that has had some major downsides and I really am stretching myself thin. There is no denying that I’ve gone too far and really do need to take a break and then maybe come back and rethink this whole thing and approach things from a different angle. Maybe I’ve gone too far, but it is too early to tell and therefore I’m going to do my best to not think about the thing, which is probably also the wrong approach to take, but right now it feels like the right thing to do and so therefore it is what I am going to do… for the time being.
So with that being said, now I need to think about the rest of this. I don’t want to write something I’ve written before, but I repeat myself so often that there probably is no point in worrying about that either. I need to focus my energy elsewhere and then look at other things and all that other stuff. I need to find a way to break through the wall that I built and don’t break through.
Already repeating myself, but this is all repetition upon repetition and it all loops around and through itself, spiraling into a singular point and leaving little out there that is outside of what it is that I do, therefore leaving me despairing (maybe) at my complete and utter refusal to push outside the thing that I am doing, which is not much.
Still it is a form of creation and creating can be good. Creating can lead to many things out there and there is plenty of interesting stuff. Not saying that what I do is interesting; just saying that creation can lead to interesting things. Such is the way of things that are created through the act of creating.
Then again, is the act of creating really creative?
So anyway, I sit here and I’m thinking about what it is that I can do. There are some ideas, but they will be forgotten at some stage due to some strange refusal to act upon them, and sometimes that is okay. That’s not the worst thing to have to deal with. There are worse things out there. This is okay. This is fine. With that said, I should probably start filing them away and start using them. Start working with them and see where it leads. Maybe they will lead to some sort of burst of creativity. Maybe they won’t. Maybe they will lead to both and I will be able to celebrate the act of creating once more. That would be fun. That would be nice.
What if there actually are no ideas and I’ve just deluded myself into thinking that there are ideas that I’ve had? Maybe that is why they see no use and therefore they will continue to see no use. They become forgotten due to not having existed in the first place at all and my spiraling downward and inward continues without the abatement that I only crave some of the time, due to not really thinking about it often, or even regularly.
Then again, perhaps I do think about it regularly.
There is no telling sometimes, which can depend on how in the moment I am in at any given moment. Right now it’s not that much, but perhaps later I’ll be more firmly entrenched in the moment and then that will lead to other things that will then lead to other things, though perhaps instead of anything at all there will be nothing and I’ll just be daydreaming among a series of clouds that do not exist as singular clouds; at least, in terms of visible appearance as it’s a rather overcast day today and soon it should rain which means there will be rain and somehow that can be inspiring.
A series of disconnected thoughts can of course lead to something that forms a leaping pattern among them and so this should not be excluded from serious thought. There are other things to exclude, but really I’m just throwing things together at the moment in the hopes that it all comes together and forms something that makes some semblance of sense, but I don’t know if I’ve got that in me at the moment as soon I start work and I need to focus on that more than this, but I really don’t and so I will keep on going on about what whatever it is that I am going on about at the moment.
Maybe I won’t and instead I’ll just find something else to talk about and then that will reveal itself in a form that I am more comfortable with, but I do need to sit down and think about what this is for a while, I think.
The time it took to write one thousand words: 12:11:61
This was a bit more together than some of my recent stuff, but it’s still a heaping mess.
Mostly flows well though.
Written at home.