Held in Hands

Posted on May 18, 2023 by Stupidity Hole

Last week I took a series of reference photos with my phone for something I want to do.
I’d been meaning to take a few more with my camera but I kept putting that aside until last night. I checked the reference photos I had taken and realised they weren’t quite helpful for what I wanted to do. I decided to stop putting off taking some with the camera.

I’d also been meaning to take some more photos of myself whilst playing around with a speed light as a friend of mine let me borrow theirs. It was for the photography job I couldn’t work due to food poisoning and I figured that I might as well do some stuff with it rather than return it without having used it for something.

Anyway, I took new reference photos as well as some where I was trying to show form using hands and fingers. I also took the one below, as well as a few that are similar.

This is very much a representation how the last few months have felt. Some stuff has been great, but most of what has happened has led to a rather unrelenting slog. I’ve tried to keep a sense of “normalcy” going on but it’s been difficult. Of course things could get better overall, but right now things are not good.

I feel if I planned this out a bit more I could get a photo that is technically better. However, I don’t think that wold lead to a more expressive result. This was very much of the moment and I think it works best that way.

This is my submission into Leanne Cole‘s “Monochrome Madness” for this week. Participating is pretty straightforward and something I recommend. If you do, then include the tag “monochrome-madness” in your post. If not participating, then at the least check out Leanne’s photography as well as what other people submit.

A lot of what people are submitting will likely end up here.

I hope you enjoy.

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nenem: Taiga

Posted on May 18, 2023 by Stupidity Hole

This one was a challenge. Early on I stopped as I wanted to see if the style of vamp the song uses has a name. It has a particular feel and Rush used a similar one during some performances of “La Villa Strangiato” and I’m fairly certain I’ve heard it used outside of Rush and nenem. My search was quite short and lazy and so I didn’t find out.

Anyway, the challenge mostly came from keeping up as I was trying to get down more than I could. That said, I think I covered the song pretty well, albeit in a sloppy way. This could’ve been tighter.

nenem’s “Taiga” (“グストーゴフの森“) is from Cool Dawn Place.

I hope you enjoy.

—

Quick roll and into a bass and percussion vamp. It drives with energy, almost intense and yet low and calm. Keys enter, seemingly floating along whilst keeping with the pace. it’s a gentle contrast, even as percussion strikes out a bit more in places.

Suddenly the percussion gets busier and everything flourishes in sound. Guitar appears and rings out with the keys, whilst sounding like a shimmering crash as it rings outward. The keys keep their rhythm but become busier and play this quick bursts as a counterpoint.

It all ends and it’s just the bass in space. Something seems to whir and then the other instruments come back, but a bit softer. The energy is still there but there’s space. Guitar is squealing whilst the keys flutter about. Soon it all becomes full again and the unison becomes apparent; the sounds are locked into each other and remain feeling fluid.

Once more it all stops and it’s the percussion that has a moment. It is rapid, or busy, but feels slow in a sense. Once more the other instruments come in and play something that reaches more for the emotional, and perhaps it is a moment of breathing. It feels like some sort of slow release, and the song seems to slow down a bit more. The percussion then lets out one last strike that it trails off from. The other instruments follow suit and create something lighter, happier and perhaps beautiful as the song ends.

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Five-Hundred Word Challenge 1255: Sunlight Comes Into This Room

Posted on May 18, 2023 by Stupidity Hole

So I started processing photos this morning but now that the sun is coming into this room at a particular angle it’s difficult to keep processing photos. As such, I’m stopping for now but I want to keep on being productive so I’m just crapping this out quickly in the hopes that something comes forth that is usable, or something.

So anyway, it’s a fine day.

I should go for a walk.

Why am I even writing this? I have no thing to go off. There is no thread. I’m just sitting here like an asshole thinking about how awesome I am for actually getting a start in the morning rather than after midday. There’s nothing special about this. There’s nothing to go off. I’m just being diligent for once.

What gives me the right to think that I can just do as I please and think so highly of myself for doing the bare minimum? There’s nothing. That’s like thinking that just because one is wearing pants they’re now king shit.

I guess it would could be a pretty snazzy pair of pants.

So what do I do now? I shouldn’t be going on this massive power trip. It’s unwarranted and I’m wearing some pretty standard pants. They are keeping me warm, but they’re still pretty standard. There’s no strut to get out of this. There’s nothing to get out of this. I’m sitting here wearing clothes that I should change. I’m sitting here crapping on about something and I don’t care to try and understand it, and maybe that’s the problem.

Maybe the point is that I’m refusing to try and understand this bit of writing and in doing that I am denying myself. I cannot truly be whole if I refuse to stare upon the baring of my soul.

Would be a bit easier if the sun wasn’t hitting the screen in the way it currently is.

Wait, if the sun wasn’t then I’d be processing photos. The reason why I’m writing this is that currently it is difficult to process photos due to the sun coming into this room at a particular angle and so I want to keep on doing stuff but am unsure as to what, hence the writing.

Probably should go for a walk.

Why am I even doing this? There are so many other things that I could be doing and instead I sit here, thinking highly of myself for wearing pants and a shirt when there’s no victory in that… given my relative level of comfort, of course. I’m just living life and going through things and getting on with it and wanting to process photos but choosing not to due to too much sunlight and so now I don’t know how to end this sentence.

Maybe I need to get up, sit back down, chill for a while, do nothing and then stress. Perhaps that is best, though I do wish the sun would fuck off out of my bedroom.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 07:06:84

Neither the fastest nor the slowest.

This was fun to write. There were times when I stopped to think which had a negative impact, but overall just fun. Silly and messy fun.

Written at home.

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One Thousand Word Challenge 204: Lengthy Rental Saga

Posted on May 17, 2023 by Stupidity Hole

Sitting here, feeling the weight of expectation or something like that. Don’t know.

Bit of a dramatic start but bear with me.

So I got a bit of gardening work done today which is good. Gardening is always good when it’s done. Takes a bit of time but you get through it and all that stuff and then you’ve a healthier garden… depending on the work you;re doing, of course. Anyway, got through that which put cycling off for another day as I went longer than expected.

Now I’m sitting here waiting to hear back about whether our application for a new rental will go through or not and it’s being held back by our current real estate not providing a reference for us which is frustrating to say the least.

Alright, so I’m going to say this without revealing as much as I possibly can so my apologies for how what I’m about to write is going to read. I’m not sure how much I can say with specifics until after we move, and even then I’m going to be reluctant to say much.

My partner and I have some issues with our current real estate. We’ve had these issues for a few years now and they revolve around their complete ignoring of addressing needed repairs. As such the property is now in a state where it’s not safe for us to live here and so we need to move so they can do the necessary repairs.

To get to the above point took us applying to a body to organise a hearing. Once we booked that in things started happening.

Anyway, that happened, we went to mediation and we got the eviction notice soon after which led to us dropping our hearing application. The reason being is that the real estate was letting us know what was going on but something we objected to (on the ground of it not being justifiable considering the lack of addressing needed repairs) was no longer going ahead. So began the process of packing up everything and cleaning.

We’ve been looking at other places and have a third coming with us. Thus far most places haven’t quite panned out. There are more than a few being advertised with misinformation, and more than a few have a rent that far outstrip what they provide. It’s a bit of a fucked market, to say the least.

Anyway my partner inspected a place whilst I was down and out with food poisoning a couple of weekends ago and she was pretty chuffed about it, but I wasn’t too interested due to its location which was around twenty metres from a busy road. Noise is something I’d much rather not have, so we decided not to apply.

Come the weekend just past, whilst inspecting another place my partner was speaking to the real estate agent who ran the inspection for the prior-mentioned place. When she came home we talked about it a bit more, spoke to the person joining us and we decided to go for it. Realistically if the road noise is an issue I can buy some memory foam and some boards and make a small setup for when I’m recording.

We applied and my partner and I had to do it in a bit of an odd way as we hadn’t spoken to our current real estate about our applying yet as it was the weekend, so we had to put down someone we used to rent with. At the same time we emailed the real estate advising and asked if we could put them down.

There was no response and so close to midday I contacted our real estate and told them what was happening and asked if we could put them down for a reference. They said they’d get our agent to contact us back. At the same time we were requesting a copy of the tenancy ledger which they sent through.

On Monday afternoon the real estate for the place we’re applying for called me just to run through a few things. I explained what happened and told them I contacted the real estate again to get a copy of the ledger and confirm it was okay to use them as a reference. The person I was speaking to told me they’d draft up a copy of the lease and wait for the rest of the information to come through.

At the end of the day there was no response regarding providing a reference.

I called them on Tuesday and told them we need the reference so we can go ahead and they said it was fine and told me which emails to use so I sent those through to the agency of the new place. Since then there’s been no response.

At this point we’re a bit worried as it feels like our current real estate is dragging out the whole thing. I don’t know if that’s the case, but considering our experience thus far I don’t feel hopefully about giving the benefit of the doubt.

On top of that, our tenancy ledger makes it appear that we’re being evicted due to nonpayment of rent which is not the case.

So here we are in this situation of not knowing what is going on. We’re tired of the whole thing. We just want to rest. It has been multiple months of unnecessary stress almost as a constant and it’s not stopping. We’d much rather put all of this behind us and get on with our lives but at this point we might have to apply for a hearing again and request compensation due to ignoring requests to have issues addressed, as well as obstructing our attempt to move.

We know that it’ll soon be past us, but the longer this goes on the more difficult it becomes to hold onto that knowledge. Hanging in there is great and all, but we’re still going through this right now. It’s fucked.

The time it took to write one thousand words: 21:20:67

Slow but I’m not so fussed about the speed on this one.

I’m sure that if I ever look back at this I might feel embarrassed, but this whole thing has been consuming so much of my life. It was going to come out in this form of rambling sooner or later. May as well get it out of the way now.

Written at home.

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Godflesh: Pure II

Posted on May 17, 2023 by Stupidity Hole

Last week I thought I’d write about this song.
It’s one I enjoy listening to but I think I wasn’t able to articulate the listening experience in the words below. That said, I think the below still captures the song in a certain wait. Maybe not in the way I thought I would, but it still gets something about the song across.

Godflesh’s “Pure II” is from Pure.

I hope you enjoy.

—

A high humming, almost as though a slithering, hollow feedback. Something else starts rising to prominence and suddenly stops. Percussive strikes come in, heavy whilst that feedback keeps droning away in a distance. The strikes are almost forcing space and they echo outward.

Other sounds remain distant, piercing, seeming like metal screeching and from friction. The strikes stop and those background sounds come to the forefront, reaching out, all hollow, all disembodied, trying to reach into a state of physicality and yet are unable to. They move as one object, flowing, echoing and heaving. They move slowly but without a sense of precision.

For a moment a harshness comes forward and perhaps these sounds are like tendrils, spreading out and taking on different things whilst remaining themselves. They are spreading through an airless space and they are creating motion in contrasts. Some disappear, some come back, some remain unchanging.

Eventually something akin to percussion comes in as a loop, fading out then coming back. It eventually disappears as the harshness continues traveling. Something underneath it all seems to express an ominousness, but it is ignored. It is smothered by the slithering droning. It seems like fragments but it remains continuous. It eventually seems to spread and in that it no longer holds its body and becomes another element moving in the mass.

More sounds change and something roars among a murk. As it does everything clears for a moment. It remains muffled and so it becomes a rolling wave that cannot erupt. More slithering and smothering of it, growing in harshness, growing in cold abrasiveness, trying to bury it or absorb it, to eliminate its form and reduce it to nothingness, but perhaps this is a mutual relationship. Perhaps this is a joining in a space with no oxygen.

This muffled sound remains, however. It is yet to be absorbed. It is alongside the other sounds but it does not get taken over. It does stop soon, and suddenly there is an emptiness.

What remains tries to fill the space but it is unable to and a buzzing arises from somewhere. The slithering is gone and the buzzing remains. Other sounds come into form and once more seem to be trying to come into a physical form. Once more it is not controlled, or does not feel like it is a controlled attempt. Slithering returns and sounds remain harsh.

From a present distance a percussive strike rumbles out. It is stretched and perhaps it isn’t percussive at all. Perhaps it is just an imitation, or the percussion has lost its original form. It is trying to remain itself but it cannot. It does not force space in the way it once did and so droning remains not at the edges but firmly in the forefront.

Heaving, forcing forward whilst other sounds crawl and suddenly all seems to press inward, but in this there is a calm. There is a moment spreading out without losing its form and it holds a calm. Noise still washes through everything and buzzes, but then it all clears and all that is left is this rumble with a response. Something else hums and wavers in response. An elongated buzz comes in smoothly shaped before growing rough and lowering.

Things seem more harmonious and perhaps menacing and suddenly sounds reach out but are unable to get there. They fall back and something scrapes away. It seems like a voice being smeared but it is difficult to tell.

Another sound comes to the forefront, maybe that wave from earlier but it disappears and there is nothingness. There is cleared space, only with the idea of a percussive strike rumbling through. Something else comes from the nothingness but disappears before it can grow prominent and the rumbling fades away as the song ends.

 

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Five-Hundred Word Challenge 1254: Heavy Clouds Linger

Posted on May 17, 2023 by Stupidity Hole

Heavy clouds linger in the air and in writing and thinking that I’ve gotten an idea for something, but I imagine that idea will float away. Oh well.

Anyway, heavy clouds linger in the air and the sky is an alternating hue of grays. It’s like waves if waves were held still whilst sunlight remained consistent across their surface. However, these clouds are much more ominous. They do not appear as though they are going to disappear without first releasing an immense amount of rain upon the earth and that’s fine right now.

Well, it’s not as there are things that need doing and some of that involves work outside and if it rains heavily enough that’s another day of not doing anything which is something I quite desperately want to avoid. I don’t want to have another day of nothingness. I want a day of exploration.

The interior of this residence is dark as the sun’s light is not entering the way it normally would. There might not be much of a point in having the curtains drawn as the light provided is not enough to reduce the impact of eye strain.

For a brief moment sunlight pierces through the clouds, albeit remaining obscured. It seems like it will come through but it also feels like a last gasp before disappearing. Of course it won’t disappear and perhaps that is a little too dramatic but that’s just how it feels in this particular moment.

It appears once more, brighter than before and disappears once more, though less dim. Perhaps the sun will get through the clouds. Perhaps it will cause them to move apart and then there will be a clear sky. There will be a brighter day and if so, then that’s fine. It’s better as it means the external work can be done.

This changing of light throws me off as I’m not sure if I should switch off the light in here or leave it on. Once more outside it grows dull and so inside is more useful. What if it changes again? As it just did as I wrote this? What if it now holds out?

The clouds may not be as heavy as they seem. Of course there is the layer of exaggeration, but what if they only appear to be menacing and there will be no rainfall today? Perhaps I should be making the most of the time I have now and getting on with things and then if it starts raining at least something will have been done.

There are many options.

The sun’s light is growing brighter. It is holding out. I’ve just taken a quick peek and the sky is almost formless light; it has been consumed by intense splendour. I still wonder if it will last. Perhaps it will; perhaps it won’t. It is too early to tell and I am not a meteorologist.

At least there is some warmth seeping into this room, even if it is fleeting.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 09:05:27

Slow to write. Didn’t feel a struggle but was actively thinking too much, I think.
A bit flatly dramatic too, I think.

Written at home.

 

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Buildings in a Clearing

Posted on May 16, 2023 by Stupidity Hole

Another photo from The Blue Mountains.
Regarding where this was taken I’m not going to say more than that mainly due to conflicting issues I have with where this cleared land sits.

I think it’s interesting how you’ve got this large space that really cuts into the landscape in a harsh way. It’s much more jarring than the tower in the distance. That said, I do like that it’s visible as to why clearing land to build in places isn’t always the best thing to do.

I hope you enjoy.

 

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Five-Hundred Word Challenge 1253: Kind of Disconnected Rambling

Posted on May 16, 2023 by Stupidity Hole

More stress, more need to unwind. Not sure why I’m doing this right now as there are other, far more pressing things that I should be taking care of but they can wait.

Sitting here, waiting for the day to pass. Waiting for it to come to another end. Worried about not doing enough but not doing enough. Wondering where this is all going.

Thinking about the end of this little blog. Watching it slowly approach. Still doing nothing and spending a lot of time doing nothing but could be doing something. Could be doing a lot of things but need to work out what and all that other stuff.

Trying to write at a speed that I want to say is faster than usual. Wrist is holding out.

Where am I going with this?

See, I was hoping to write something that would be interesting but all I’m doing here is writing fragments. There is nothing that connects these other than their lack of connection, so there is something that connects these and so… I don’t know what else I can say about the whole thing.

Should go for a walk. Should stretch the legs. Should probably practise guitar a bit more to help build the wrist strength back up and all that.

Should do a lot of things.

Still, the day is nice and it drifts on by and instead of changing this around I keep on writing in fragments and so I guess all this is is a series of fragments that don’t really express much. Feels like a stretch. Feels like a bit of a reach.

Then again, they could say a lot more than I suggest. There’s always what is not said that comes through in implication and so… yeah.

Wondering what I will do about lunch. I should go for a walk. Look at the clouds. Need to be walking more. Need to increase my fitness. Need to stop wasting the time that I have as I wait for approval for a place to move into. It’s a lot of waiting. Better spent doing something than spent being stressed out about what is or is not happening.

Need to try and go from there and then do other things.

I could be drawing. I miss drawing. I miss a lot of things when I don’t do them for a while. Pretty standard but that’s okay I guess. Standard works pretty well in most cases and it’s not something that we should shoot down. Yeah, weird is great and all but what is weird is usually due to lack of experience with that thing. Weird things usually aren’t all that weird.

Usually.

I think that I should look at resting for a bit, but maybe in a few hours. Might try to do some other things first. Get some things out of the way but am preferring to spend time stressed out. I could be productive

It’d be great to be able to properly relax.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 05:14:08

This one is a bit of a mess but I think that it works for roughly the first third. From there it loses something by becoming less scattered, I think.

Written at home.

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Spaceseer: Treasury of Kahryatt

Posted on May 16, 2023 by Stupidity Hole

As I was writing this it became easier to get words out. I think I had a bit of trouble anchoring myself at the start but I gradually moved into moment. I think the writing could’ve done better to cover the song, and there were things I wanted to write but had difficulty articulating so I didn’t. That said, I think this does an alright job. It’s mostly smooth (I think) and it covers some aspects well.

spaceseer’s “Treasure of Kahryatt” is from Colossi Perpetual Factory.

I hope you enjoy.

—

Wind, or perhaps just some dirty noise of some sort. Soon percussion comes in and beats out a vague melody. It comes out feeling frequent without feeling busy. Fragments of other sounds creep in and out; one crackling persists and stops and persists in a rhythmic fashion.

Coldness rings through the sounds as percussion continues its movement and various other sounds keep moving in and out. Other beats come in and alter the flow and sound. The whole thing seems to expand without necessarily becoming overfull.

A new sound appears as a high hum and slowly moves above everything, though maybe it’s within. It seems to echo and fray as it moves through the fullness. Soon the hum starts opening and widening, revealing more of itself and altering the atmosphere further.

A sense of cold grandness arises and contrasts against the machinery. The hum keeps moving; it keeps floating there as percussive sound pounds and beats away. It is almost as though a light, and it definitely is something that holds attention.

It is almost as though this is all following a conductor. The sounds seem guided in their precision, and they seem guided in their disappearing.

The percussion falls away and that hum remains, moving. The dirty noise as wind continues blowing through and around, and it seems nothing is left. The space is full, but it has been cleared and it continues to clear, leaving the dirty noise on its own, bubbling into nothingness as the song ends.

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Five-Hundred Word Challenge 1252: Writing Without Music

Posted on May 15, 2023 by Stupidity Hole

Right now I’m writing without music playing which is something I don’t do too often. I’ve been meaning to write about a song for a good few hours so I’ve held off playing stuff for most of the day so I wouldn’t have to stop an album part of the way through in order to write about a song, but now here we are and we are here.

I am so very tired at the moment, but one pushes on through to the other side. One tries to find a bed sooner rather than later, or if not a bed than somewhere where they can rest, but that is in the future and the future never arrives as we are constantly in the present and so that bed is forever out of reach until it no longer is out of reach which will be when it has moved from being in the future and moved to being in the present.

What am I saying?

Anyway, yeah. Tired. Drained. All the fun stuff. It has been a long slog and I’m in dire need of rest but there won’t be so much a rest as there will be a gradual increase of relief once all things have settled and the dust has drifted away to somewhere else.

Still no music. Should’ve started playing some but have chosen not to. Have chosen to procrastinate on picking something and instead chosen to revel in my being tired. Sure, there are worse things I could be doing but this is something that just won’t do in this day and age of modernity and all that stuff.

Perhaps what I need to do is find a way for music to energise me in this particular moment. Maybe the issue here is that I gradually have relied on music as a power source and my lack of listening today is making me feel more drained than I am, and if so I need to turn things around and I need to do that sooner rather than later.

Of course what I really need is to sit back and relax and try and unwind but I’m going to deny that. I’m going to deny that as I don’t feel like facing reality right now. I want to live in my imagination, even if only for a short period of time as that means I can just pretend things are more okay than they are. If I can do that, then I’m set, at least for a few minutes.

Why only a few minutes? Because I need to work and work drags me back. Regardless of how much I protest it forces me to sit here and I need to push through being exhausted which takes a lot of time and energy and so… yeah. It’s a horrible cycle of trying to escape and not being allowed to, and so I just need to keep on going, but I’m tired and I’m not playing music, but I’m okay.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 06:23:33

Another struggle, but less so than yesterday’s.
This one is okay. I think I veered away from being “raw” as, whilst I’m wanting to vent quite a lot, I’d also rather not. Didn’t work the best for the writing, but this is readable which is some sort of improvement.

Written at home.

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